The Poem of the Unknown Prophet

Hello Dallin's blog world!
I'm Dallin's Aunt Erika, and before he left on his mission, he added me as an admin on his blog so that if he had any thoughts that he wanted to share while he's away, I could post them here for him. So ... this is Elder Ward's latest poem. ENJOY!

The Poem of the Unknown Prophet

I am the man who spoke the truth
In that place, that moment, that day.
And I am the man whose words changed your mind
When your feed had ran the wrong way.
My speech is not perfect, It's simple and slow,
And sometimes in my words I..
Stumble.
It's.. Hard. To speak   for me.
So I study and I try - I work really hard.
I want to have speech with mejor
My thoughts are so clear and my heart knows the words.
Sometimes they just don't quite...
Get out the door?
It's hard.. For me.. to speak.
But that doesn't matter and I'll tell you why.
My message is not of this world.
I speak of the Savior - on His wings I fly
The scroll of His scripture I've daily unfurled.
I comfort the lonely, the sick I do heal
In His name, by His power, I KNOW He is real.

For me.. It's hard... To speak.
But when I speak, God guides my words.

I do not.. Remember.. What I said.
In that day, that moment, that place.
But I spoke what He told me as best as I could,
And I... I am thankful.. for His Grace.

Goodbye Vibes

So this is goodbye. Hmm. Okay. 

Hello, Goodbye. You're a bit of a solemn feeling sometimes. Also an exciting one, for you tell me two things:
First, you tell me that something that I love is coming to a close. This is the sad one. This is the one that I cry about and feel sorry because of. This is an ending to something that I will look back at and remember as something good in my life, and something that God put there for me because He loves me.
Second, you tell me that there is something new awaiting me in my life. This is a thrilling, exhilarating, and a bit frightening aspect of you. This is the part that comes as my eyes begin to adjust to the new scenery and my feet begin to feel the new lands beneath. This is new life.

Saying goodbye is a lot like breathing. As an inhale must come after an exhale, so must new things come after the old. Today I am leaving behind friends and family who I love. I'm leaving behind my ability to speak fluently to the people around me. I'm leaving everything I'm familiar with, and I'm going with my God on a new adventure. We're going to go bring His joy to people in lands far away. :)  It's a wonderful thing, really. A breath of new life.

Don't be sorry that I'm going. I'm going to do the work of the Lord, and when it is time, I will come home. Until then, farewell, my friends. Thank you for being a part of my life. I love you so much.
May the Lord bless your feet to walk straight and your heart to find joy.
Smile, my friends. :)

Until we meet again,
I love you.

:)
-Dallin

Awkward and Imperfect

Today I'm realizing something that I think is really important. I do really awkward things, and I feel awkward a lot. Weird.
This is a new development for me. Not the awkwardness, but the realization of it. I've been told bunches of times that I'm an awkward person, but I never had realized how unokay I've been with this. I realize how angry I've become at the thought of it.
Me. Awkward? Never.
Somewhere I learned to believe that to act awkwardly is to be unloved.
Somewhere I learned to believe that to feel awkwardly is to be unloved.
Somewhere I learned to believe that I am not worth loving when seen as awkward.
So I've tried to hide it.

Another development which I've observed recently is the habit of becoming angry when I'm not perfect, or when other people bring up my imperfections. This is a habit that I think is particularly damaging. Those people who I have observed with this trait are not very much fun to be around, and they seem to spend most of their time in deep self-analysis trying to make sure that everything they do is perfect. The problem I see is that I've yet to observe one of those people who actually got there that way. They spend most of their time being bitter and miserable about the fact that they're not perfect.
Am I becoming this kind of person?
I've certainly spent a lot of time feeling angry and tense lately. Is this why?

Christ said that all those who are struggling and feel weighed down should come to Him, and He will give them rest. I like the sound of that. Carrying all of this perfection around with me all the time is really a chore, and I think it's unnecessary. While God did say that no unclean thing can enter into His kingdom, He also created a Savior for mankind because He knew that we wouldn't make it there unspotted, and He wants us to make it back to Him. He really wants us to come home.

As much as I hate to say it, I am going to sin today.
I'm going to sin tomorrow too.
And the next day.

I don't like those thoughts. Not at all. I don't like being imperfect. In fact, I really hate it quite a lot. I just want to be a perfect man so that I can do all the perfect things and help all of the people in the perfect way. I really do want to help people. I just feel like I am so incapable because of my imperfections.

Somewhere else I learned to believe that if I'm not perfect, I'm not worthy of love. What a lie.
Lucifer, you scoundrel. Get out of my life. I don't want you here, and I'm SO TIRED OF YOUR LIES. I'M SO TIRED OF YOU TELLING ME SUCH BLATANTLY FALSE THINGS. GO. AWAY.

I'm so tired of believing those things. :-/

I could tell the truth about this here. I could write another feel good post about how the Savior loves me and I could do a massive transformation and turn-around in thought like I've done in a hundred other posts. It could seem triumphant and like I've finally overcome some deep dark challenge in my soul, and it could come off as a really impressive post. I'm not sure that it would do me any good though, because I need to do more than feel good. I need to actually change. More than knowing that He loves me, I need to trust Him that He can actually do what He says He can do. I need to trust Him that He actually can redeem me, and that I am loved and worth loving any way I go.

I feel like I'm climbing and Christ is my belayer. He's looking up at me and yelling, "KEEP GOING, YOU'RE DOING GREAT!" And I'm looking back down at Him and saying, "HI JESUS! I KNOW THAT YOU'RE BELAYING ME, BUT I DON'T ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN CATCH ME! I LOVE YOU!"

I wonder how Jesus handled awkward situations. Did He have them? Maybe a better question is, what is awkwardness?
For me, awkwardness has been translated into a fear of being unloved. I think this is why I studder in my speech and am hesitant in my action. I think it's because I'm afraid that if I mess up I will not be loved. Is that really a true belief? No. Of course not. To be awkward is to be awkward and to be unloved is to be unloved. They are not the same. I want to learn to know the difference.

Jesus, believing in You is really hard for me sometimes. I really struggle to trust You. Please help me to do better. I want to do better. I want to let you carry the burden of perfectionism for me, because I cannot do it alone. I do not want to feel inadequate anymore. I want to feel of your grace and love for me. I know it is there, and I'm trying to believe. Please help me.

Love,
Dallin

A Journey: An Original Poem

I'd rather be on a boat that sails
On a windswept ocean with sailors' tales.
Or a place that is cool like the dawn of the sun
Where the world reborn awakes as one.
In jungles in deserts on mountains on wings
I wish I could do just one of these things.
My life as it sits is really quite glum
I wake up still tired and retire quite numb.
My waist is still growing as my pocketbook shrinks
Good news, the market has a sale on cold drinks!
I think I'll go get one and then I'll feel well.
Oh yes, the cream soda! I'll buy all they will sell.
And then I'll come home, and feeling rather amused,
I'll reread the books I've already perused.
Oh this will be grand, I can tell it is so!
Now to the market I quickly will go.

I'm home from the market, and uncertain what to feel.
A con man with a cane robbed my bubbly white meal.

While at the market in my dear isle three,
An old man nearby started talking with me.
He noticed my unkempt and frazzled delight
At the soda full stocked that would last me all night.
"Why so much soda?" He asked with a beam.
A sneaky approach to his devilish scheme.
I said, "it's for me, and I like it a bunch!"
He smirked and shot back, "I had a bit of a hunch."
In that moment my waistband, it grew like a weed!
The outlandish pronouncement of my size he'd decreed!
"HOW DARE YOU?!?" I REBUFFED,
My hair was all bristly and my cheeks were all puffed.
I was angry, it was sure, and about to attack
But he sat there so still and he softly looked back.
"Why are you here on this Earth?" he replied,
Looking gentle and calm with his cane by his side.
Now completely unbalanced I looked at him baffled,
My answer lay dead on the hangman's thought scaffold.
"Why am I here?" I thought to myself
Wishing I knew, and that I were an elf.
For the elves are so wise.. let's lay that thought to rest.
The Lord of the Rings is undoubted the best.
Now back to the story, I knew not the rebut
So I stood there considering the size of MY butt.
And how he STOOD THERE IN PUBLIC
HE REPROVED MY LARGE SIZE
I wanted nothing so much as a shot at his eyes.
But he saw this in me and with a polite little nod
Pushed away his little cart and didn't think it was odd.
And I stood there and watched him walk away with such grace
I hope no one saw the shame on my face.
The soda replaced, I shuffled out of the store.
No joy in my heart, I was struck to the core.

Looking back at this memory through the lens of much time
I see this day like a blessing, and not like a crime.
For this was the day that I saw there was more
Than the next thrilling novel, and the cheap soda store.
But not just more world that I had not yet known.
My novels had pictures, and the wonders they'd shown.
But I somehow had never believed I could do
All the things that I read in the books with the crew.
With the question of why I was here, my life changed.
I realized my thoughts were often deranged.
I CAN go to Paris and I CAN sail a ship.
So I made some life changes and started planning my trip.
I quit buying soda, and the novels went too
All the money was saved and the fund slowly grew.
Still it wasn't enough, so I found some more work
It payed really poorly, there wasn't much of a perk.
But my fund slowly grew and I was feeling alive
Instead of at ten, I woke up at five!
And I went to bed early for I wanted good sleep
And about my small trials I seldom did weep.
I sold my TV and I bought a new bike,
Turns out exercise is actually something I like!
A while later I made a friend who kindly asked me
If I'd like to come with him, and serve kids in Haiti.
That trip changed my life, and I learned how to give
I decided that's how I wanted to live.

Many trips later, I write from a boat
On the windswept ocean near an island remote.
I ponder the man and his question long ago
"Why are you here on this Earth?" Do I know?
And I think that I finally do understand -
This life came out more than I ever had planned.
I've seen countries and peoples and helped them along.
I danced with the children and they taught me their song.
In the jungles I helped give birth to a child
It made the jungles look tame - that night was wild.
I've loved and been loved and my heart feels so bright.
I found God somewhere in there, and He gave me His light.
Tonight I believe that the answer is clear
I know my purpose - I know why I'm here.
I'm here to love, and to give and to be.
Thanks God, I know now how much You love me.

I love You too.

Love Remains - An Original Poem

I stand apart. 

Pondering my soul, 

Considering the pieces, 

And examining them. 

I begin removing 

All the things 

Unlike my God, 

And I listen. 

A voice speaks 

In quiet opposition; 

At first subtle 

And then fierce. 

It tells me 

I am nothing, 

And the Devil 

Sits and laughs. 

Walking with God 

I am unafraid; 

And so I 

Look to Him. 

God smiles softly 

Unafraid of Lucifer. 

He guides me, 

Teaching of love. 

We prune me; 

It hurts deeply. 

I trust Him. 

Only love remains

Enjoying Where I'm At

The past week has been such an interesting week for me. So many awesome and incredible things have happened. :D I went on two dates, worked a full week at the feed store, got called to be a temple worker, had stake conference, read Donald Miller's book Scary Close twice because I liked it so well, finally got my Eagle paperwork wrapped up, began planning for a date, (A BIG date with lots of people) which I am quite happy about, and had stake conference. I could talk about all of these things and each one I would have something to say about, (I usually do have something to say. ;) ) and I don't think I'm going to talk about any of them specifically. Instead, I'm going to talk about what I've learned through these things because this is really important to me.

This week I learned that I would do well to stop and enjoy what I'm doing more. I've learned that so often I become so focused on where I'm going and how to get there that I forget to enjoy where I'm at right now. Especially in my relationships with my friends. Especially my relationships with my close friends. The people who I'm close to I generally have a purpose and vision for in my head, and I know where I want that relationship to go. Sometimes I feel really manipulative about that. I felt like that a lot this weekend. I began to doubt whether or not I could actually have real relationships with people, and I began to believe that all I did was manipulate people for a twisted sense of power. I began to feel really selfish, and even wondered if I was good for the world at all. I wondered if I could actually be real with people instead of just acting, and if I ever took off the mask and let people see me for who I am.
I definitely didn't think I was brave enough to let people see me.
Honestly, I got pretty far away from my post last week about obeying and not fearing. I was really deep into fear and shame. I allowed myself to believe that I wasn't even worthy of love.

I'm really fascinated with the way Christ felt sorrow. I think there is a lot more there than I understand yet. He felt such deep sorrow as the world has never felt before, and all of it He felt without doubt and without fear. I guess what this means is that his faith in His Father was unconditional. It had no conditions of being for Him to feel it. It was regardless of anything else. Unconditional faith. I want to be like that. What are my conditions for faith? Do I put conditions that I expect God to meet for me to believe in Him?

Okay. Back to where I was trying to go before I got distracted. Enjoying where I'm at.
I've noticed this particularly with one friendship of mine. Honestly, it may be the best friendship that I have. And yet I so often feel so displeased with myself and with this friendship, and I become so confused as to why this is. When I'm uncertain of something and I'm not dealing with it well, I generally have one of two reactions, neither of which have anything to do with reveling in the uncertainty. I either shut down firmly or I do something hasty to try and get a quick fix to the perceived problem. When I do deal with the uncertainty well, I find joy in it and look forward to finding creative solutions to difficult problems. The apostle James talks about this, and I think what he says is really wise. He says,

"My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into many afflictions; knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing."

I think what he's trying to tell me really is this: it's okay to be where you are, even if where you are is not what you had in mind. Rejoice in the fact that you have the ability to overcome! In time and with patient effort, everything will work out. I promise.

I like the Bible. It says some really important things, and they help me a lot.

Today I am going to make an effort to slow down and rejoice in the things which have gone so beautifully in my life. Things like this flower. This comes from a beautiful day in my life. What a wonderful life it is. :)
Thank you, Father!

Pain, Patience, and Trust - A Guest Post By Savannah Lorcher

“Try to exclude the possibility of suffering...and you find that you have excluded life itself.”

-C.S. Lewis

You guys. Pain is admirable. Pain is strength. Please don’t hide from it. Here’s why.

Pain and joy are like a pendulum; always swinging back and forth. This is what I am calling the “pain” factor. The further you swing into pain, the further you’ll swing into joy. This is the “patience” factor. However, if you try to block the possibility of pain, you also block the possibility of joy. This is the “trust factor.” Each is essential to your eternal happiness, and I’ll explain why.


1). The Pain Factor
Think about it--one of the most important parts of the atonement is to take away our pains, and our sins, but also so we can find happiness. If we try to block our pain, we are wasting part of this incredible gift and blessing. Why would we do that? Christ gave his life for us. Let us vow to use his atonement to the fullest. Christ gave his life so we could be happy and clean, and eventually return to him one day. He suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane, sweating drops of blood out of the pain. He knew we were going to hurt. He knew we were going to suffer and cry, distraught with sorrow. He knew that we would be reduced to utter nothingness buy some of the trials that are in store for us. So he suffered for our sins, he knows our pain. If he suffered for the sins and afflictions of all the world, our personal sins and afflictions being just a fraction of the pain he felt, why are we putting this pain to waste? EMBRACE YOUR PAIN. REVEL IN IT. GROW IN IT. EXPAND IN IT. YOU GROW THROUGH PAIN. You become the person you were meant to be through coming unto Christ, and one of the ways he intended us to come unto him is through our afflictions.

The reason why pain is strength is because it takes courage to feel your pain. It takes courage and strength to leave our heart and soul vulnerable. It is admirable. A human who can grow, love, serve, cherish, and strengthen through their pain is strong. So strong. I look up to them. So please. Let the pain in. Because joy always comes next.


2). The Patience Factor
Sometimes, the process of “swinging back” takes a while. Pain can stretch on for a long time. But you have to be patient in your happiness. You have to have patience in goodness. Because God doesn’t hate us. He loves us. More than we can imagine. So he’s not going to just hand us a problem, then kick us out of his sight and let us deal with it on his own. No. Never. He’ll always be there. Guiding, comforting, supporting. Even when you are in pain and life seems bleak, there is always good. He wants to give us everything he has. He just has to make sure we’re worthy. So have patience in his goodness. Have patience that the joy will come. Have patience that the Lord has our backs. He won’t let us down. Not ever. We only let him down.

Can I tell you something? I often feel alone. I often feel abandoned. I am still working on a sense of fulfilment. It is a trial and heartache of mine. Yet I know it will change soon. I know that it’ll all work out. I know that Christ is there for me. I know he loves me. So if I can have faith, you can too :). I know it can be hard. Patience is not easy. But this isn’t a mortal ailment. This is an eternal blessing. Your faithfulness will either make or break your eternal happiness in these crucial moments. So stay strong. You got this.

I’ve been in many instances where the swinging, or patience, phase seems to stretch on forever. When the pain and heartache are unrelenting. But swing it did. Relent it did. Your patience will be under constant pressure. But bad things end. Pain goes away. When I say, “you got this”, I’m not just saying it. I know it. I believe in it. I believe in you.


3). The Trust Factor

Trust is, in my opinion, the most crucial factor of this entire equation. Here’s why.

When you block the pain, when you push it out, you’re also pushing out the joy. Because the pendulum can’t swing when you have it tied in place. So you have to trust that the pain you’re feeling is supposed to be there. You have to trust that it’s all part of something good. Something true. Something strong.

Each three of these factors are essential to your eternal happiness. I hope you know that. I hope you embrace it. I hope you love your pain. Your pain is beautiful. Your pain is stunning. Wear it with the dignity of someone strong.
Your joy is beautiful. Your joy is stunning. Wear it with the dignity of someone kind. 

This post was very painful for me to write. Why? Because it describes what’s going on inside me right now. I’m fighting a constant battle in my heart-to be choose happiness, goodness, and light or to choose misery, bleakness, emptiness. I don’t know why I’m having these struggles. I don’t know what they’re preparing me for. I don’t know why I choose to endure them. I don’t know how they are changing me. I DON’T KNOW.  I.  DON’T.  KNOW. I really don’t. It’s painful. It’s a struggle. A war even. I just have to trust. I have to have patience. I have to keep the Spirit of God with me whenever I can.

That’s how I know I’ll conquer.

Savannah



Savannah is a friend of mine. Her blog can be found here. :) http://thesavsadventures.blogspot.com/

Obey, and Do Not Fear

The Lord said, "It is better to obey than to sacrifice."
He also said, "Look unto Me in every thought, doubt not, fear not."
When the Lord said, "Doubt not, fear not." He wasn't joking. Neither was He joking when He proclaimed to Saul that obedience is much more important than sacrifice.
No matter how gloomy and difficult the situation seems to be, God's answer is "Doubt not, fear not" and His commandment is to obey.
Will you obey?

I wrote that paragraph yesterday in a burst of inspiration and brilliance from God. Now I feel terrified by what I have written. xD LOOK AT THIS. It is SUCH A CALL TO ACTION. It's incredible. This requires so much faith to follow.
Donald Miller wrote one of my favorite books in the world. It's called A Million Miles In A Thousand Years, and I recommend it highly. In it, he said,

“And once you live a good story, you get a taste for a kind of meaning in life, and you can't go back to being normal; you can't go back to meaningless scenes stitched together by the forgettable thread of wasted time.”

This is how I feel right now. I have a taste of it. A taste of what God is trying to give me. Absolute and complete faith in Him. Perfect love. Eternal happiness. It's there, waiting, and He is offering it to me freely. Do I have the courage to take it?

Honestly, I'm not sure if I have that kind of courage right now. I do have the courage to try, however. And to try again. And again.

Let's go back up to what God is saying up there. I'm not sure if the connection between the two verses is super solid to you yet. Here's where I'm going with this.
Once there was a boy named Dallin, and he had the bad habit of making excuses against listening to the Lord. Dallin believed in the Atonement of Jesus Christ, though he often told himself that he wasn't worthy to partake of it. Who was he to make Christ suffer for his sins? So he sacrificed his happiness for shame and told the Lord that he wasn't worthy of being healed. The Lord, meanwhile, looked down upon Dallin and hoped he would eventually obey the commandment to repent. He knew that Dallin was so close to something great, and that Dallin just needed to stop trying to sacrifice and start obeying His word, which was,
"Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give thee rest."

Eventually, I got it. And I'm still learning to trust Him. There is rest in Him.

Rephrased, God is essentially telling us this:
"There is no place you can go, no thing you can do, and no misery you can feel that I cannot help you with, as long as you have even the desire to have faith in Me. Here's what you have to understand. I am God. There is nothing that can happen to you that I cannot make good out of. So rejoice! We can do this together."

I'm going to work on this. Today. Tonight. Right now. Never a doubt, never a fear. This shall be my goal.

Thank you, God!

Anyway: An Original Poem

What does it mean 

To hurt for a friend?

Can I actually...

Feel their pain?

And what of the..

moments.

Where I'm the one

Who hurts.

Is my pain felt?

Do others know what..

It's like?

Loneliness moves

Like a river.

Churning, gushing..

Pulling.

Blackness lies beneath.

And I'm told

That there is light.

Above me.

A hand reaching..

For mine.

Do I have the strength..

To..

Reach back?

I am so thankful

For the moments

Where I didn't..

Reach.

And my friends

Pulled me up

Anyway.

What Friendship Is

Friendship is such a wonderful concept. :D
It says, "Hey, you're a human! I'm a human too! Let's share some of our lives with each other!"
And then they do. :)
Lately, I've been learning a lot about friendship and relationships and love. I could speak for a long time about this, and tonight I'm not going to do that. This post will be short.
Tonight I was given what I now consider to be the best description of friendship I've ever heard before by a friend of mine. She said,

"I've seen many friendships go stagnant in my life. But I still trust them. I still believe in them. I am not ashamed of me in front of them."-Savannah Lorcher

"I am not ashamed of me in front of them."

Is this not what friendship is?




P.S. This is Savannah's blog. :)

I Don't Know What To Name This Post. 'Overcoming Emotional Garbage and Shame Gremlins', Maybe? xD

Sometimes I feel like such a poor friend.
I feel like I fail so often to show my friends how much I really care about them, and I'm not certain how often I succeed.
:-/
I just want to be a better man. I'm trying so hard.
I feel so tired.
Can I ever really know that they know I love them? I'm not sure. I want them to know.
A poem which I was given once came to my mind a lot today. It begins:

I am no proper friend, I feel
My heart gone numb, my colors steel.

This is how I feel today.
I want to reach out and give love to these people, and I feel this incredible amount of demotivation to do so. It's like there is this fear.  Deep fear. Blinding fear. Deafening fear. It fills my senses until there is little but blankness. Numbness.
I feel like I'm constantly turning people away. Honestly, sometimes I'm amazed that other people actually talk with me. Why would they talk with me? I constantly push them away from me. In my thoughts, in my deeds, in my tones of voice. Rarely do I push away with my words.
I feel so tired.
Pain pain pain pain.
I feel boggled. Distracted. Even alone.
Alone.
I don't feel like that an awful lot of the time. Sometimes I do. I am not alone, however.
See, the reality of the situation is that I am one of a race of several billion living people. From the perspective of all humanity who ever lived, my situation is not unique.
I am not alone.
There are those who have felt this before. They made it. So can I. They will help me and cheer me on because those who really experienced what I experience in the way which I experience believe the same things which I believe. They believe that these things can be overcome. And then they do it.
I do not belong with the pessimists nor those who never overcame. That is not who I am determined to be. I strive for something greater. I strive to be a better man and I BELIEVE that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I will overcome all things.
I was not created to end.
Let's say that again.
I was not created to end.
There will be endings and there will be things which come to a close. I am not one of those. My name is Dallin Ward and I was CREATED ON PURPOSE BY A GOD WHO LOVES ME.
And I love Him too.

*Breathes*
Okay. I can do this. This is manageable.
Today I am not a perfect man. I may put off and ignore my friends and myself. I may speak things which people find hurt in. I may make great mistakes and lose friends who I really loved. In the end, I may lose all my friends. And I may not. I just don't know. Here's what I do know:
I am loved.
I am worthy of love.
I am capable of sharing love with other people.
Jesus Christ is my Savior and Redeemer, and I love Him.

Let's go from there. :)
Thank you, Father!

Love,
Dallin

You Are Alone: A Comprehensive List of Why God Hates You

Today I Did Something Difficult

Last night I had a conversation with my Aunt Lucy that went along these lines:

L: You want to do Malad's Got Talent. I know you want to perform.
D: Not really.
L: Yeah you do.
D: Ahhh. Ehh.. No. Not really.
L: It's your last year at home, come on, Dal!
D: I don't want to.
L: You're going to.
D: .... I don't even know what I'd do.

Well shucks.

This sparked a 3 hour discussion on what would take place the next day involving handstands, flips, humor, and what ended up being an incredible amount of vulnerability for me.

Oh, and jedi wrestling.

Ever since I was little I've been performing. I first got on stage at the tender age of 7 with my brothers by my side and my Grandma at the piano. Singing and performing hasn't been a problem for me. It comes naturally. This, however, this was something different. I was CREATING this act, and it wasn't a song. It wasn't a poem. It wasn't set in stone, and there was no memorized script. More than that, it was comedy.
COMEDY.
I don't know how well you are acquainted with me, and you should know this if you're not. Comedy is not my jam. I feel so inadequate about my comedic skills. Give me a poem or a song or tell me to do a handstand on top of that thing, and I'm in my comfort zone. Tell me to run 53 minutes of stairs or do a thousand pushups or go talk to a stranger or ask a girl on a date or do a handstand on that other thing, and I'm still in my comfort zone. Tell me that I'm leaving tomorrow to spend the next two months in Europe, and that's definitely in my comfort zone. I can do that. No worries there.
But comedy?
Yeah, not my cup of tea. By nature, I tend to like to control situations. Comedy is one I'm not confident that I can control. Especially when working with another person. Alone, I could probably put together a fairly decent comedy show and perform it myself and feel pretty good about it. This time I wasn't alone. My brother Spencer was involved, and we were getting input from Lucy. Spencer's humor I get along with really well. Lucy's I don't always. I think that yo mamma jokes are dumb. Regardless, I was thankful for her input, and could see how valuable it was, so I tried to stop talking and start listening more. Still my ego was getting in the way and I felt like I had to interject myself into every single thing that was happening. Going to bed last night I felt so raw and vulnerable and terrified about what was going to happen today that I hoped a little bit that it wouldn't happen.
This ended up being a great exercise in trust for me.
The fact was that I couldn't control this whole performance. It was put together too quickly, was too disorganized, had too much unscripted material, and had too much humor for me to control. It also had Spencer in it, and as I was calming myself and trying to prepare to go on stage, I found myself trying to control his emotions too - trying to make him have the stage presence which I thought he should have. The one I was afraid he wasn't going to have. The one I was afraid *I* wasn't going to have.
My shame gremlins were having a field day.
"He's going to ruin it for you!" They told me very distinctly. "He's too nervous and not engaged! He's not going to smile! You knew this was a bad idea, and you did it anyway! We told you! You can't do this!"
As I prepared, I prayed, and put effort into clearing my head and focusing on what was going to happen and what I could do about it. I came to realize that there was absolutely nothing I could do about how Spencer felt or acted, and that it really was possible that he could ruin the show. I realized that *I* was preemptively ruining the show by trying to control the end result. So I decided to let it go, open my heart, and just give what I had.
It was terrifying.
I allowed the feelings of nervousness and vulnerability to come, welcomed them into my heart, and HAD A BEAUTIFUL SHOW. :D
We didn't advance to the next round, even though I thought we were going to make it. My ego was displeased by the judge's decision. My joy, however, was greater than my ego in that moment, and I felt happy.
I felt so accepted and loved by so many people, and by myself. I showed up and was present, and it made all the difference. I gave my heart to the moment and just felt joy. I felt connected to Spencer. We had a great time.
And, in the midst of it all, I got this wonderful accidental mantra inscribed on my wrist which defined my intentions going into it, and described my feelings coming out. That was cool. Flippin cool. ;)

What a wonderful day. Vulnerability is awesome. Showing up and being present is awesome. Love is awesome. Life is awesome. ^_^
Thanks, Lucy and Spencer. You guys rocked it. I'm so glad that I did this with you. This was good for me.
Dear reader, I hope you find something to open your heart to and be present in soon. It's amazing. :)
Thank you, God! :D

Oh Love

Wow. Today wonderful things have happened. This week and this month and this year wonderful things have happened. I have been tossed upon the sea of uncertainty, thrilled by the view of new heights, calmed by the stillness of Christ. I have fallen in love, felt rejected in love, felt accepted in love, and come to understand more about what love really is and the role it plays in living life as Christ did. I've danced and sang and shouted and cried and flipped and smiled and frowned.

I've lived. 

Guys, I'm going on a mission. I'M GOING ON A MISSION TO CHIHUAHUA, MEXICO. :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
I know that is old news, and that is okay with me. For really the first time, I feel genuinely excited to go. I've felt numb for the past while, and now I feel awesome. I feel like a superhero! THIS IS AWESOME. :D What a wonderful thing this is. For everyone I've told before today that I was excited about going, I apologize. I kind of lied to you. I had no clue what to feel. Sorry about that. xD
Oh joy! I feel so happy tonight. Scary happy. The kind of happiness which fear tells me to be afraid of because it could go away and that could hurt. Fear is correct. :) It could, and probably will go away. That's okay. Right now I feel it, and I want to enjoy it while it's here. I don't need you, fear.

AHH MEXICO. AWWWWYEAH. MEXICO HERE I COME. IMMA BE A SUPERHERO. :D

And the Lord is providing ways for me to make the money to go, and my family has a BEAUTIFUL new home, and my Grandparents are some of the most marvelous people I've ever met, and I have a body and hands and eyes and ears, and the internet is amazing, and I got to help lay 15000 sq feet of sod today so now I'll be buff, and the sky and the stars and the Earth and HAPPINESS. UNBRIDLED, UNASHAMED, UNMISTAKEN JOY. :D

Okay. Fewer caps now. Joy is so wonderful. :)

Do you want to know about something that I love? I love people. I love my friends and my family. I really, really would have a hard time expressing this to you in words. I just love them. I see them and I want to dance and sing and laugh and smile. I feel like such a child tonight. Look at these people! I love them! :D
How blessed I am to be alive.

Oh love. You're so much more than I ever had thought before. You are simple, and yet you cover the whole depth and breadth of human experience. Love, you're awesome. :D
Thank you, Heavenly Father, for showing me more about love. I love you, and I bear witness of Your name and Your gospel. Thank you for placing it in my life. :)

Rejoice!

Lean In

Pain is such a funny thing. It is so easy to become wrapped up in it and even to lose focus on a greater goal because of pain.
Even Christ, the greatest of all, when given His greatest challenge requested a respite from the pain. The thing that Christ did right is that He didn't lose track of where He was going - He still had a why. His fundamental why. It was deep, abiding, and solid. Even when He was suffering for the sins, pains, and afflictions of all mankind there was a stillness inside of Him.
Recently I've read a lot of books on leadership, especially leadership within my own being. Here's a few things I've learned:

1) You have to have a firm foundation if you want to be a happy person.

The writers I read from didn't have the same foundations on the outside, but at the core they were very similar. They were steady, immovable, and unalterable. Not even the authors could change the foundations - their only choice was to stand on them or not. It was basically a belief and recognition that there is something greater than them in the universe, and the faith to move forward into extreme uncertainty as a result. They still may have worried, but their foundations were greater than anything they could come across, even the loss of their own lives and they understood this.

2) You have to bring other people with you if you want to be a happy person.

A firm foundation is great, and in situations where there truly is nobody else on the entire planet who you could possibly bring with you, it will sustain you all on your own. However, such situations hardly ever exist, and humans are social creatures. Not only are we social, we are imperfect. We NEED each other to overcome challenges. You know the twelve step program, yeah? It is said that if you make it through all of the first eleven steps, but fail to make it through the twelfth, you will go back to drinking every time. Why? I can't say for certain, but here's what it seems to me.

It's great to be addiction-free, and it's super freeing, but if you don't have a purpose and someone to share your experience with, your achievement will crumble and fall. Humans have a fundamental need to share with and lift and build other people. "I lift thee and thee lift me, and we will rise together." <-- that kind of a deal. In some ways, that's what writing here is for me. Writing is something I can do to share my experience in a way that can help other people. And I notice that when I'm struggling and I feel the urge to write, but don't, it slows my progress. I have a need to give something to the people around me. I have a need to use my pain and my joy to help other people understand theirs. It's freeing to be a human, and binding to be anything else. Allow yourself to be human, and bring other people with you along the way.

3) You have to learn to lean in to pain, discomfort, sorrow, and even joy.

Emotion is uncomfortable, and there are very few people in the world who just are naturally wholehearted in the sense that they are just plain unafraid to be who they are - messy emotions and all. This is where it gets rough. This is where one of my favorite quotes on my tack-board comes into play. "If your life is not hard, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG." If you're not stretching your boundaries and seeing what you can actually achieve, you're not living as wholehearted of a life as you could be. Because doing hard things is a necessity to wholeheartedness, pain, discomfort, sorrow, and joy will all be results. And you will makes mistakes, I promise. Shift back to the firm foundation for a moment here, let's talk about that. No matter what you do, where you go, or how you've lived, you are enough. You are worthy, you are important, you are loved. Never let that move from your mind. This is a critical part of your firm foundation. Your actions are your actions, and you are you. They are separate and distinct, and Brene Brown talks about them beautifully in Daring Greatly. Go get the book, it's worth a read. It is important when doing hard things to remember to center yourself. Ask yourself,
"Why am I here?" "What is my purpose?" "How can I work right now toward the best outcome?" 

then take time and actually answer the questions. Center the questions around your foundation. Bring yourself to center, then move forward. There is clarity and peace in remembering your foundation. Make this a habit.

This week I'm going into a situation that I see as being very uncomfortable for me in a couple of ways. Those are ways I am not going to discuss here for now, or maybe ever, but it has potential to be something that I feel pain, discomfort, sorrow, and joy all in different ways. That's the thing about it, I just don't know. It's incredibly uncertain, and my natural reaction is to shut down hard core. I don't want to do that this time. I want this to be one of the moments that I look back on and see as a turning point in my life. I want to lean in to pain. I want to experience sorrow. I want to smile at discomfort and I want to embrace joy. After all, I'm a human, and this is part of who I am. 

Christ is the foundation, the rock that I stand on. He is immovable, he is steady, he is kind. I can rely on Him. 1 Corinthians 13 talks about charity, and Christ is the epitome of charity, so let's sub his name into this chapter:

1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not Christ, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.

 2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not Christ, I am nothing.

 3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not Christ, it profiteth me nothing.

 4 Christ suffereth long, and is kind; Christ envieth not; Christ vaunteth not himself, is not puffed up,

 5 Doth not behave himself unseemly, seeketh not his own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

 6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

 7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

 8 Christ never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.

 9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.

 10 But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.

 11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

 12 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

 13 And now abideth faith, hope, Christ, these three; but the greatest of these is Christ.

^^This is my rock. This is my foundation, and though all other things pass away, He will still be there. He cannot be moved, He will not be moved, and I can trust utterly and completely in His steadiness.
Because of Him, I can be unafraid to do hard things.
Because of Him, I can experience all emotion fully and without hesitation.
Because of Him, I can love completely, wholy, and unashamedly, and I can be free.

I can be free!

Praise be to Him forever.

'Come, Follow Me' An Original Poem

Where is the fire inside of me?
It used to be, it used to be..
Where is the purpose, and how did it flee?
It used to be, it used to be...
How have I fallen, and why can't I see?
It used to be, it used to be.

Now I am lonely, afraid and put down.
My friends and my family will not see me drown.
For drowning is silent, and still as the song
Of a heart no longer beating.

Oh God, where are you now that I'm here on the edge?
The edge of my sanity, the edge of my hope.
I'm tired, Dear Lord, and have no more strength.
No balm for my soul, and no way to cope.
There is pain beyond that which You can understand;
I've come so far, and fallen so deep.
Please let me go now, I'll burden no more.
Please, Father, let me sleep.


Dear child, sleep well, and dream while you sleep;
Think no longer of dwelling in chains.
For I am your God, and your soul I will keep.
My grace is sufficient to heal all your pains.
Worry not, you can become whole.
I know that your strength is gone, so use Mine,
It's free, so ask, let that be your goal.
Oh child, hold on, this is by design.

Many a heart will no longer beat,
For they drowned to the words of that song.
Hold on, we can do this, there will be a way.
And you will yet live to be strong.

I am your Lord, please do not flee,
Come follow Me, come follow Me.
I am your comfort, your guide I will be,
Come follow Me, come follow Me.
Please, heed my words, you still can be free.
Come follow Me, come follow Me.

Humanity

For a while, I've been working on the campaign team for a couple of my buddies who are running for student body president and secretary. They're great and I love them. I really believe that they are people who will do amazing things at WA.

Today I feel tired. I feel sad and lonely and disappointed with myself. I've become so wrapped up in winning these campaigns that I've stopped seeing other people as people. Only another person to sway or an enemy to be dealt with.

And to be clear, this post is about me. I, myself. Dallin Ward. It's not about anyone else in the campaign because I can't speak their feelings or experience. This is solely and completely mine. I accept this as mine.

I didn't realize how wrapped up I was until I chatted a guy in class to ask him about voting for my candidate. A guy who is my friend; someone who I've worked with and I love. I didn't ask him how he was or even regard him as a human. Everything I did was in efforts to get him to vote the way I wanted him to, and then damage control when it appeared he wasn't going to. At the end, I even made the remark, "By the way, nice comments in class today, bro." But I didn't mean any of it, and I think he felt that. It was an awkward situation for me, and it looked like an awkward situation for him. 

But GAHADFOIASF AF;AGAEGA SREGFI GUBAVDN SADOGI NASDGONA;OIF OSIF ;OWIHF;AOIUEIHT;OF8QIEYHT;OIGWHSNE;OILD HFN; OASDHNGL VKHASN; DFOHVA OLSDHGVN; OAIEHSFN; OAUEHR;OGIHS;OUHKF AOIHGN ;LAK A ;;ASDSD ;KSDA  LNL

GAH.

VULNERABILITY AND HUMANNESS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANY OPINION, AND I LET MY OPINION CHANGE THE WAY I TREATED ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.

This is not okay with me. 

**Sigh** I'm tired. I'm done trying to convince at any cost. The ends do not justify the means. 

Simon Sinek says that he's such an effective speaker because, 

"I only speak what I believe, and I only says things that I know to be true."
I want to be like that. I'm done trying to beat other people. I'm done trying to convince myself that it's okay. I love people. That's what I do. This forceful, angry side of me isn't who I am. I want no part of it. If I am to succeed in this life, I want to succeed because I did what I knew to be right and did not give up my integrity to achieve any goal. My integrity is what gives me strength. 

So, today, I am going to do and say things I believe, and that's it. I'm also going to see if I can finish my checklist. It would be the first time I've finished a whole checklist in a very long time. I want to believe that I can do this. I can be the man that God wants me to be. I can. Heavenly Father, please help me. I want to be a better man. 

There is such pride and foolishness in my heart. I am such a flawed human being. I don't feel happy with myself. I act in hypocrisy and deceit more often than even I understand. I don't feel confident and pleased with myself. I feel proud and stupid and glum.
Oh Lord, please help me. I just want to be a better man.

Public School and Living a Meaningful Life

I have such a desire to express angry feelings about the public school system. I want to rant and rave and yell about it. But I'm not going to do that. Anger just makes me weary. I do have things that I struggle with about it though.
At public school, I don't feel like I'm a human being. I feel like just another number. They really do give us numbers, in fact. Since the 1st grade I've had a number. We are told to memorize them, and identify ourselves by them at lunch time and in the library.

My name is Dallin Ward, and my number is 16054.

I am a member of the public school system.

Another future worker in the labor force of America.

I am not expected to understand, only to memorize.

I am expected to test well.

Tardiness and absence are never excused;

The school has got to get its money from somewhere.

They think that the way to teach children is to:

Sit them in desks for 8 hours.

Keep them quiet.

Teach them all the same lesson, all the same way.

Test them regularly with standardized tests.

Put students who just don't learn their way into, "Special Ed."

Give them even more work to do after 8 straight hours of schooling.

Keep them indoors.

Limit their recess time.

Creativity is seldom praised;

Work is based on performance only.

Effort means very little.

Students with hard lives outside of school -

Aren't taught how to overcome those things. 

Tough luck, huh kid?

Where is the part about love? Where is the part about vulnerability and openness and humanity?

Where did those things go?

"Yeah well, about the number thing, as the schools get larger, it's necessary for knowing who is who and billing purposes in the office and thing like that, and there's also.."

Yeah, I know, I get it. I understand why the numbers are a thing and why they are helpful. They really do make things more efficient. Let me phrase it this way:

To the parents of publicly schooled children, 

Do you really want your child to spend their most impressionable and formative years in a place where they are locked in a room for most of the day, and where they are taught by people who are too busy to know them as more than just another student among the masses? Of course this isn't always the case, but oftentimes it really is. Is that what you want them to know? Where is the part about living a happy and meaningful life? Where is the part about feeling fulfilled and loved and connected? Who will be there to tell them that they are important and worthwhile?

What did you do when you came home to your family last night? Did you turn on the TV? How about spend a couple hours on your phone? What were your children doing? Do they know that you love them? Do you actively do things to tell them that they matter to you? If you don't, shame on you. Yeah, I'm calling it. You are actively being a poor parent because you are too afraid to reach out to your very own children. I don't care how tired you are. They need your love. And if it's all you can do to give them a hug or read them a story, do it. Just do something. 

Are you working too much to spend any time with your family? Stop it. Cut your expenses, and work less. If your television costs you money to run, sell it. Is it really that important? If your smartphone is costing you too much money to take time off work, downgrade to a dumbphone. If you are going out to eat at the expense of needed time and money for your children, stop it. Make your meals at home. For their sake, teach your children how to cook! If your computer is distracting you from your family, get rid of it. Cut your internet if you have to. If you have debt that weighs you down, pay it off. Your children need you. 

Where else are they going to learn how to live a meaningful life?

"But my life isn't meaningful. How can I teach them something I don't know?" 

Well, you have to learn. Start with these books:

As A Man Thinketh

Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

The Power of Full Engagement

The Alchemist

The 8th Habit: From Effectiveness to Greatness

The Anatomy of Peace

How to Win Friends and Influence People

The Gifts of Imperfection

A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: How I Learned to Live a Better Story

Organizing Genius: The Secrets of Creative Collaboration

Read them one by one, and take notes. Don't rush it, but be constant. Don't stop. Keep moving forward! You can do this. It will take courage and you will really really hurt at times. There will be painful realizations, but you will overcome with consistent effort. 

You will live a meaningful life, and you can teach your children how to as well. They need you. Where else are they going to learn lessons like this? 

If you're more of a blog kind of person, here's a few blogs to follow that will help you live more meaningfully.

Mindful Fathering + Instant Insights

Zen Habits

The Stephen Palmer Blog

Mnmlist

The James Ure Blog

The Art of Manliness

Discover Share Inspire

Re:Focus
The Dave Ramsey Blog

To the children of the parents: don't think that you're a victim. You're not. If you want more meaning in your life, you need same thing as your parents. Educate yourself. If you want a good education, you're going to have to look to more than your public school. You will not be taught the right things there to live a happy life. Spend more time with your family. Open your heart, and allow yourself to be loved. It's going to be painful, I promise. Do it anyway. Your parents need you.

That's it for now. 

Love,

Dallin

Words From the Heart

Upon the death of his father, a wise man once wrote:

And upon these I write the things of my soul, and many of the scriptures which are engraven upon the plates of brass. For my soul delighteth in the scriptures, and my heart pondereth them, and writeth them for the learning and the profit of my children.
Behold, my soul delighteth in the things of the Lord; and my heart pondereth continually upon the things which I have seen and heard.
Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.
I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.
And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.
My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.
He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh.He hath confounded mine enemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me.
Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night-time.
And by day have I waxed bold in mighty prayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me.
And upon the wings of his Spirit hath my body beencarried away upon exceedingly high mountains. And mine eyes have beheld great things, yea, even too great for man; therefore I was bidden that I should not write them.
O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?
And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?
Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.
Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.
O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?
May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may walk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road!
O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine enemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way—but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy.
O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.
Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.

I don't want this to be a part of me. This... Blackness to become a part of my soul. I want none of it. 

Life is hard enough without also being sad.

You Are a Symbol - An Open Letter to Marco Rubio

Senator Rubio,
Last night during the debate you spoke about why you are still in the race. You said,

"Let me tell you what this election is about for me, and I get all the delegate math and all the debate, let me tell you what it's about for me. On Tuesday night, I didn't do as well obviously as I wanted to, and I was a little bit disappointed when I got home. And my wife told me a story that night, which is the reason why I can get up the next day and keep fighting. There's a gentleman here in south Florida who just got out of surgery, and his doctors told him he needs to be home resting. But every afternoon he takes his little aluminum chair and he sits outside of an early polling center and holds a sign that says, 'Marco Rubio' because for him I symbolize all the sacrifices that his generation made so their children could have a better life than themselves. That gentleman has not given up on me, and I am not going to give up on him. I am going to work tirelessly every single day because this election is too important. What's at stake is the future of this country, and I believe that at the end of this process this nation will make the right choice, because I've always believed that God has blessed America, that God's hand is upon this country, and that it's greatest days are yet to come."

Marco, that's brilliant! I applaud you on that quote, and the fact that you are such a symbol for people in America is outstanding; it comes with great responsibility.

Last night I was inspired by your words. I rewound and listened to it again so that I could really feel the power of your words. You really are a powerful speaker. This morning, as I thought about the debate and especially about this segment, the thought occurred to me, "Senator Rubio isn't going to give up on this man, but is he going to give up on me?"
I'll be honest with you, Marco, I'm a Cruz supporter, but I really like you as a human being. I believe that you're a smart man, a good man, and most importantly a God fearing man. For a while now I've hoped that you would get out of the race and support Cruz, because I see that as the most viable way to beat Trump, and I believe that beating Trump is very important for the freedom of the US. I believe that a Cruz-Rubio ticket would be incredibly powerful.
Senator, there are a lot of things I don't know, and I don't profess to have all the answers. I'm only 18 years old, and I just voted for the first time. I don't know why you're not dropping out. Some accuse you of being bitter, proud, and selfish. That might be true, but I don't think it is. I believe that you kneel down and pour your soul out to God every morning and every night. I believe that you knelt down in agony on Tuesday night and pleaded with God to know why you aren't succeeding. I believe that you are a man of God, and I cannot receive revelation from God for you. If God is telling you to stay in the race, by all means, do it!
I would like to pose a few questions that I don't profess to know the answers to, but that I believe you would do well to consider carefully.

1) Is staying in the race the best way for you to be that symbol of sacrifice for the next generation?

2) Are you really giving up on that man by dropping out of the race and supporting another God fearing candidate?

3) In turn, are you giving up on me by staying in the race and taking votes away from Cruz?

I wish you the best, man. I really do. May the Lord bless in you all things.

Respectfully,
Dallin Ward

More Like Love

My dear friend,
I hope you've had a beautiful day. I really do.
Today I feel hurt. I feel broken and helpless. I've given so much and expended so much energy, and now I just feel tired. There is so much going on. Let's talk about it for a minute or two.
Since I was a small child I wanted to be a state champion wrestler. That was one of my great goals. I worked and sweat and bled and cried for it. I dreamed about it and talked to almost everyone who would listen. I studied and prayed and thought about it for years. I bought books and videos and even a mat for my basement. Anything I could think of to try and be better. Wrestling camps and early morning practices, meditation, yoga, etc. The list goes on. I even learned how to do a backflip after a coach told me to.
This year was my senior year - my last go. I never had won it yet. Twice I had taken 2nd, and once 3rd, but never won. Long story short, I took second - again. I never ever will be a state champion wrestler.
Oh the anguish of that statement!
Oh Lord, my soul cried. Please help me! I hurt so badly and I do not know what to do. 
Why, Lord? Why must I lose again? I just wanted to be a state champion. Just once. 
I just wanted to be successful. I wanted to be able to look my children in the eyes and one day tell them about the time that daddy won state. Tell them about the struggle and the pain and eventual triumph. I wanted to have a good story to tell. I wanted to win so that I could know what it was like. I wanted to win for my coaches. I wanted to win for my friends who came to watch. I wanted to wrestle and to win for God and for His glory. 

I fought this. I tried to tell myself that God has a plan and that I have to be patient and everything will work out. Not just this year, but in years past. The solution to the pain was always, "There is still next year. Keep training, keep working hard. You'll make it." 

I didn't make it.

And this year I have no next year. I have to deal with this pain or let it fester in my soul. 

Tonight I had a conversation with a friend who I've really wanted to talk with for a while, and I worked hard today so that I would have time to talk tonight. I wanted to talk about so many things, and state maybe as one of them. But I didn't get the feelings to come. Initially I felt great. I had just gotten some great things done, I felt awesome. But not long in, I just began to feel blank. Numb. Nothing. I didn't feel like I was putting my heart in the conversation, and I didn't know how to put it in. 

I just hurt. A lot. And I don't know how to deal with it. I want to cry but I don't really know how. I'm not very good at it. It doesn't seem to solve my problems. I wanted to open my heart and give voice to all my feelings, but I froze up, and didn't speak. 

Oh Lord, I hurt so much. I don't know what to do. I'm tired of trying to live by my own wisdom. I'm tired of trying to explain all the things that happen. Please help me to be more like You.

I submit myself to you. I give up. I'm a broken man. 

Please heal me. 

Carry my burdens, and guide me in the path that You want me to go. I give myself up to you. 

I cannot be whole without you in my life.

Ben Rector sings a song that describes how I feel tonight. He says, 

I used to think I wanted to be famous
I'd be recognized out in a crowd
But the funny thing is anytime I've gotten what I want
It lets me down 

But now I just wanna look more like love
I just wanna look more like love
This whole world is spinning crazy
And I can't quite keep up
It's the one thing around here
That we don't have quite enough of
So I just wanna look a little more
Like love 

I used to think I needed all the answers
I used to need to know that I was right
I used to be afraid of things I couldn't cover up
In black and white 

But I just wanna look more like love
I just wanna look more like love
This whole world is spinning crazy
And I can't quite keep up
It's the one thing around here
That we don't have quite enough of
So I just wanna look a little more
Like love

I find the farther that I climb
There's always another line
Of mountain tops
It's never going to stop
And the more of anything I do
The thing that always ends up true
Is getting what I want
Will never be enough 

So I just wanna look more like love
I just wanna look more like love
This whole world is spinning crazy
I can't quite keep up
It's the one thing around here
That we don't have quite enough of
So I just wanna look a little more
Like love
Like love

Before my state finals match I was talking with God about love. I was asking Him to teach me more about love. For so long the Devil has lied to me and tried to tell me that love is weak. I know that is false. Love is strong, for God is love. I asked Him to teach me how to be strong in love. Teach me how to love my opponent while I wrestle, and love what I'm doing, and be stronger because of it.

I don't know why I lost that match. So many things were going well for me to win it.
So be it.
I trust you, Lord. Show me the way. Please help me to be whole.
Love,
Dallin

I Love God

I love God. So very much. ^_^ And basically everything else about life. He set it up so well, and I've found that as I really reach and really try to be the man He wants be to be, I become that man. Even when I'm not feeling it. Even on the days when my prayers feel insincere and hollow, and I feel alone and empty, He is there. His plan for all men to be saved baffles me with its brilliance. It really does. I look at it and the way it is constructed for the edification and development of all man, and I marvel. I love it all.
God has done so many good things for you and I. Have you ever though about all the good things He has done? First, he created life. Life emerged out of a universe of unorganized matter. Elements floating in space which cannot become more on their own. He organized them. He put the universe together like a child with the world's greatest box of leggos. Can you imagine that? I bet God was EXCITED. I picture Him having a great vision of how He wanted things to be, and then working so hard to get there, and when the seventh day came and all was done, I imagine him standing back and just smiling. Grinning ear to ear, because He knew that what He created was good. It says so in the Bible that He at least examined it when He was finished, and, "Saw that it was good." And He did more than that. :D
God not only created the cosmos and the humans, but He stayed with them, and is still with them. Tending them, propping them up, building them. He's the ultimate gardener, and we are raised by His hand. He sent us here with a great Plan of Salvation, that we may return to live with Him someday. All men may return. He doesn't have favorites. He loves every member of ISIS just as much as He loves the active Christian, and at times He weeps at the actions of both groups of people. See, at root we humans are not very much different. At root we all want to be loved and we all want to be happy. That's what we call the Light of Christ, and it is in all men. God put it there on purpose. Some people choose to stifle and kill that light. ISIS seems to me a fitting example of men who choose to be the destroyers. Others choose to grow that light, and seek to become better human beings. It's all their choice, and that's the brilliance of the whole matter. That's God doing His job well. All men absolutely have a choice to do whatever they want to do with their lives. God has never and will never take any agency from any man. If He did He would cease to be God.
He will never make your decisions for you, but He will certainly aid you in the ones you to make.
He will seldom, if ever, remove you from the trials that you face, but He will teach you how to rise to meet them.
He will always love you, and aid you in any way that He can, but you have to let Him into your heart, and you have to work hard for what you want. That's agency, and that's true love, and I promise if you'll just try it - just give it some time and effort and really work at it for a while, you will come to know the wisdom in His plan. It's pure genius. All of it.
Check it out sometime, yeah? :D
All the Love I've Got,
Dallin