More Like Love

My dear friend,
I hope you've had a beautiful day. I really do.
Today I feel hurt. I feel broken and helpless. I've given so much and expended so much energy, and now I just feel tired. There is so much going on. Let's talk about it for a minute or two.
Since I was a small child I wanted to be a state champion wrestler. That was one of my great goals. I worked and sweat and bled and cried for it. I dreamed about it and talked to almost everyone who would listen. I studied and prayed and thought about it for years. I bought books and videos and even a mat for my basement. Anything I could think of to try and be better. Wrestling camps and early morning practices, meditation, yoga, etc. The list goes on. I even learned how to do a backflip after a coach told me to.
This year was my senior year - my last go. I never had won it yet. Twice I had taken 2nd, and once 3rd, but never won. Long story short, I took second - again. I never ever will be a state champion wrestler.
Oh the anguish of that statement!
Oh Lord, my soul cried. Please help me! I hurt so badly and I do not know what to do. 
Why, Lord? Why must I lose again? I just wanted to be a state champion. Just once. 
I just wanted to be successful. I wanted to be able to look my children in the eyes and one day tell them about the time that daddy won state. Tell them about the struggle and the pain and eventual triumph. I wanted to have a good story to tell. I wanted to win so that I could know what it was like. I wanted to win for my coaches. I wanted to win for my friends who came to watch. I wanted to wrestle and to win for God and for His glory. 

I fought this. I tried to tell myself that God has a plan and that I have to be patient and everything will work out. Not just this year, but in years past. The solution to the pain was always, "There is still next year. Keep training, keep working hard. You'll make it." 

I didn't make it.

And this year I have no next year. I have to deal with this pain or let it fester in my soul. 

Tonight I had a conversation with a friend who I've really wanted to talk with for a while, and I worked hard today so that I would have time to talk tonight. I wanted to talk about so many things, and state maybe as one of them. But I didn't get the feelings to come. Initially I felt great. I had just gotten some great things done, I felt awesome. But not long in, I just began to feel blank. Numb. Nothing. I didn't feel like I was putting my heart in the conversation, and I didn't know how to put it in. 

I just hurt. A lot. And I don't know how to deal with it. I want to cry but I don't really know how. I'm not very good at it. It doesn't seem to solve my problems. I wanted to open my heart and give voice to all my feelings, but I froze up, and didn't speak. 

Oh Lord, I hurt so much. I don't know what to do. I'm tired of trying to live by my own wisdom. I'm tired of trying to explain all the things that happen. Please help me to be more like You.

I submit myself to you. I give up. I'm a broken man. 

Please heal me. 

Carry my burdens, and guide me in the path that You want me to go. I give myself up to you. 

I cannot be whole without you in my life.

Ben Rector sings a song that describes how I feel tonight. He says, 

I used to think I wanted to be famous
I'd be recognized out in a crowd
But the funny thing is anytime I've gotten what I want
It lets me down 

But now I just wanna look more like love
I just wanna look more like love
This whole world is spinning crazy
And I can't quite keep up
It's the one thing around here
That we don't have quite enough of
So I just wanna look a little more
Like love 

I used to think I needed all the answers
I used to need to know that I was right
I used to be afraid of things I couldn't cover up
In black and white 

But I just wanna look more like love
I just wanna look more like love
This whole world is spinning crazy
And I can't quite keep up
It's the one thing around here
That we don't have quite enough of
So I just wanna look a little more
Like love

I find the farther that I climb
There's always another line
Of mountain tops
It's never going to stop
And the more of anything I do
The thing that always ends up true
Is getting what I want
Will never be enough 

So I just wanna look more like love
I just wanna look more like love
This whole world is spinning crazy
I can't quite keep up
It's the one thing around here
That we don't have quite enough of
So I just wanna look a little more
Like love
Like love

Before my state finals match I was talking with God about love. I was asking Him to teach me more about love. For so long the Devil has lied to me and tried to tell me that love is weak. I know that is false. Love is strong, for God is love. I asked Him to teach me how to be strong in love. Teach me how to love my opponent while I wrestle, and love what I'm doing, and be stronger because of it.

I don't know why I lost that match. So many things were going well for me to win it.
So be it.
I trust you, Lord. Show me the way. Please help me to be whole.
Love,
Dallin