When I grow up, I want to sing in the car with my wife as loudly or softly as we please, and I want to laugh with her. I want to be really joyful with her. I want to learn the harmonies and sing the songs and find the happiness. I want to feel alive with her.

A Step In The Right Direction

Little. I feel so small. 
Like I'm drowning in my own soul.
I don't feel the belief in myself that radiated so strongly in me at the beginning of the semester.
I don't like feeling like this. I like to feel strong. I like to feel confident. Today I feel neither of those things.
And I know that I am strong. I know that I am confident. But I don't feel it. It's not just a mental thing. I feel it physically too. I feel weak. It's not true. I'm stronger than ever. I did 27 pullups in a row the other day. 260 pushups in 10 minutes. Squated 285 pounds. I am strong. But I don't feel it.
I feel isolated. Cold. Separated. It's interesting. I don't feel alone. I know there are people around me and people who love me. I feel their love. But I'm not sure that I love myself. Or rather, I'm not sure that I love my actions, which I sometimes use to define myself. I do love myself.
My actions aren't bad. I haven't committed any great sins or anything. I really act in an overwhelmingly good way most of the time. I just feel stagnant. Like the devil has got a hold of me and it's sixes. I'm not moving, and neither is he.
It's good to express this feeling. Contrary to my original thought, it makes me a little bit happy to write this down. I feel like I'm lifting a weight off of my soul. But I know it won't stay away for long. It's like throwing a boulder up in the air, giving me a moment of relief followed by the crushing forces of its return.
I want so much to feel good. But I don't. I feel tired.
I don't feel like I can do anything great today. But I can do something.
Today I am going to put away my laundry.
Tomorrow I am going to commit to something else, and I'm going to do it.
Though it takes moving an inch at a time and pulling against the devil every step of the way, I'm going to break this. I can do this. I am strong, I am patient, and I am a child of God. 

The 60 Day Challenge: Day 12

Right now I feel angry. It's the type of feeling that makes me want to go run and punch and kick and exude all my energy until there is none left. I feel like I want to destroy something. But I know that's not right. The will to destroy out of anger is always wrong. It's my ego trying to make me validate my poor choices through its will. But I won't.
Ego, you are of the devil, and I am of God. You and I are not the same. That's a big statement. Today I made mistakes. Today I allowed myself to be angry at things beyond my control, and things that are not my fault, though I view them as mine. Today I allowed myself to be pulled into the nothingness you would have me live. I'm all about unity and the oneness of humankind, but with you I am not willing to be one. You are not me. We are not the same. We are different.
I am Virtuous.
I am Knowledgeable.
I am Temperate.
I am Patient.
I am Kind.
I am of God.
I am Charitable.
I am Humble.
I am Diligent.
My name is Dallin Ward, and I am a son of God. I love Him. I have the opportunity to come to this Earth and grow and become better. My mission is to become like Christ, even unto perfection. I will succeed. The devil can only hold me as long as I fear him, and I fear him less all the time. I am growing stronger. The devil will only fail. His strength is entirely a facade. There is nothing true, honest, strong, or good about him. He is the purposeful rejection of light. I choose light.
Today I feel like I failed. I feel like I didn't have a particularly good day yesterday either. Tomorrow I may not have a particularly good day. I don't know yet. But I BELIEVE. I believe it will be. If it's not, and if the week after it isn't, and if the year and year after that isn't, I will never lose my faith that I will overcome. I believe in Christ. He is my savior, my redeemer, my friend. He will help me overcome.
Another day begins soon. Here we go.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irX0E4-mc9U

The 60 Day Challenge: Day 11

Today I struggled to keep on my schedule. That seems to be a theme this week, and I need to improve on that. I got up on time and everything, I just didn't follow my schedule. Good day though. I got to go up and do a little bit of wrestling, and that made it even better. I think I'm still lagging from Tuesday and no sleep for Wednesday.
I could have finished today in a lot better of a way. I had the opportunity to finish it well and I didn't. I would do well to do better at that.
I feel discouraged tonight, but I can do better tomorrow. I can still get to bed on time, but I think I'll sleep in an hour tomorrow morning. Maybe two. I need some sleep.

The 60 Day Challenge: Days 9 and 10

To be fair to myself, these days really are not separate memories. They're the same day to me. I hardly remember a lot of it. I've only slept about an hour in the last 48. (As of last night, when this post was supposed to have been posted. ;) )
The vlog for end of day 9 / beginning of day 10:

To clarify, I really didn't sleep at all night of day 9. Up from 8:00 to 6:45 working on the trebuchet. I was so close to finishing. If only I could get that silly cable to hold. It snapped twice. At about 7:20 I decided that a bath was in good order. It would relax me, and maybe help get some of the black out of my hands that wouldn't come out. Well, I fell asleep in the bathtub for a about 40 minutes. I didn't get all the gunk out of my hands, but I did get a little bit of sleep. ;)

Day 10 was a good day. It could have been otherwise, but I chose to make it good. I was late for, and fell asleep for part of seminary, but stayed awake for an amount which was surprising to me. Physics was next, and the group that I was (kind of) with had built another trebuchet. I wasn't allowed to get credit with theirs because I didn't help build it, but my teacher, (Mr. Pope) said that I could still get credit for finishing mine, it would just be late.
I skipped Political Lit so that I could get the reading done for World Civ, and I had a difficult time staying awake to read. I would look at the screen, read a paragraph, begin to think that I was going to stay awake to read more, and then wake up 30 seconds later wondering what had happened. I fell asleep while logging in to class, and ended up 7 minutes late. I began the login 5 minutes early. Whoops. xD The worst part is that I'm class president in that class. Then, the entire class, I would just begin to think that I was really paying attention, and I'd fall asleep again. Pro tip for staying awake in class: don't pull allnighters.
Then I had advanced conditioning. It was a difficult class. I told my friend Sadie that I had only had 40 minutes of sleep, and she told me I shouldn't have come to class. xD Oh well. I got through it. I'm curious exactly how much the lack of sleep made my body drag. I'd like to do that workout again to see. Don't tell the people in my class that I want to do it again. ;) It was a punishment workout. Apparently the class treated the substitute poorly on Monday. I don't know. Wasn't there.
Then I came home to a SBP meeting, which was excellent. More than excellent. I love my team. :D
After that I tried to plan the rest of my evening to get something productive done, but then the drag really hit, and I couldn't think straight enough to walk straight, not to mention do homework. So I took a shower and swept the floor and read my scriptures and went to bed about 8:00. Now it's day 11, and I'm sitting on 9 hours of sleep and feel great. It's a good day! Praise the Lord! :D


Scriptures I read / listened to today:
'Meeting the Challenges of Today's World' by Elder Robert D. Hales

People I researched today:
Jane Edward Davies (KWVC-4PY) (You're welcome to do some research on her if you'd like to. :) I'm having trouble finding her parents.)

The 60 Day Challenge: Day 8

Okay, I've got 4 minutes to wrap this up and be in the shower, but I'll do what I can.
Today was a good day. I woke up at 4:00 instead of 5:00 because I forgot daylight savings. Whoops. xD It was nice to have an extra hour in the morning though. I had a strong cup of ginger tea with a big spoonful of honey, and it was tasty. I'm still not over the sickness I had all weekend, which is really a bummer, because my throat hurts a lot, and I don't like that. The mucus has mostly gone away which I am SO THANKFUL FOR, but it seems to be coming back tonight. We'll see what happens.
Because I don't want to get other people sick with this nastiness, I skipped school today, which actually ended up working to my advantage because I spent most of the day working on my trebuchet for physics, which is due tomorrow. I'm getting close. It's so much fun. ^_^ I'll post pictures of it later if I remember. I'd really like to.
Other than that, I took the deer, (All 3 of them) to the butcher today, caught a knuckle on my left hand with the grinder, (It's not bad) put up flags for the scout fundraiser, ate food, (painfully) and had a really good day. I've got to go now. Have a wonderful evening. ^_^

A thought to end the day with,
The interesting thing about mirrors is that we seldom look into them to gain our own perspective, but rather to gain the perspective of other people about our own appearance. Maybe it's more relevant to see what we think of ourselves.

P.S. 1 Peter: 3 is an excellent chapter of scripture and I recommend it highly.

The 60 Day Challenge, Days 1-7

It's hard to believe that I started this 7 days ago. Time is moving so quickly.

Overall it's been a week full of ups and downs. I've broken a lot of commitments and wasted a lot of time. Haven't slept when I'm supposed to. Haven't practiced the piano like I'm supposed to. Haven't really done anything *when* I was supposed to do it outside of scheduled classes. Until Friday my schedule was been in shambles. Still working on the weekends.

Let's back up and talk about what this challenge is for a moment so that the reader actually knows what I'm doing.
The 60 day challenge is a challenge I created for myself to help me live a happier and more fulfilling life. Here are the things it entails:

1. Going to bed at 9:00 pm and waking up at 5:00 am every day, including Sundays.
   This is really important. I need to get consistent sleep if I want to be productive, efficient, and focused. And happy. :D
2. Beginning and finishing every day with quality prayer, meditation, and scripture study. This is the balm for my soul to begin and end every day with. This challenge is hard, and that's all there is to it. I don't have a lot of time to talk with and be with friends, and that is really difficult for me. I am fueled by connection. To miss out on it is painful for me. My friends are so important. 
3. Doing family history every day, at very least a few minutes worth. I have about 20 minutes scheduled. 
   I have a calling in the church as Family History Consultant, and one of the promised blessings of fulfilling that calling is that I will find time for all the other things I want to do in life. That was promised to me, and I'm sticking God to it. 
4. Scheduling my life so that I don't have to waste time thinking about what I need to do next, including a overview and review at the beginning and end of each day to assess my progress. This means using a daily planner. In my case, the SAR.
   This is helpful because I am apt to misuse a lot of time thinking and not doing. It's in my nature. I love to think. I will think for hours and hours about things that are interesting to me and not even bat an eye. Life is fascinating. I just have got to keep my eye on the things that will make me feel fulfilled in the future.

Why am I doing this?

Primarily because I want to live a happy and fulfilling life. One of the important qualities of such a life is being debt free. If I can keep good grades and all my commitments on this challenge, I should be able to put myself through 4 years of college for free, which means no student loans. That's huge. Debate me as you will, but I strongly believe that he who owes money to another man is a slave to his creditor, and I am not willing to be a slave. I pray that the Lord will guide me in wise paths that I may never be in debt. It is not worth my freedom. 

One of the important reasons I wish to remain free from debt is that I do not want to grow up and be in debt and have to choose the bank over my family. Is this easy? No. It probably means that for a lot of my young married life my wife and I will live rather meagerly. I'm okay with that, and I pray that she will be too. It pays off. Debt is such a strain on marriage. I think that it's probably just as much a strain as a child asking why we're having beans and rice again and saying that they don't want it, or feeling like a poor husband because I can't take my wife out to dinner or I'll break the budget, but I've never been there, so it's hard for me to say. 

Also, this is my senior year of wrestling. I want it to be meaningful. I want to walk sincerely out with no regrets. None in school, none in wrestling, none in faith, none in family. I know I can and will walk out of this year having given an incredible amount to the sport of wrestling. The question is, can I walk out happy with my efforts? Can I have a clean conscience and a clear mind? I will choose to be happy come what may, but I don't want to have to come to terms with my shortcomings first. 

There is more to say, but I've got to go get ready for bed. I'm going to do better at posting every day this week. 

Here we go! 

The 60 Day Challenge Overview

Starting tomorrow, I'm going to be on a really tight schedule, with pretty rigorous commitments. Things which need to happen if I'm going to have a successful semester.
I'm really scared. I'm terrified. It's going to be really difficult, and very fulfilling, and involve a lot of growing pains. Because of these things, I'm going to blog about it so that I can vent frustrations and improve as I go. As of right now I need to go to bed.
I'll explain the challenge more as I go.
Here we go!
http://thoughtsofasimpledreamer.blogspot.com/2014/12/ready-set-go.html

Where Eternity Touches the Sky: An Original Poem

I felt like I could see you
If I stood on top of the world
And the vastness of our separation
Would be smaller as I beheld the nation
So I found a grand staircase in a little old town
In the back of the shop where they made the king's crown
'Hind a dusty old picture as large as a man
Was a creaky old door.
No lock on the door, past the stubborn brown hinge
So I opened it slowly, and softly went in.
The staircase extended to the top of the world
Round and again it gently unfurled.
A day or two later I came out on top
All was gentle, all was still, and I came to a stop.
And I looked and beheld that the world is so large,
Our distance then became small.
So I called to you then and somehow you heard,
And you went to the staircase in the small little town
In the back of the shop where they made the king's crown.
And you found the old picture as large as a man
Where the door is with the hinges a little off tan.
I met you there, and for a day or two we
Climbed the stairs so on top of the clouds we could be.
Soon we came out on top, and the stillness still was
In the place where before I had taken a pause.
And we sat in the moment so peaceful and still
With a cup of serenity we wished not to spill.
Soon spill it we did, but no crying did we,
As we danced to the soft song of life in our glee.
We danced and we sang and the songs were so sweet
Our harmonies glistened as we flowed with our feet.
Time stops for a moment to observe you and I
Radiant and young, unbelievably free.
On the top of the world God created.

In the place where the world and eternity meet
There is none so thankful as I.
For I called, and you came, and forever we'll be
Where eternity touches the sky.

Believe

Dear Friend,

Today you believed in me. It was amazing. In one short sentence, you changed my entire perspective on myself. This year I'm running for student body president, and I've had a lot of tension and uncertainty about it. I've been afraid of it. I'm afraid of what will happen if I actually get elected. Can I actually take on that kind of responsibility? Can I actually lead the people I have looked up to for so long? Surely there is someone better for the job than me. I'm little Dallin Ward. I'm pretty good at what I do, but this president thing seems kind of new. I'm afraid. What if I'm a let down? What if I'm a flop - a flake? 

I just don't want to hurt anyone. Especially the people I look up to so much. My mentors and peers at WA.

I love them. They are my people. My family. I believe in them. I believe they are the future leaders of the world, the movers and shakers of society. I really believe they are made of exceptional stuff. 

My whole life I've had a habit of discrediting myself. Even to the point of excluding myself from groups that would lift me, but I don't believe I belong in. In some ways, I'm a super timid person. My tenancy, (A tenancy I've had to work really hard to achieve) is to push through through these feelings and get where I know I want to be anyway, even if it's super uncomfortable, so I do tend to get where I want to go, but it doesn't mean I always believe in my ability to do what I'm trying to do while I'm trying to do it. I do my best to quiet these thoughts gently and reassure myself of my ability, and generally I do a good job of that, but it doesn't mean the thoughts cease to speak entirely. 

Lately I've had some real doubts about the SBP elections. I've been unsure of how committed to my campaign my staff really is. If I'm going to win, I *need* a staff who really believes in what they're doing. A staff whose heart is in their work. Which means that my job as a leader is give them something to believe in. Which means that I have to find something to believe in myself. So my doubts about them really all fall back on me. What do I believe in? What is my driving factor?

Well, honestly I believe in you. I believe in WA because I believe it is a school of God. That's why I'm doing this. That's why I'm running for SBP. And I really need to believe in myself before I can really help anyone else. 

You gave me reason to believe. Your parting words yesterday were, "You're going to make a pretty fantastic president." 

Not the most inspiring thing ever said, but the words I heard in my soul are these,

"Keep going, Dallin. You're going to be great. I believe in you."

Now I do too. Thank you so much. Let's go get elected.

Love,

Dallin

I Am Human

For most of my life, I've honestly, really believed that I am different than everyone around me. More and more I'm beginning to realize how false that is.

I am human.

Somehow you are too. And, because we're both human, we both are imperfect. We both are afraid of things and have doubts and trials. You are not as perfect as your facebook profile makes you look. I am not as perfect as mine. You aren't flawless like my mind tends to think of you as. See, I'm an optimist by a long shot. I just plain like to see and bring the best out of people, and that's what I tend to remember. I do not have a tenancy to remember bad things. Because of that, I tend to set a false expectation for myself. I don't hate you, and I'm not jealous that you seem to be perfect, I just want to be like you. So I try. Unfortunately I don't see the lows to your highs. I don't generally get depressed because I'm not living perfectly, because depression is not in my nature. What happens usually is I keep living just like I do, but I shy away from you a little bit, because you're perfect, and unapproachable. But you're not, and I know that. When I don't think about what I'm doing, I forget it. I give in to the fear that because you are living perfectly, I would be bothering you to reach out, so I stay still, because I don't want to bother you. But sometimes I need you, and because I am afraid I don't reach out. 

The crazy thing is that other people view me in this exact same light from time to time. 

Unapproachable. That's one of the things I like least is when people feel like I am unapproachable. It makes me feel like I intimidate people, which to a certain extent I might. I mean, I've got a pretty good reason to. I do a lot of things other people don't, and that scares them. I unashamedly smile and laugh and sing in public, I spoke in all the wards in my stake with a High Councilman when I was 12, I'm homeschooled, I'm intelligent, I'm articulate, I'm a very successful wrestler, I have excellent posture, (Which I have found to be just as, if not more effective to appear strong as any sort of stature can give a person) I go on lots of adventures, I don't hang out with my friends around town very often, I'm not afraid to talk about feelings, and I really, sincerely love all the people around me. It kinda creeps some people out. I'm just not normal. For so long this is what I have told myself, and in return for the isolation I have often felt from others, I have isolated myself. 

Here's something closer to the truth.

I'm not normal. But normal is a relative term anyway. I don't have to be average to connect with the people around me. God made us with the ability to connect simply because we are human, requiring no other reason. I don't have to isolate myself from the world simply because I choose to live differently than most people do. I can still connect, I can still love, I can still serve.

Mostly, I can still be human.

Will you choose to be human too?

A Really Long, Rambling Post With a Really Good Ending

I know something is wrong, but I'm not entirely sure what. I just feel.. Down. There are a lot of things I am terrified of, and I am struggling to figure out how to deal with them.
This post really is going to ramble, so if you don't stick around to read it, I understand. I really do. It might come out jumbled and unfocused, but that's how I feel right now. I'm just trying to get it out of my soul.
For most of my life, I focus on other people. Right now I'm going to focus on myself. Do a bit of a self-evaluation.
I'm terrified to talk with people right now. Even my closest friends. I am so afraid of hurting other people. When I begin a conversation or a friendship, or anything else, really, I commit myself. I'm not a half way in kind of person. It's just the way I've been raised. As a result, I don't really try and be friends with everyone around me, because I psychologically cannot have a deep relationship with everyone I meet. Light, fun relationships with very little commitment don't come naturally to me. Honestly, they are painful. I can see what a beautiful person is in front of me, and I really want to know them and understand them. Be their friend. Serve and love and help them. But I can't do that with everyone I meet. I have a hard time getting out of the perspective that everyone else in the world feels the same way I do about all of this. Clearly, they don't. It really is painful to me to not hear back from someone when I reach out to them, and I try really hard to respond to all the people who reach out to me because I know how much I hate to be ignored myself. But I don't have time or energy to respond to everyone who reaches out. It's not enough for me to have a simple, polite, plastic conversation. It feels fake, and I am not a fake person. So I shy away from speaking with people. Know this, if you're someone who can actually see me when I'm online, you're one of the few, and I want to speak with you. Most of the time I'm either too busy or am talking with someone else. I don't want to sound insensitive. If you can't see me when I'm online, don't think that I don't want to talk with you, because chances are I do. I really love talking with people. But some of the people I want to talk with most are the ones I keep invisible from the most. I can see how wonderful they are, and realize that I don't have time to talk with them, because I'll talk for hours. One of my biggest struggles in life is knowing that I cannot always be there for the people I love. I try so hard to always be available, but I shy away from the people I try to be available for. It's silly, really.
Another thing I'm terrified of is planning out my life and what I'm going to do - even planning the next few days. One thing I understand very well is how quickly things change and new, sometimes very important things come up. As I said earlier, I'm an all out kind of person. I don't like putting a half effort into things, and I definitely do not like failure. Planning is not hard because I hate to plan, I actually really enjoy that part. It's not that I dislike following a plan either - it's a really fulfilling thing to stick to a plan I made myself. The thing that scares me is when things change, and something really important happens. When I make a plan, I tend to be very, very specific about what's going to happen. I begin and feel really accomplished for a couple of days. Then, 3 or 4 days in, something really big happens right in the middle of my plan. My Dad goes to the hospital with a pancreatic attack or there's a massive job needing to be done at the feed store and I have a half hour to be there, or a friend comes to me in incredible desperation, and I can feel how much they hurt, and refuse to turn them away. These are all things which are unavoidable. I absolutely cannot control them, and yet, they intrude on my plans.
Don't get me wrong, I am not a victim here. A victim is the last thing I want to be. I'm just not good at working around faults in my schedule. What usually happens is something like this,
It's 7:00 in the evening, I have homework scheduled. I begin on my homework, and at 7:15 a grain truck rolls in. I get a call, they need help right now. I explain that I've got a plan and am trying to stick to it, but then I feel bad because I know how much my Dad appreciates, and needs the help. I get ready and go to work. I get home at 11:00 or midnight, already far past what I had scheduled as my bedtime. So I figure that a schedule now broken isn't going to get fixed, and hop onto the internet to finish my homework, or chat with a friend. I finally make it to bed about 1:00, or sometimes 2:00 in the morning. That's fine, whatever. I'll push through the next day. Alarm goes off at 5:30. Time to run. Time to wrestle. I get up feeling great and have a great start to the day. By about 11:00 I'm thinking I'll be able to make it through the day without a nap. Noon rolls around and confirms it. 1:00 comes and I get a little sleepy, but believe I can shake it off. 2:00 comes and I'm out like a light, thus missing everything I had planned for 2:00. 3:30 comes and it's time to wrestle again. 6:00 comes and it's time for homework, but it happens to be a Thursday, and I have a tournament in the morning, so I watch film and chat with friends, trying to relax, rationalizing that I can do my homework on the bus to the tourney. Midnight sneaks up on me, and I realize that I've been up for far too long, and need to sleep. 5:30 rolls around, and I've got to be to the school in half an hour, and I know I've not gotten enough sleep. No big deal, I'll sleep on the bus. But I have homework to do on the bus. That's too bad. Wrestling is more important today. I have a great weekend, place high in a tournament, sleep in on Sunday, and entirely forget the homework due on Monday. Then on Monday I feel like a failure, and my schedule falls into a pit of bottled up frustration and rationalization.
This cycle happens over and over in one form or another, and it's actually super refreshing to type out. I know what this beast is. I can handle it. I just need patience, and to keep a clear head with a solution-based mindset. That I can do. Take steps, Dallin. Leaps are rarely sustainable.
I'm afraid of being forgotten. This isn't something anyone else can fix - I have to deal with it on my own. No amount of instant replies or number of messages will fix this problem. Sometimes I just feel forgettable. Most of it is created in my own head via false understandings of social cues, but regardless I still feel it. There are some people, however, who I really do think could forget me. Maybe not intellectually, because I've got a pretty rememberable presence and way of speaking, but spiritually. I want people to remember me by the way I made them feel, not the things they thought about me. Thoughts and perceptions often are very trivial, easily changeable and forgettable. Feelings are undeniable. Especially feelings of inspiration or love. Those are the kinds of feelings I wish to leave. It's a curiosity to me what will happen to my relationships when I leave on my mission. I imagine a lot of them will fade. Maybe some that are important to me. I don't know.
Sometimes I have a false sense of entitlement, and I'm trying really hard to be rid of it. It's stupid and limits my perspective.
I'm also more insecure about my stature and height than I had previously thought. It's fascinating, really. The most interesting part is that I won't fix that insecurity by going to the gym. It just doesn't work that way. I'll fix it best by peace, meditation, and prayer. That's the only lasting solution.
I think that's all I'm going to write today. If you made it this far, congratulations. You just got a tour of a part of my head I'm just beginning to understand myself. Interesting, isn't it? Do you share my fears? Do you understand them? I think, to some extent, you probably do, because you're human. I'm human. That's our uniting factor. That's why I can love you, and you can love me, and we can accept and grow stronger because of our faults. I'm trying really hard to overcome fear, and really be vulnerable with myself and you. It's scary, but the power it brings is immense. If just two of us, just you and I can learn to be happily vulnerable, and really accept and love each other, maybe we can teach a third. And a fourth. Maybe they can teach a fifth. It is often assumed that vulnerability is a state of sorrow and crying and so forth, but I'm here to tell you that such a thought is false! Vulnerability in it's pure form is the most exhilarating, joyful, pleasant emotion I've ever felt. Why?
Because I can be real in vulnerability. I can be honest. I can be myself in all the glory God created me to be.
So can you.

Today I Watched Schindler's List

Today I watched Schindler's List. Before watching, I debated back and forth about it. I did some research, prayed, talked with my Dad, etc. I really was conflicted. How could I not be when the IMDb rating is R for things like those on this list?

This rating system makes the movie seem so evil. So graphic and vulgar.
Well, to be honest, it is.

I watched Schindler's List to gain a historical perspective on the Holocaust. It gave me that and so much more. Here are some things I learned:
1) There was more to the Holocaust than the gas chambers. There were a lot of unseen things, and a lot of things going on in the background.
2) The human spirit can become so dulled so as to see no life in the people around it. Only numbers, orders, and obstacles. This is a real problem when the numbed man is holding a gun and giving the orders. Principled leaders are important.
3) The way a film is written, (Along with the camera angles and filters on film and such) may change the meaning of the film drastically. A scene which would normally be seductive and vile to watch becomes a fact of the movie. Still wrong, but not made for the pleasure of the viewer - rather for the telling of the story.
4) Sometimes to tell a story, it's necessary to say the bad things. As much as we try to ignore them, and as easy as it is in the modern age, bad things happen. Auschwitz is a thing of the past, but genocide isn't. Planned Parenthood kills millions of children. Christians in the Middle East are being massacred. We can ignore the bad things all we want, but the first step to change is recognition. If we never recognize the problems we have, they will never go away.
5) Humanity never goes away. During the darkest times and most vile moments, there is someone somewhere doing something good. A prisoner who smiles holds life in his heart. It is when we begin to see the humanity in other people that we really learn to be human ourselves.
6) Money is a powerful tool. Use it wisely and you will be a great benefit to your fellow man. Use it poorly, and you can lose your soul. Choose ye this day whom ye will serve.
7) Out of the depths of the greatest struggle come the greatest joys. Embrace the struggle. Let life flow through you, do not try to fight it for some bias of normality. Really bad things happen all the time to normal people, and tomorrow they may happen to you or I. Maybe not. But if you live every day after such an event trying to pretend like everything is normal, you will never grow. If you live every day bracing for such an event, you will never be happy. Remember, the first step to solving any problem is recognizing it. Accept today for what it is, and move forward. That is when you will shine.

A word about the girl in the red coat:
Schindler's List is a movie done entirely in black and white. At one point in the film, one girl is shown with a red coat on among all the black and white. She hides from the Nazis, and we don't find out what happens to her. Later, her decomposing body is seen on a wheelbarrow, the red coat still covering her. She is incinerated with the rest of the bodies. It gives a stark reminder that the people were individuals. This girl was an individual. She had a home and a family. Hopes about life and the future. Secrets and stories and questions. The Nazis killed her just as indiscriminately as they did any other individual. The making of the movie in black and white was a brilliant move in the fact that it showed the numbed perspective of the Nazis. All was the same. Nothing and nobody was different.
So the question that must be asked today is this.
What is my perspective of man? Do I see in color?
Do you?

If you can watch Schindler's List, I highly recommend it. Watch it for the humanity, not the darkness. There is darkness everywhere, and if we don't learn to recognize it, we may become a part of it.
Don't become a part of the darkness.
Be loving,
Be honest,
Be human. 

Love,
Dallin

Apathy is a soul killer.

The Time We Touched

"Goodbyes are hard, and we're going to miss each other, but we'll all have one thing. We'll all remember that time, that moment when it was real, and we were really, physically here. That time we touched."
Nando told me this as I got in my car to drive away from my friends after Elevation not knowing whether or not I would return or ever see them again. It's not an exact quote, but the feeling resides in my heart. The time we touched. It really sums up my feelings about the entire trip. That time we were there and things were real. The adventure, the laughter, the pain and the tensions, the small moments where everything was nice and peaceful. I may not remember the details forever, but the feeling will remain in my heart.
Love.
I love my friends. I love everybody, to be honest. There really isn't anybody who I really hate. But the people who I will remember. The ones who will remain in my heart are these ones.

So to these people, my family away from family:
I love you. Thank you for being a part of my life. Chances are we will never be like this together ever again. Oh well. So is life. Thank you for living it up with me. The adventure was real. May the Lord bless you in all your efforts, and may we meet again is my prayer. Peace be unto you.
Best Wishes,
Dallin

The Power of My Soul

I love the feeling of the raw power of my soul. It's been a while since I've felt that. I miss it. To utilize the whole power of one's soul is to harness the full extent of creation. Right now I don't feel like I'm doing that. Let me tell you about my soul.
My soul is amazing. It's origins are of God. It was created intentionally and with care. It loves and is loved. It's power is astonishing. Most of the time it sits in peace and love. It likes to chill and feel the world all around it. It doesn't really like computers. They take the focus from the world and confine it to a screen. It loves to be free. To speak and act in the power and for the glory of God. It loves people. It loves to inspire and be inspired. It loves to learn. It loves all things to do with God. It loves the Earth, and all majestic things. Mountains and campfires and stars are it's jam. It craves challenge and competition, but dislikes pride. All the glory be to God and His Son is it's opinion. It cries with the sorrowful and comforts the lonely. It is whole, it is honest, it is mighty.
The problem is that I don't always do what my soul calls me to do. It calls me to do mighty things, and sometimes I feel so little. Sometimes it calls me to something, and I absolutely know I am capable of doing that thing, but I consciously choose to turn down the call to greater life because of the difficulty of said task. My soul accepts that, but is not okay with it, and before long there is another great task to answer to. It's relentless. I love it. But it still makes me feel small sometimes, because when I do not finish what I set out to do, I feel weak. Feeling weak isn't really the problem though, because I can deal with weakness. It's when I feel incapable that I struggle. But my soul is right there, pushing me on, telling me I cannot quit, relentlessly and mercilessly forging me into the metaphorical diamond God wants me to become. So.. I learned to not tell my soul no, but instead keep my mind so preoccupied with other things so as to drown out the sound of my soul. And thus... My soul stopped talking. And with the departure of the relentless, conscious voice came the departure of it's conscious power.
Living a life fully conscious of what one is doing is important. Passive, unconscious action is so feeble in comparison to the power of focused, conscious, determined action. Action needs to be meaningful. It needs to have a purpose. Thus we come to a conclusion.
If I want to live life with the whole power of my soul behind my every action, I need to live accordingly. I need to do soul enlarging things. I need to serve. I need to meditate. I need to learn. I need to adventure. I need to journal. I need to be with inspiring people. I need to consciously choose to listen to my soul. I need to choose to overcome all challenges. I need to learn to apply myself to things which I find boring, and learn to make them interesting. I need to love. I need to pray. I need to consciously practice leadership and all it's virtues. I need to consciously study and make the effort to live God's word. I need to live intentionally.
Maybe most of all, I need to remember that it's okay to fail sometimes, but that failure is not a good excuse to quit. It is never okay to settle with mediocrity. Rise up, become great, and try again.
May God be with me as I strive to live consciously with the whole power of my soul, and may He guide you in your journey to the same end.
Love,
Dallin

Forgotten Greatness

In the business of day to day life, I had forgotten my greatness. I had forgotten that I was meant to change the world. But now I remember, and I can see it. It's astonishing. I am astonishing.
Life is all about belief, my friends.

I believe.

A Humble Win, or a Beautiful Loss

I have thought a lot about the pain I put upon my wrestling opponents when I defeat them.
What makes me any greater than them that I should be the one to win? They sweat and slave and work just like I do. Who am I to take all those hopes and dreams and kill them?
Another thought that has occurred to me is that maybe God wants my opponent to win to teach them something. Maybe teach them that hard work pays off. Maybe He's trying to teach me that I need to work harder.
Who am I to be greater?
These, and many similar thoughts, I have fought with for years.
Today I found the answer.
Thinking back on the last two state tournaments I realize that even though being a two time runner up is difficult, it is absolutely one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I have grown and developed so much, and in ways I probably wouldn't have had I won.
In our backwards, confused, glory seeking world people think you've gained the great prize when you win. The thing people miss oftentimes is the the beauty in taking a loss and running with it. With that in mind, there is a wrong way to lose. The wrong way to lose is to give up. The beauty in a loss comes with the perspective, motivation, and wisdom a person can gain from it if they choose to accept what they cannot change and move on.
So, all that said.
Who am I to deprive another person of the chance to improve and develop their character?
Who am I to give someone something they don't deserve?
Who am I to not put my full and entire being into the matches I wrestle?
The person God made me to be is not for those things.
He made me to be great. Incredible. He made me to beautifully lose and humbly win, and to give my entire being to the journey.
He made me to become as He is, and He is perfect.
I am not perfect. I am not free of sin. I make mistakes on the mat and off the mat. That's okay. I am improving.
I want to win state this year more than I've ever wanted anything in my life.
As I work for this title, may God guide me to a humble win or a beautiful loss, and may my opponents be guided as well.
Peace be unto them.