Enjoying Where I'm At

The past week has been such an interesting week for me. So many awesome and incredible things have happened. :D I went on two dates, worked a full week at the feed store, got called to be a temple worker, had stake conference, read Donald Miller's book Scary Close twice because I liked it so well, finally got my Eagle paperwork wrapped up, began planning for a date, (A BIG date with lots of people) which I am quite happy about, and had stake conference. I could talk about all of these things and each one I would have something to say about, (I usually do have something to say. ;) ) and I don't think I'm going to talk about any of them specifically. Instead, I'm going to talk about what I've learned through these things because this is really important to me.

This week I learned that I would do well to stop and enjoy what I'm doing more. I've learned that so often I become so focused on where I'm going and how to get there that I forget to enjoy where I'm at right now. Especially in my relationships with my friends. Especially my relationships with my close friends. The people who I'm close to I generally have a purpose and vision for in my head, and I know where I want that relationship to go. Sometimes I feel really manipulative about that. I felt like that a lot this weekend. I began to doubt whether or not I could actually have real relationships with people, and I began to believe that all I did was manipulate people for a twisted sense of power. I began to feel really selfish, and even wondered if I was good for the world at all. I wondered if I could actually be real with people instead of just acting, and if I ever took off the mask and let people see me for who I am.
I definitely didn't think I was brave enough to let people see me.
Honestly, I got pretty far away from my post last week about obeying and not fearing. I was really deep into fear and shame. I allowed myself to believe that I wasn't even worthy of love.

I'm really fascinated with the way Christ felt sorrow. I think there is a lot more there than I understand yet. He felt such deep sorrow as the world has never felt before, and all of it He felt without doubt and without fear. I guess what this means is that his faith in His Father was unconditional. It had no conditions of being for Him to feel it. It was regardless of anything else. Unconditional faith. I want to be like that. What are my conditions for faith? Do I put conditions that I expect God to meet for me to believe in Him?

Okay. Back to where I was trying to go before I got distracted. Enjoying where I'm at.
I've noticed this particularly with one friendship of mine. Honestly, it may be the best friendship that I have. And yet I so often feel so displeased with myself and with this friendship, and I become so confused as to why this is. When I'm uncertain of something and I'm not dealing with it well, I generally have one of two reactions, neither of which have anything to do with reveling in the uncertainty. I either shut down firmly or I do something hasty to try and get a quick fix to the perceived problem. When I do deal with the uncertainty well, I find joy in it and look forward to finding creative solutions to difficult problems. The apostle James talks about this, and I think what he says is really wise. He says,

"My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into many afflictions; knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing."

I think what he's trying to tell me really is this: it's okay to be where you are, even if where you are is not what you had in mind. Rejoice in the fact that you have the ability to overcome! In time and with patient effort, everything will work out. I promise.

I like the Bible. It says some really important things, and they help me a lot.

Today I am going to make an effort to slow down and rejoice in the things which have gone so beautifully in my life. Things like this flower. This comes from a beautiful day in my life. What a wonderful life it is. :)
Thank you, Father!