Awkward and Imperfect

Today I'm realizing something that I think is really important. I do really awkward things, and I feel awkward a lot. Weird.
This is a new development for me. Not the awkwardness, but the realization of it. I've been told bunches of times that I'm an awkward person, but I never had realized how unokay I've been with this. I realize how angry I've become at the thought of it.
Me. Awkward? Never.
Somewhere I learned to believe that to act awkwardly is to be unloved.
Somewhere I learned to believe that to feel awkwardly is to be unloved.
Somewhere I learned to believe that I am not worth loving when seen as awkward.
So I've tried to hide it.

Another development which I've observed recently is the habit of becoming angry when I'm not perfect, or when other people bring up my imperfections. This is a habit that I think is particularly damaging. Those people who I have observed with this trait are not very much fun to be around, and they seem to spend most of their time in deep self-analysis trying to make sure that everything they do is perfect. The problem I see is that I've yet to observe one of those people who actually got there that way. They spend most of their time being bitter and miserable about the fact that they're not perfect.
Am I becoming this kind of person?
I've certainly spent a lot of time feeling angry and tense lately. Is this why?

Christ said that all those who are struggling and feel weighed down should come to Him, and He will give them rest. I like the sound of that. Carrying all of this perfection around with me all the time is really a chore, and I think it's unnecessary. While God did say that no unclean thing can enter into His kingdom, He also created a Savior for mankind because He knew that we wouldn't make it there unspotted, and He wants us to make it back to Him. He really wants us to come home.

As much as I hate to say it, I am going to sin today.
I'm going to sin tomorrow too.
And the next day.

I don't like those thoughts. Not at all. I don't like being imperfect. In fact, I really hate it quite a lot. I just want to be a perfect man so that I can do all the perfect things and help all of the people in the perfect way. I really do want to help people. I just feel like I am so incapable because of my imperfections.

Somewhere else I learned to believe that if I'm not perfect, I'm not worthy of love. What a lie.
Lucifer, you scoundrel. Get out of my life. I don't want you here, and I'm SO TIRED OF YOUR LIES. I'M SO TIRED OF YOU TELLING ME SUCH BLATANTLY FALSE THINGS. GO. AWAY.

I'm so tired of believing those things. :-/

I could tell the truth about this here. I could write another feel good post about how the Savior loves me and I could do a massive transformation and turn-around in thought like I've done in a hundred other posts. It could seem triumphant and like I've finally overcome some deep dark challenge in my soul, and it could come off as a really impressive post. I'm not sure that it would do me any good though, because I need to do more than feel good. I need to actually change. More than knowing that He loves me, I need to trust Him that He can actually do what He says He can do. I need to trust Him that He actually can redeem me, and that I am loved and worth loving any way I go.

I feel like I'm climbing and Christ is my belayer. He's looking up at me and yelling, "KEEP GOING, YOU'RE DOING GREAT!" And I'm looking back down at Him and saying, "HI JESUS! I KNOW THAT YOU'RE BELAYING ME, BUT I DON'T ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN CATCH ME! I LOVE YOU!"

I wonder how Jesus handled awkward situations. Did He have them? Maybe a better question is, what is awkwardness?
For me, awkwardness has been translated into a fear of being unloved. I think this is why I studder in my speech and am hesitant in my action. I think it's because I'm afraid that if I mess up I will not be loved. Is that really a true belief? No. Of course not. To be awkward is to be awkward and to be unloved is to be unloved. They are not the same. I want to learn to know the difference.

Jesus, believing in You is really hard for me sometimes. I really struggle to trust You. Please help me to do better. I want to do better. I want to let you carry the burden of perfectionism for me, because I cannot do it alone. I do not want to feel inadequate anymore. I want to feel of your grace and love for me. I know it is there, and I'm trying to believe. Please help me.

Love,
Dallin