You Are a Symbol - An Open Letter to Marco Rubio

Senator Rubio,
Last night during the debate you spoke about why you are still in the race. You said,

"Let me tell you what this election is about for me, and I get all the delegate math and all the debate, let me tell you what it's about for me. On Tuesday night, I didn't do as well obviously as I wanted to, and I was a little bit disappointed when I got home. And my wife told me a story that night, which is the reason why I can get up the next day and keep fighting. There's a gentleman here in south Florida who just got out of surgery, and his doctors told him he needs to be home resting. But every afternoon he takes his little aluminum chair and he sits outside of an early polling center and holds a sign that says, 'Marco Rubio' because for him I symbolize all the sacrifices that his generation made so their children could have a better life than themselves. That gentleman has not given up on me, and I am not going to give up on him. I am going to work tirelessly every single day because this election is too important. What's at stake is the future of this country, and I believe that at the end of this process this nation will make the right choice, because I've always believed that God has blessed America, that God's hand is upon this country, and that it's greatest days are yet to come."

Marco, that's brilliant! I applaud you on that quote, and the fact that you are such a symbol for people in America is outstanding; it comes with great responsibility.

Last night I was inspired by your words. I rewound and listened to it again so that I could really feel the power of your words. You really are a powerful speaker. This morning, as I thought about the debate and especially about this segment, the thought occurred to me, "Senator Rubio isn't going to give up on this man, but is he going to give up on me?"
I'll be honest with you, Marco, I'm a Cruz supporter, but I really like you as a human being. I believe that you're a smart man, a good man, and most importantly a God fearing man. For a while now I've hoped that you would get out of the race and support Cruz, because I see that as the most viable way to beat Trump, and I believe that beating Trump is very important for the freedom of the US. I believe that a Cruz-Rubio ticket would be incredibly powerful.
Senator, there are a lot of things I don't know, and I don't profess to have all the answers. I'm only 18 years old, and I just voted for the first time. I don't know why you're not dropping out. Some accuse you of being bitter, proud, and selfish. That might be true, but I don't think it is. I believe that you kneel down and pour your soul out to God every morning and every night. I believe that you knelt down in agony on Tuesday night and pleaded with God to know why you aren't succeeding. I believe that you are a man of God, and I cannot receive revelation from God for you. If God is telling you to stay in the race, by all means, do it!
I would like to pose a few questions that I don't profess to know the answers to, but that I believe you would do well to consider carefully.

1) Is staying in the race the best way for you to be that symbol of sacrifice for the next generation?

2) Are you really giving up on that man by dropping out of the race and supporting another God fearing candidate?

3) In turn, are you giving up on me by staying in the race and taking votes away from Cruz?

I wish you the best, man. I really do. May the Lord bless in you all things.

Respectfully,
Dallin Ward

More Like Love

My dear friend,
I hope you've had a beautiful day. I really do.
Today I feel hurt. I feel broken and helpless. I've given so much and expended so much energy, and now I just feel tired. There is so much going on. Let's talk about it for a minute or two.
Since I was a small child I wanted to be a state champion wrestler. That was one of my great goals. I worked and sweat and bled and cried for it. I dreamed about it and talked to almost everyone who would listen. I studied and prayed and thought about it for years. I bought books and videos and even a mat for my basement. Anything I could think of to try and be better. Wrestling camps and early morning practices, meditation, yoga, etc. The list goes on. I even learned how to do a backflip after a coach told me to.
This year was my senior year - my last go. I never had won it yet. Twice I had taken 2nd, and once 3rd, but never won. Long story short, I took second - again. I never ever will be a state champion wrestler.
Oh the anguish of that statement!
Oh Lord, my soul cried. Please help me! I hurt so badly and I do not know what to do. 
Why, Lord? Why must I lose again? I just wanted to be a state champion. Just once. 
I just wanted to be successful. I wanted to be able to look my children in the eyes and one day tell them about the time that daddy won state. Tell them about the struggle and the pain and eventual triumph. I wanted to have a good story to tell. I wanted to win so that I could know what it was like. I wanted to win for my coaches. I wanted to win for my friends who came to watch. I wanted to wrestle and to win for God and for His glory. 

I fought this. I tried to tell myself that God has a plan and that I have to be patient and everything will work out. Not just this year, but in years past. The solution to the pain was always, "There is still next year. Keep training, keep working hard. You'll make it." 

I didn't make it.

And this year I have no next year. I have to deal with this pain or let it fester in my soul. 

Tonight I had a conversation with a friend who I've really wanted to talk with for a while, and I worked hard today so that I would have time to talk tonight. I wanted to talk about so many things, and state maybe as one of them. But I didn't get the feelings to come. Initially I felt great. I had just gotten some great things done, I felt awesome. But not long in, I just began to feel blank. Numb. Nothing. I didn't feel like I was putting my heart in the conversation, and I didn't know how to put it in. 

I just hurt. A lot. And I don't know how to deal with it. I want to cry but I don't really know how. I'm not very good at it. It doesn't seem to solve my problems. I wanted to open my heart and give voice to all my feelings, but I froze up, and didn't speak. 

Oh Lord, I hurt so much. I don't know what to do. I'm tired of trying to live by my own wisdom. I'm tired of trying to explain all the things that happen. Please help me to be more like You.

I submit myself to you. I give up. I'm a broken man. 

Please heal me. 

Carry my burdens, and guide me in the path that You want me to go. I give myself up to you. 

I cannot be whole without you in my life.

Ben Rector sings a song that describes how I feel tonight. He says, 

I used to think I wanted to be famous
I'd be recognized out in a crowd
But the funny thing is anytime I've gotten what I want
It lets me down 

But now I just wanna look more like love
I just wanna look more like love
This whole world is spinning crazy
And I can't quite keep up
It's the one thing around here
That we don't have quite enough of
So I just wanna look a little more
Like love 

I used to think I needed all the answers
I used to need to know that I was right
I used to be afraid of things I couldn't cover up
In black and white 

But I just wanna look more like love
I just wanna look more like love
This whole world is spinning crazy
And I can't quite keep up
It's the one thing around here
That we don't have quite enough of
So I just wanna look a little more
Like love

I find the farther that I climb
There's always another line
Of mountain tops
It's never going to stop
And the more of anything I do
The thing that always ends up true
Is getting what I want
Will never be enough 

So I just wanna look more like love
I just wanna look more like love
This whole world is spinning crazy
I can't quite keep up
It's the one thing around here
That we don't have quite enough of
So I just wanna look a little more
Like love
Like love

Before my state finals match I was talking with God about love. I was asking Him to teach me more about love. For so long the Devil has lied to me and tried to tell me that love is weak. I know that is false. Love is strong, for God is love. I asked Him to teach me how to be strong in love. Teach me how to love my opponent while I wrestle, and love what I'm doing, and be stronger because of it.

I don't know why I lost that match. So many things were going well for me to win it.
So be it.
I trust you, Lord. Show me the way. Please help me to be whole.
Love,
Dallin

I Love God

I love God. So very much. ^_^ And basically everything else about life. He set it up so well, and I've found that as I really reach and really try to be the man He wants be to be, I become that man. Even when I'm not feeling it. Even on the days when my prayers feel insincere and hollow, and I feel alone and empty, He is there. His plan for all men to be saved baffles me with its brilliance. It really does. I look at it and the way it is constructed for the edification and development of all man, and I marvel. I love it all.
God has done so many good things for you and I. Have you ever though about all the good things He has done? First, he created life. Life emerged out of a universe of unorganized matter. Elements floating in space which cannot become more on their own. He organized them. He put the universe together like a child with the world's greatest box of leggos. Can you imagine that? I bet God was EXCITED. I picture Him having a great vision of how He wanted things to be, and then working so hard to get there, and when the seventh day came and all was done, I imagine him standing back and just smiling. Grinning ear to ear, because He knew that what He created was good. It says so in the Bible that He at least examined it when He was finished, and, "Saw that it was good." And He did more than that. :D
God not only created the cosmos and the humans, but He stayed with them, and is still with them. Tending them, propping them up, building them. He's the ultimate gardener, and we are raised by His hand. He sent us here with a great Plan of Salvation, that we may return to live with Him someday. All men may return. He doesn't have favorites. He loves every member of ISIS just as much as He loves the active Christian, and at times He weeps at the actions of both groups of people. See, at root we humans are not very much different. At root we all want to be loved and we all want to be happy. That's what we call the Light of Christ, and it is in all men. God put it there on purpose. Some people choose to stifle and kill that light. ISIS seems to me a fitting example of men who choose to be the destroyers. Others choose to grow that light, and seek to become better human beings. It's all their choice, and that's the brilliance of the whole matter. That's God doing His job well. All men absolutely have a choice to do whatever they want to do with their lives. God has never and will never take any agency from any man. If He did He would cease to be God.
He will never make your decisions for you, but He will certainly aid you in the ones you to make.
He will seldom, if ever, remove you from the trials that you face, but He will teach you how to rise to meet them.
He will always love you, and aid you in any way that He can, but you have to let Him into your heart, and you have to work hard for what you want. That's agency, and that's true love, and I promise if you'll just try it - just give it some time and effort and really work at it for a while, you will come to know the wisdom in His plan. It's pure genius. All of it.
Check it out sometime, yeah? :D
All the Love I've Got,
Dallin

When I grow up, I want to sing in the car with my wife as loudly or softly as we please, and I want to laugh with her. I want to be really joyful with her. I want to learn the harmonies and sing the songs and find the happiness. I want to feel alive with her.

A Step In The Right Direction

Little. I feel so small. 
Like I'm drowning in my own soul.
I don't feel the belief in myself that radiated so strongly in me at the beginning of the semester.
I don't like feeling like this. I like to feel strong. I like to feel confident. Today I feel neither of those things.
And I know that I am strong. I know that I am confident. But I don't feel it. It's not just a mental thing. I feel it physically too. I feel weak. It's not true. I'm stronger than ever. I did 27 pullups in a row the other day. 260 pushups in 10 minutes. Squated 285 pounds. I am strong. But I don't feel it.
I feel isolated. Cold. Separated. It's interesting. I don't feel alone. I know there are people around me and people who love me. I feel their love. But I'm not sure that I love myself. Or rather, I'm not sure that I love my actions, which I sometimes use to define myself. I do love myself.
My actions aren't bad. I haven't committed any great sins or anything. I really act in an overwhelmingly good way most of the time. I just feel stagnant. Like the devil has got a hold of me and it's sixes. I'm not moving, and neither is he.
It's good to express this feeling. Contrary to my original thought, it makes me a little bit happy to write this down. I feel like I'm lifting a weight off of my soul. But I know it won't stay away for long. It's like throwing a boulder up in the air, giving me a moment of relief followed by the crushing forces of its return.
I want so much to feel good. But I don't. I feel tired.
I don't feel like I can do anything great today. But I can do something.
Today I am going to put away my laundry.
Tomorrow I am going to commit to something else, and I'm going to do it.
Though it takes moving an inch at a time and pulling against the devil every step of the way, I'm going to break this. I can do this. I am strong, I am patient, and I am a child of God. 

The 60 Day Challenge: Day 12

Right now I feel angry. It's the type of feeling that makes me want to go run and punch and kick and exude all my energy until there is none left. I feel like I want to destroy something. But I know that's not right. The will to destroy out of anger is always wrong. It's my ego trying to make me validate my poor choices through its will. But I won't.
Ego, you are of the devil, and I am of God. You and I are not the same. That's a big statement. Today I made mistakes. Today I allowed myself to be angry at things beyond my control, and things that are not my fault, though I view them as mine. Today I allowed myself to be pulled into the nothingness you would have me live. I'm all about unity and the oneness of humankind, but with you I am not willing to be one. You are not me. We are not the same. We are different.
I am Virtuous.
I am Knowledgeable.
I am Temperate.
I am Patient.
I am Kind.
I am of God.
I am Charitable.
I am Humble.
I am Diligent.
My name is Dallin Ward, and I am a son of God. I love Him. I have the opportunity to come to this Earth and grow and become better. My mission is to become like Christ, even unto perfection. I will succeed. The devil can only hold me as long as I fear him, and I fear him less all the time. I am growing stronger. The devil will only fail. His strength is entirely a facade. There is nothing true, honest, strong, or good about him. He is the purposeful rejection of light. I choose light.
Today I feel like I failed. I feel like I didn't have a particularly good day yesterday either. Tomorrow I may not have a particularly good day. I don't know yet. But I BELIEVE. I believe it will be. If it's not, and if the week after it isn't, and if the year and year after that isn't, I will never lose my faith that I will overcome. I believe in Christ. He is my savior, my redeemer, my friend. He will help me overcome.
Another day begins soon. Here we go.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irX0E4-mc9U

The 60 Day Challenge: Day 11

Today I struggled to keep on my schedule. That seems to be a theme this week, and I need to improve on that. I got up on time and everything, I just didn't follow my schedule. Good day though. I got to go up and do a little bit of wrestling, and that made it even better. I think I'm still lagging from Tuesday and no sleep for Wednesday.
I could have finished today in a lot better of a way. I had the opportunity to finish it well and I didn't. I would do well to do better at that.
I feel discouraged tonight, but I can do better tomorrow. I can still get to bed on time, but I think I'll sleep in an hour tomorrow morning. Maybe two. I need some sleep.