A Step In The Right Direction

Little. I feel so small. 
Like I'm drowning in my own soul.
I don't feel the belief in myself that radiated so strongly in me at the beginning of the semester.
I don't like feeling like this. I like to feel strong. I like to feel confident. Today I feel neither of those things.
And I know that I am strong. I know that I am confident. But I don't feel it. It's not just a mental thing. I feel it physically too. I feel weak. It's not true. I'm stronger than ever. I did 27 pullups in a row the other day. 260 pushups in 10 minutes. Squated 285 pounds. I am strong. But I don't feel it.
I feel isolated. Cold. Separated. It's interesting. I don't feel alone. I know there are people around me and people who love me. I feel their love. But I'm not sure that I love myself. Or rather, I'm not sure that I love my actions, which I sometimes use to define myself. I do love myself.
My actions aren't bad. I haven't committed any great sins or anything. I really act in an overwhelmingly good way most of the time. I just feel stagnant. Like the devil has got a hold of me and it's sixes. I'm not moving, and neither is he.
It's good to express this feeling. Contrary to my original thought, it makes me a little bit happy to write this down. I feel like I'm lifting a weight off of my soul. But I know it won't stay away for long. It's like throwing a boulder up in the air, giving me a moment of relief followed by the crushing forces of its return.
I want so much to feel good. But I don't. I feel tired.
I don't feel like I can do anything great today. But I can do something.
Today I am going to put away my laundry.
Tomorrow I am going to commit to something else, and I'm going to do it.
Though it takes moving an inch at a time and pulling against the devil every step of the way, I'm going to break this. I can do this. I am strong, I am patient, and I am a child of God. 

The 60 Day Challenge: Day 12

Right now I feel angry. It's the type of feeling that makes me want to go run and punch and kick and exude all my energy until there is none left. I feel like I want to destroy something. But I know that's not right. The will to destroy out of anger is always wrong. It's my ego trying to make me validate my poor choices through its will. But I won't.
Ego, you are of the devil, and I am of God. You and I are not the same. That's a big statement. Today I made mistakes. Today I allowed myself to be angry at things beyond my control, and things that are not my fault, though I view them as mine. Today I allowed myself to be pulled into the nothingness you would have me live. I'm all about unity and the oneness of humankind, but with you I am not willing to be one. You are not me. We are not the same. We are different.
I am Virtuous.
I am Knowledgeable.
I am Temperate.
I am Patient.
I am Kind.
I am of God.
I am Charitable.
I am Humble.
I am Diligent.
My name is Dallin Ward, and I am a son of God. I love Him. I have the opportunity to come to this Earth and grow and become better. My mission is to become like Christ, even unto perfection. I will succeed. The devil can only hold me as long as I fear him, and I fear him less all the time. I am growing stronger. The devil will only fail. His strength is entirely a facade. There is nothing true, honest, strong, or good about him. He is the purposeful rejection of light. I choose light.
Today I feel like I failed. I feel like I didn't have a particularly good day yesterday either. Tomorrow I may not have a particularly good day. I don't know yet. But I BELIEVE. I believe it will be. If it's not, and if the week after it isn't, and if the year and year after that isn't, I will never lose my faith that I will overcome. I believe in Christ. He is my savior, my redeemer, my friend. He will help me overcome.
Another day begins soon. Here we go.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irX0E4-mc9U

The 60 Day Challenge: Day 11

Today I struggled to keep on my schedule. That seems to be a theme this week, and I need to improve on that. I got up on time and everything, I just didn't follow my schedule. Good day though. I got to go up and do a little bit of wrestling, and that made it even better. I think I'm still lagging from Tuesday and no sleep for Wednesday.
I could have finished today in a lot better of a way. I had the opportunity to finish it well and I didn't. I would do well to do better at that.
I feel discouraged tonight, but I can do better tomorrow. I can still get to bed on time, but I think I'll sleep in an hour tomorrow morning. Maybe two. I need some sleep.

The 60 Day Challenge: Days 9 and 10

To be fair to myself, these days really are not separate memories. They're the same day to me. I hardly remember a lot of it. I've only slept about an hour in the last 48. (As of last night, when this post was supposed to have been posted. ;) )
The vlog for end of day 9 / beginning of day 10:

To clarify, I really didn't sleep at all night of day 9. Up from 8:00 to 6:45 working on the trebuchet. I was so close to finishing. If only I could get that silly cable to hold. It snapped twice. At about 7:20 I decided that a bath was in good order. It would relax me, and maybe help get some of the black out of my hands that wouldn't come out. Well, I fell asleep in the bathtub for a about 40 minutes. I didn't get all the gunk out of my hands, but I did get a little bit of sleep. ;)

Day 10 was a good day. It could have been otherwise, but I chose to make it good. I was late for, and fell asleep for part of seminary, but stayed awake for an amount which was surprising to me. Physics was next, and the group that I was (kind of) with had built another trebuchet. I wasn't allowed to get credit with theirs because I didn't help build it, but my teacher, (Mr. Pope) said that I could still get credit for finishing mine, it would just be late.
I skipped Political Lit so that I could get the reading done for World Civ, and I had a difficult time staying awake to read. I would look at the screen, read a paragraph, begin to think that I was going to stay awake to read more, and then wake up 30 seconds later wondering what had happened. I fell asleep while logging in to class, and ended up 7 minutes late. I began the login 5 minutes early. Whoops. xD The worst part is that I'm class president in that class. Then, the entire class, I would just begin to think that I was really paying attention, and I'd fall asleep again. Pro tip for staying awake in class: don't pull allnighters.
Then I had advanced conditioning. It was a difficult class. I told my friend Sadie that I had only had 40 minutes of sleep, and she told me I shouldn't have come to class. xD Oh well. I got through it. I'm curious exactly how much the lack of sleep made my body drag. I'd like to do that workout again to see. Don't tell the people in my class that I want to do it again. ;) It was a punishment workout. Apparently the class treated the substitute poorly on Monday. I don't know. Wasn't there.
Then I came home to a SBP meeting, which was excellent. More than excellent. I love my team. :D
After that I tried to plan the rest of my evening to get something productive done, but then the drag really hit, and I couldn't think straight enough to walk straight, not to mention do homework. So I took a shower and swept the floor and read my scriptures and went to bed about 8:00. Now it's day 11, and I'm sitting on 9 hours of sleep and feel great. It's a good day! Praise the Lord! :D


Scriptures I read / listened to today:
'Meeting the Challenges of Today's World' by Elder Robert D. Hales

People I researched today:
Jane Edward Davies (KWVC-4PY) (You're welcome to do some research on her if you'd like to. :) I'm having trouble finding her parents.)

The 60 Day Challenge: Day 8

Okay, I've got 4 minutes to wrap this up and be in the shower, but I'll do what I can.
Today was a good day. I woke up at 4:00 instead of 5:00 because I forgot daylight savings. Whoops. xD It was nice to have an extra hour in the morning though. I had a strong cup of ginger tea with a big spoonful of honey, and it was tasty. I'm still not over the sickness I had all weekend, which is really a bummer, because my throat hurts a lot, and I don't like that. The mucus has mostly gone away which I am SO THANKFUL FOR, but it seems to be coming back tonight. We'll see what happens.
Because I don't want to get other people sick with this nastiness, I skipped school today, which actually ended up working to my advantage because I spent most of the day working on my trebuchet for physics, which is due tomorrow. I'm getting close. It's so much fun. ^_^ I'll post pictures of it later if I remember. I'd really like to.
Other than that, I took the deer, (All 3 of them) to the butcher today, caught a knuckle on my left hand with the grinder, (It's not bad) put up flags for the scout fundraiser, ate food, (painfully) and had a really good day. I've got to go now. Have a wonderful evening. ^_^

A thought to end the day with,
The interesting thing about mirrors is that we seldom look into them to gain our own perspective, but rather to gain the perspective of other people about our own appearance. Maybe it's more relevant to see what we think of ourselves.

P.S. 1 Peter: 3 is an excellent chapter of scripture and I recommend it highly.

The 60 Day Challenge, Days 1-7

It's hard to believe that I started this 7 days ago. Time is moving so quickly.

Overall it's been a week full of ups and downs. I've broken a lot of commitments and wasted a lot of time. Haven't slept when I'm supposed to. Haven't practiced the piano like I'm supposed to. Haven't really done anything *when* I was supposed to do it outside of scheduled classes. Until Friday my schedule was been in shambles. Still working on the weekends.

Let's back up and talk about what this challenge is for a moment so that the reader actually knows what I'm doing.
The 60 day challenge is a challenge I created for myself to help me live a happier and more fulfilling life. Here are the things it entails:

1. Going to bed at 9:00 pm and waking up at 5:00 am every day, including Sundays.
   This is really important. I need to get consistent sleep if I want to be productive, efficient, and focused. And happy. :D
2. Beginning and finishing every day with quality prayer, meditation, and scripture study. This is the balm for my soul to begin and end every day with. This challenge is hard, and that's all there is to it. I don't have a lot of time to talk with and be with friends, and that is really difficult for me. I am fueled by connection. To miss out on it is painful for me. My friends are so important. 
3. Doing family history every day, at very least a few minutes worth. I have about 20 minutes scheduled. 
   I have a calling in the church as Family History Consultant, and one of the promised blessings of fulfilling that calling is that I will find time for all the other things I want to do in life. That was promised to me, and I'm sticking God to it. 
4. Scheduling my life so that I don't have to waste time thinking about what I need to do next, including a overview and review at the beginning and end of each day to assess my progress. This means using a daily planner. In my case, the SAR.
   This is helpful because I am apt to misuse a lot of time thinking and not doing. It's in my nature. I love to think. I will think for hours and hours about things that are interesting to me and not even bat an eye. Life is fascinating. I just have got to keep my eye on the things that will make me feel fulfilled in the future.

Why am I doing this?

Primarily because I want to live a happy and fulfilling life. One of the important qualities of such a life is being debt free. If I can keep good grades and all my commitments on this challenge, I should be able to put myself through 4 years of college for free, which means no student loans. That's huge. Debate me as you will, but I strongly believe that he who owes money to another man is a slave to his creditor, and I am not willing to be a slave. I pray that the Lord will guide me in wise paths that I may never be in debt. It is not worth my freedom. 

One of the important reasons I wish to remain free from debt is that I do not want to grow up and be in debt and have to choose the bank over my family. Is this easy? No. It probably means that for a lot of my young married life my wife and I will live rather meagerly. I'm okay with that, and I pray that she will be too. It pays off. Debt is such a strain on marriage. I think that it's probably just as much a strain as a child asking why we're having beans and rice again and saying that they don't want it, or feeling like a poor husband because I can't take my wife out to dinner or I'll break the budget, but I've never been there, so it's hard for me to say. 

Also, this is my senior year of wrestling. I want it to be meaningful. I want to walk sincerely out with no regrets. None in school, none in wrestling, none in faith, none in family. I know I can and will walk out of this year having given an incredible amount to the sport of wrestling. The question is, can I walk out happy with my efforts? Can I have a clean conscience and a clear mind? I will choose to be happy come what may, but I don't want to have to come to terms with my shortcomings first. 

There is more to say, but I've got to go get ready for bed. I'm going to do better at posting every day this week. 

Here we go!