Oh the power struggle.
Adult vs. Emerging Adult.
What a silly, silly thing.
It doesn't do anybody any good. Nobody is benefiting from this fight. Everybody loses. Adult loses respect of child, child loses faith in adult. Nobody wins.
So, let's start with why.
It's important to start with a why.
Why am I writing this post?
I am writing because I believe my words have the potential to help parents and children to get along better.
That being said, here we go.
We all know the scenario.
Child does something parent doesn't like. Parent warns child to stop. Child continues. Parent threatens child. Child continues. Parent punishes child. Child resents parent. Child waits until parent isn't looking and does said act again until caught. Parent finds out and punishes child more severely. Child resents parent even more, and rebels with more vigor. Parent punishes with more vigor. Anger and resentment build, relationships and families are broken. Repeat cycle.
How do we break that cycle?
That's a good question. It's a vicious cycle that escalates quickly.
It starts in the heart of the parent.
How does the parent respond to disobedience internally? I ask this question because it doesn't matter how the parent responds externally. If they feel something different internally than they do externally, what's inside will come out eventually with more vigor than it should as a result of being bottled up. Bottled up feelings never leave until released. They never just go away. It takes conscious effort to be rid of them. Beside that, children are especially sensitive. They can feel bottled up feelings. Act externally as you feel internally, and then if what you did was wrong, change how you think so you may change how you act.
There are basically two ways to respond to rebellion.
#1 Respond with force.
Responding with force is great in the fact that it does no good at all. Sure, it gets immediate results. Especially initially. The problem with responding with force is that the parent isn't actually teaching the child anything. The parent is imposing their will upon the child and expecting them to conform without a question. This makes a child feel squished. Stomped on. Children have dreams and hopes. Ideas and questions. If a parent never addresses those, how can they expect a child to learn and grow? How can a parent expect a child to learn how to be a good, decent person? The use of force is the worst way to raise a child.
#2 Respond with guidance.
Responding with guidance is difficult. A parent will never get the immediate results they desire which they would from force. However, being a parent isn't about imposing your will upon your child. It's about teaching them how to be a good person. Responding with guidance requires greater effort on the parent's part, and greater willingness to deal with the consequences of their children's actions. Parents must remember, as soon as children are born they start making decisions. People will fail. People will make mistakes. If a parent does not allow their child to make decisions for themselves, (even if those decisions are mistakes) while they're at home, how does a parent expect their child to make proper decisions when they leave home? Unless their child is in mortal danger, parents should very seldom if ever use force. Using guidance is a great thing. It's not just about letting a child make mistakes. It's about letting a child develop confidence in him/herself. It's about allowing a child to be a child, no matter what kind of mistakes they make. Children are smart. One way or another they'll figure out what's right and what's wrong. Parents must be patient in the meantime. When a child is going into a situation where the parent thinks they may do something wrong, a parent should give advice and then respect the decision that the child makes. Eventually, as the child learns that the parent is right, the child will come to the parent for advice with an open heart. That is a healthy relationship.
A word of caution on giving advice.
When giving advice to anybody, especially a child, it needs to really be advice. It must not be a command phrased like advice. That's worse than a straightforward command, because it makes the parent seem sly and untrustworthy. If a person gives advice and then gets angry when the person they give advice to doesn't follow it, that's not advice. That's a command. Advice must be given with the understanding that whomever it is given to has the choice to accept it or not. Also, advice given that is not welcome is worse than not saying anything at all. A person is wise to make sure their advice will be accepted before they say anything at all. One good way of doing that is simply to ask. May I give you a piece of advice? If they say no, don't give it. Plain and simple. If they say yes, speak gently and with love. Any other way will be far less effective.
Basically, a parent ought to treat their child like they were given that child from God himself.
Because they were.
Remember that.
A person may say, "You are 16, what do you know about raising children?" or, "You haven't met my child. You have no clue how hard this would be."
To both of those points I concede. That person would be correct. I have never raised a child of my own. I don't know their child. That's correct. And that's okay. They are entitled to their opinions. But I am correct. I never said that this way of raising children would be easy. I never said I had experience in it. I never even said that children will grow up to be the adult that the parent wants them to be. But the child will have made that decision for him/herself.
I may be naive, but I am not foolish. I understand what being a parent is about. It's about being an example for my children. Guiding. Loving. Respecting. Taking care of and providing a living for. Teaching them what I believe to be true. And, in all of this, allowing them to maintain their agency.
I understand that it will be difficult. How difficult? I do not know. But God will help me.
So, I have a question for you.
Are you raising your children properly?
Or, if you do not yet have children,
Do you intend to raise them properly?
It's something to think about. Think long and hard, because this is a duty given to you by God.
Don't let Him down.
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