I'm Going to be Vulnerable for a Moment

Right now, for a moment, on Saturday, December 21, 2013 at 11:37pm, I'm going to be vulnerable.

I'm going to open up, because there is something that I need to express.

I have a hard time accepting people. I have a hard time trusting people. I have a hard time loving people.

I am a lot shyer than I seem. I feel alone and afraid a lot. I do not feel accepted in many, many situations and places.

And it's hard. It's hard to overcome. Especially with people whom I respect greatly. I fear that I will become bothersome. That I am a nuisance, that I talk too much.

I wasn't always like this though. As a little child I wasn't. And then I grew, and I did things like interact with uncaring people and go to public school. And I changed.

In school I was told to sit down and shut up. To listen unconditionally to my teachers and to never speak out against them. I was told that asking questions is shameful, and that I would be looked down upon if I asked too many of them. I was told by my peers that there was a certain way to walk and to talk and to dress and to look, and that there were certain things that I had to like and do, and that if I didn't follow that way and like those things, I just simply couldn't fit in. 

And for a while, I was oblivious to all of it.

The first day I corrected a teacher and surpassed my reading goal by almost double yet again was the day that I started to see things. I started to see that many of the smiles were fake. And so were many of the greetings. And many of the friendships.

I saw the rolling eyes and the obvious sighs that I had missed before.

I saw the way that people turned ever so slightly away when I walked into the room, or tightened their circles just a little bit when I walked up.

I was different. 

And nobody liked it.

And I was so desperate to have a friend, just one friend that would pick me first for the playground football team or console me on a hard day, that I stopped being me. I stopped being that confident, brilliant child that I was and started being a quiet child that spent most of his time reading books and playing alone. Not the one that was always alone, I had the occasional friend, but none of them really stuck around. They either moved to another city, or another popularity ranking, or a new set of friends, and I was left alone again. 

There was a day... There was a day when I stood in the room that I'm writing from right now and contemplated how much it would actually hurt if I took the knife that I was holding and cut my throat. 

That was my low.

From that point I was taken to a councilor. His name was Sean. He made me feel important. Like I was a somebody. Like my opinion mattered and like my thoughts were valuable. He changed my life.

I still struggle. I worry that I talk too much. That people don't like me. That my opinions are too strong. That the smiles are still fake and the circles are still tightened, they've just gotten better at hiding it. 

I still worry that I am not accepted. 

Behind the confident, enthusiastic, radiant young man that I am today, I still fight a brutal battle in every moment to choose to be confident, and happy and enthusiastic. I fight a battle in choosing to trust and to love. I fight a battle in choosing to accept, and forgive.

Don't you?