Love Remains - An Original Poem

I stand apart. 

Pondering my soul, 

Considering the pieces, 

And examining them. 

I begin removing 

All the things 

Unlike my God, 

And I listen. 

A voice speaks 

In quiet opposition; 

At first subtle 

And then fierce. 

It tells me 

I am nothing, 

And the Devil 

Sits and laughs. 

Walking with God 

I am unafraid; 

And so I 

Look to Him. 

God smiles softly 

Unafraid of Lucifer. 

He guides me, 

Teaching of love. 

We prune me; 

It hurts deeply. 

I trust Him. 

Only love remains

Enjoying Where I'm At

The past week has been such an interesting week for me. So many awesome and incredible things have happened. :D I went on two dates, worked a full week at the feed store, got called to be a temple worker, had stake conference, read Donald Miller's book Scary Close twice because I liked it so well, finally got my Eagle paperwork wrapped up, began planning for a date, (A BIG date with lots of people) which I am quite happy about, and had stake conference. I could talk about all of these things and each one I would have something to say about, (I usually do have something to say. ;) ) and I don't think I'm going to talk about any of them specifically. Instead, I'm going to talk about what I've learned through these things because this is really important to me.

This week I learned that I would do well to stop and enjoy what I'm doing more. I've learned that so often I become so focused on where I'm going and how to get there that I forget to enjoy where I'm at right now. Especially in my relationships with my friends. Especially my relationships with my close friends. The people who I'm close to I generally have a purpose and vision for in my head, and I know where I want that relationship to go. Sometimes I feel really manipulative about that. I felt like that a lot this weekend. I began to doubt whether or not I could actually have real relationships with people, and I began to believe that all I did was manipulate people for a twisted sense of power. I began to feel really selfish, and even wondered if I was good for the world at all. I wondered if I could actually be real with people instead of just acting, and if I ever took off the mask and let people see me for who I am.
I definitely didn't think I was brave enough to let people see me.
Honestly, I got pretty far away from my post last week about obeying and not fearing. I was really deep into fear and shame. I allowed myself to believe that I wasn't even worthy of love.

I'm really fascinated with the way Christ felt sorrow. I think there is a lot more there than I understand yet. He felt such deep sorrow as the world has never felt before, and all of it He felt without doubt and without fear. I guess what this means is that his faith in His Father was unconditional. It had no conditions of being for Him to feel it. It was regardless of anything else. Unconditional faith. I want to be like that. What are my conditions for faith? Do I put conditions that I expect God to meet for me to believe in Him?

Okay. Back to where I was trying to go before I got distracted. Enjoying where I'm at.
I've noticed this particularly with one friendship of mine. Honestly, it may be the best friendship that I have. And yet I so often feel so displeased with myself and with this friendship, and I become so confused as to why this is. When I'm uncertain of something and I'm not dealing with it well, I generally have one of two reactions, neither of which have anything to do with reveling in the uncertainty. I either shut down firmly or I do something hasty to try and get a quick fix to the perceived problem. When I do deal with the uncertainty well, I find joy in it and look forward to finding creative solutions to difficult problems. The apostle James talks about this, and I think what he says is really wise. He says,

"My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into many afflictions; knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing."

I think what he's trying to tell me really is this: it's okay to be where you are, even if where you are is not what you had in mind. Rejoice in the fact that you have the ability to overcome! In time and with patient effort, everything will work out. I promise.

I like the Bible. It says some really important things, and they help me a lot.

Today I am going to make an effort to slow down and rejoice in the things which have gone so beautifully in my life. Things like this flower. This comes from a beautiful day in my life. What a wonderful life it is. :)
Thank you, Father!

Pain, Patience, and Trust - A Guest Post By Savannah Lorcher

“Try to exclude the possibility of suffering...and you find that you have excluded life itself.”

-C.S. Lewis

You guys. Pain is admirable. Pain is strength. Please don’t hide from it. Here’s why.

Pain and joy are like a pendulum; always swinging back and forth. This is what I am calling the “pain” factor. The further you swing into pain, the further you’ll swing into joy. This is the “patience” factor. However, if you try to block the possibility of pain, you also block the possibility of joy. This is the “trust factor.” Each is essential to your eternal happiness, and I’ll explain why.


1). The Pain Factor
Think about it--one of the most important parts of the atonement is to take away our pains, and our sins, but also so we can find happiness. If we try to block our pain, we are wasting part of this incredible gift and blessing. Why would we do that? Christ gave his life for us. Let us vow to use his atonement to the fullest. Christ gave his life so we could be happy and clean, and eventually return to him one day. He suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane, sweating drops of blood out of the pain. He knew we were going to hurt. He knew we were going to suffer and cry, distraught with sorrow. He knew that we would be reduced to utter nothingness buy some of the trials that are in store for us. So he suffered for our sins, he knows our pain. If he suffered for the sins and afflictions of all the world, our personal sins and afflictions being just a fraction of the pain he felt, why are we putting this pain to waste? EMBRACE YOUR PAIN. REVEL IN IT. GROW IN IT. EXPAND IN IT. YOU GROW THROUGH PAIN. You become the person you were meant to be through coming unto Christ, and one of the ways he intended us to come unto him is through our afflictions.

The reason why pain is strength is because it takes courage to feel your pain. It takes courage and strength to leave our heart and soul vulnerable. It is admirable. A human who can grow, love, serve, cherish, and strengthen through their pain is strong. So strong. I look up to them. So please. Let the pain in. Because joy always comes next.


2). The Patience Factor
Sometimes, the process of “swinging back” takes a while. Pain can stretch on for a long time. But you have to be patient in your happiness. You have to have patience in goodness. Because God doesn’t hate us. He loves us. More than we can imagine. So he’s not going to just hand us a problem, then kick us out of his sight and let us deal with it on his own. No. Never. He’ll always be there. Guiding, comforting, supporting. Even when you are in pain and life seems bleak, there is always good. He wants to give us everything he has. He just has to make sure we’re worthy. So have patience in his goodness. Have patience that the joy will come. Have patience that the Lord has our backs. He won’t let us down. Not ever. We only let him down.

Can I tell you something? I often feel alone. I often feel abandoned. I am still working on a sense of fulfilment. It is a trial and heartache of mine. Yet I know it will change soon. I know that it’ll all work out. I know that Christ is there for me. I know he loves me. So if I can have faith, you can too :). I know it can be hard. Patience is not easy. But this isn’t a mortal ailment. This is an eternal blessing. Your faithfulness will either make or break your eternal happiness in these crucial moments. So stay strong. You got this.

I’ve been in many instances where the swinging, or patience, phase seems to stretch on forever. When the pain and heartache are unrelenting. But swing it did. Relent it did. Your patience will be under constant pressure. But bad things end. Pain goes away. When I say, “you got this”, I’m not just saying it. I know it. I believe in it. I believe in you.


3). The Trust Factor

Trust is, in my opinion, the most crucial factor of this entire equation. Here’s why.

When you block the pain, when you push it out, you’re also pushing out the joy. Because the pendulum can’t swing when you have it tied in place. So you have to trust that the pain you’re feeling is supposed to be there. You have to trust that it’s all part of something good. Something true. Something strong.

Each three of these factors are essential to your eternal happiness. I hope you know that. I hope you embrace it. I hope you love your pain. Your pain is beautiful. Your pain is stunning. Wear it with the dignity of someone strong.
Your joy is beautiful. Your joy is stunning. Wear it with the dignity of someone kind. 

This post was very painful for me to write. Why? Because it describes what’s going on inside me right now. I’m fighting a constant battle in my heart-to be choose happiness, goodness, and light or to choose misery, bleakness, emptiness. I don’t know why I’m having these struggles. I don’t know what they’re preparing me for. I don’t know why I choose to endure them. I don’t know how they are changing me. I DON’T KNOW.  I.  DON’T.  KNOW. I really don’t. It’s painful. It’s a struggle. A war even. I just have to trust. I have to have patience. I have to keep the Spirit of God with me whenever I can.

That’s how I know I’ll conquer.

Savannah



Savannah is a friend of mine. Her blog can be found here. :) http://thesavsadventures.blogspot.com/

Obey, and Do Not Fear

The Lord said, "It is better to obey than to sacrifice."
He also said, "Look unto Me in every thought, doubt not, fear not."
When the Lord said, "Doubt not, fear not." He wasn't joking. Neither was He joking when He proclaimed to Saul that obedience is much more important than sacrifice.
No matter how gloomy and difficult the situation seems to be, God's answer is "Doubt not, fear not" and His commandment is to obey.
Will you obey?

I wrote that paragraph yesterday in a burst of inspiration and brilliance from God. Now I feel terrified by what I have written. xD LOOK AT THIS. It is SUCH A CALL TO ACTION. It's incredible. This requires so much faith to follow.
Donald Miller wrote one of my favorite books in the world. It's called A Million Miles In A Thousand Years, and I recommend it highly. In it, he said,

“And once you live a good story, you get a taste for a kind of meaning in life, and you can't go back to being normal; you can't go back to meaningless scenes stitched together by the forgettable thread of wasted time.”

This is how I feel right now. I have a taste of it. A taste of what God is trying to give me. Absolute and complete faith in Him. Perfect love. Eternal happiness. It's there, waiting, and He is offering it to me freely. Do I have the courage to take it?

Honestly, I'm not sure if I have that kind of courage right now. I do have the courage to try, however. And to try again. And again.

Let's go back up to what God is saying up there. I'm not sure if the connection between the two verses is super solid to you yet. Here's where I'm going with this.
Once there was a boy named Dallin, and he had the bad habit of making excuses against listening to the Lord. Dallin believed in the Atonement of Jesus Christ, though he often told himself that he wasn't worthy to partake of it. Who was he to make Christ suffer for his sins? So he sacrificed his happiness for shame and told the Lord that he wasn't worthy of being healed. The Lord, meanwhile, looked down upon Dallin and hoped he would eventually obey the commandment to repent. He knew that Dallin was so close to something great, and that Dallin just needed to stop trying to sacrifice and start obeying His word, which was,
"Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give thee rest."

Eventually, I got it. And I'm still learning to trust Him. There is rest in Him.

Rephrased, God is essentially telling us this:
"There is no place you can go, no thing you can do, and no misery you can feel that I cannot help you with, as long as you have even the desire to have faith in Me. Here's what you have to understand. I am God. There is nothing that can happen to you that I cannot make good out of. So rejoice! We can do this together."

I'm going to work on this. Today. Tonight. Right now. Never a doubt, never a fear. This shall be my goal.

Thank you, God!

Anyway: An Original Poem

What does it mean 

To hurt for a friend?

Can I actually...

Feel their pain?

And what of the..

moments.

Where I'm the one

Who hurts.

Is my pain felt?

Do others know what..

It's like?

Loneliness moves

Like a river.

Churning, gushing..

Pulling.

Blackness lies beneath.

And I'm told

That there is light.

Above me.

A hand reaching..

For mine.

Do I have the strength..

To..

Reach back?

I am so thankful

For the moments

Where I didn't..

Reach.

And my friends

Pulled me up

Anyway.

What Friendship Is

Friendship is such a wonderful concept. :D
It says, "Hey, you're a human! I'm a human too! Let's share some of our lives with each other!"
And then they do. :)
Lately, I've been learning a lot about friendship and relationships and love. I could speak for a long time about this, and tonight I'm not going to do that. This post will be short.
Tonight I was given what I now consider to be the best description of friendship I've ever heard before by a friend of mine. She said,

"I've seen many friendships go stagnant in my life. But I still trust them. I still believe in them. I am not ashamed of me in front of them."-Savannah Lorcher

"I am not ashamed of me in front of them."

Is this not what friendship is?




P.S. This is Savannah's blog. :)

I Don't Know What To Name This Post. 'Overcoming Emotional Garbage and Shame Gremlins', Maybe? xD

Sometimes I feel like such a poor friend.
I feel like I fail so often to show my friends how much I really care about them, and I'm not certain how often I succeed.
:-/
I just want to be a better man. I'm trying so hard.
I feel so tired.
Can I ever really know that they know I love them? I'm not sure. I want them to know.
A poem which I was given once came to my mind a lot today. It begins:

I am no proper friend, I feel
My heart gone numb, my colors steel.

This is how I feel today.
I want to reach out and give love to these people, and I feel this incredible amount of demotivation to do so. It's like there is this fear.  Deep fear. Blinding fear. Deafening fear. It fills my senses until there is little but blankness. Numbness.
I feel like I'm constantly turning people away. Honestly, sometimes I'm amazed that other people actually talk with me. Why would they talk with me? I constantly push them away from me. In my thoughts, in my deeds, in my tones of voice. Rarely do I push away with my words.
I feel so tired.
Pain pain pain pain.
I feel boggled. Distracted. Even alone.
Alone.
I don't feel like that an awful lot of the time. Sometimes I do. I am not alone, however.
See, the reality of the situation is that I am one of a race of several billion living people. From the perspective of all humanity who ever lived, my situation is not unique.
I am not alone.
There are those who have felt this before. They made it. So can I. They will help me and cheer me on because those who really experienced what I experience in the way which I experience believe the same things which I believe. They believe that these things can be overcome. And then they do it.
I do not belong with the pessimists nor those who never overcame. That is not who I am determined to be. I strive for something greater. I strive to be a better man and I BELIEVE that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I will overcome all things.
I was not created to end.
Let's say that again.
I was not created to end.
There will be endings and there will be things which come to a close. I am not one of those. My name is Dallin Ward and I was CREATED ON PURPOSE BY A GOD WHO LOVES ME.
And I love Him too.

*Breathes*
Okay. I can do this. This is manageable.
Today I am not a perfect man. I may put off and ignore my friends and myself. I may speak things which people find hurt in. I may make great mistakes and lose friends who I really loved. In the end, I may lose all my friends. And I may not. I just don't know. Here's what I do know:
I am loved.
I am worthy of love.
I am capable of sharing love with other people.
Jesus Christ is my Savior and Redeemer, and I love Him.

Let's go from there. :)
Thank you, Father!

Love,
Dallin