When The Going Gets Tough

I have... So many conflicting feelings going into this post.
If you've followed this blog since the beginning, you remember this post. It was the post I wrote after I lost state last year. The one where I decided to quit feeling down about losing state and start doing something about it. Well, I did it again. I lost state. In the finals.
Gah. I don't know what to say, besides that it hurt. I hurt. I went into state seeded #2, and any of the top 4 guys were good enough to win it, so I was just happy to make it to the finals. I told myself and everyone around me that I was just happy to be in the finals. I told them that I didn't think I would be too upset if I lost.
And then I stepped out onto the mat for that match.
It's hard to describe what it looks like to wrestle in front of a crowd like this in an arena this big.

But once I stepped out onto the mat, I realized how much I wanted to win. I remembered how hard I worked for it. I thought of what standing on the top of the podium would be like.
So I put my heart into it, and I went at him.
In the end, he didn't outwork me. Not even close. He wrestled like the coward that he is.
But he did win.
After the match I shook his hand like a man. Because I am a man. I walked off the mat like a man. I talked to my coaches for a minute, and then I went off alone. And then I cried and cried. I cried and prayed until I didn't have any tears left to cry, through they would have flown freely had there been any left. And as I was praying I said to God, "God, You'd better make me quite the man, because You've made my life pretty hard and You don't give easy things to great men. I know that. So Lord, please help me to be the man You want me to be. Please make this worth it."
I believe that prayer has been and will continue to be answered.
Now, you might wonder where the conflicting feelings that I mentioned come into play here. The feelings mentioned so far are all pretty sad. They're not easy feelings to deal with.
Then we won state as a team.
Gah. It's so hard to smile and be happy with the team when you've just lost an individual state title. But it's hard not to smile when you see your brothers filled with so much joy.
So there I am. Right in the middle of my brothers in my black warm up jacket. Trying to smile while holding the state trophy with the other state finalist from our team. He's a stud.

Even after being with my team to accept the state title though, I still couldn't be happy. It was too hard.
But I was trying, I really was.
So after all of this, we had a 5 hour bus ride home. The guys in the back were partying. I was doing my best to kill my feelings. I couldn't deal with them yet. Not yet. And then we stopped at Ihop for dinner.
**Sigh** Something about good food in good company will lift even the lowest spirits.
By the time we left Ihop, my spirits were pretty high. My spirits still weren't high enough to go party with the guys in the back though. But there was a freshman, bless his heart, that sat up in the seat next to me and talked with me for 4 straight hours on that bus. What a man. Instead of spending the entire bus ride home partying with the other guys, he talked to me. And he listened to me as I poured out the agony of my soul.
And then when I was done and we both were silent, he showed me this picture.

xD
That picture right there made my day. :D Oh goodness. I laughed so hard. He and I laughed until we couldn't breathe. This freshman's a great kid. One of the best I know, and that's saying something. I know some great people. God bless him.
So anyways, we got home. I cried myself to sleep. Went to church the next day, (Yesterday) and didn't cry. Was proud of myself for being at least somewhat pleasant to everybody around me.
Well, now that I've had a day to recover, it's time to focus once again, and use my loss to drive me.
So practice for state in 2015 started this morning at 5:30.
Yup. The Monday after state.
I do not want to lose it again.
As they always say,
"When the going gets tough, punch the going in the face and determine your own future."
Actually, nobody says that. Except me. And I made it up just now. Haha. :)
Have a great day, my friends. :)