I know something is wrong, but I'm not entirely sure what. I just feel.. Down. There are a lot of things I am
terrified of, and I am struggling to figure out how to deal with them.
This post really is going to ramble, so if you don't stick around to read it, I understand. I really do. It might come out jumbled and unfocused, but that's how I feel right now. I'm just trying to get it out of my soul.
For most of my life, I focus on other people. Right now I'm going to focus on myself. Do a bit of a self-evaluation.
I'm terrified to talk with people right now. Even my closest friends. I am so afraid of hurting other people. When I begin a conversation or a friendship, or anything else, really, I
commit myself. I'm not a half way in kind of person. It's just the way I've been raised. As a result, I don't really try and be friends with everyone around me, because I psychologically cannot have a deep relationship with everyone I meet. Light, fun relationships with very little commitment don't come naturally to me. Honestly, they are painful. I can see what a beautiful person is in front of me, and I really want to know them and understand them. Be their friend. Serve and love and help them. But I can't do that with everyone I meet. I have a hard time getting out of the perspective that everyone else in the world feels the same way I do about all of this. Clearly, they don't. It really is painful to me to not hear back from someone when I reach out to them, and I try really hard to respond to all the people who reach out to me because I know how much I hate to be ignored myself. But I don't have time or energy to respond to everyone who reaches out. It's not enough for me to have a simple, polite, plastic conversation. It feels fake, and I am not a fake person. So I shy away from speaking with people. Know this,
if you're someone who can actually see me when I'm online, you're one of the few, and I want to speak with you. Most of the time I'm either too busy or am talking with someone else. I don't want to sound insensitive. If you can't see me when I'm online, don't think that I don't want to talk with you, because chances are I do. I really love talking with people. But some of the people I want to talk with most are the ones I keep invisible from the most. I can see how wonderful they are, and realize that I don't have time to talk with them, because I'll talk for hours. One of my biggest struggles in life is knowing that I cannot always be there for the people I love. I try so hard to always be available, but I shy away from the people I try to be available for. It's silly, really.
Another thing I'm terrified of is planning out my life and what I'm going to do - even planning the next few days. One thing I understand very well is how quickly things change and new, sometimes very important things come up. As I said earlier, I'm an all out kind of person. I don't like putting a half effort into things, and I definitely do not like failure. Planning is not hard because I hate to plan, I actually really enjoy that part. It's not that I dislike following a plan either - it's a really fulfilling thing to stick to a plan I made myself. The thing that scares me is when things change, and something really important happens. When I make a plan, I tend to be very, very specific about what's going to happen. I begin and feel really accomplished for a couple of days. Then, 3 or 4 days in, something really big happens right in the middle of my plan. My Dad goes to the hospital with a pancreatic attack or there's a massive job needing to be done at the feed store and I have a half hour to be there, or a friend comes to me in incredible desperation, and I can feel how much they hurt, and refuse to turn them away. These are all things which are unavoidable. I absolutely cannot control them, and yet, they intrude on my plans.
Don't get me wrong, I am not a victim here. A victim is the last thing I want to be. I'm just not good at working around faults in my schedule. What usually happens is something like this,
It's 7:00 in the evening, I have homework scheduled. I begin on my homework, and at 7:15 a grain truck rolls in. I get a call, they need help right now. I explain that I've got a plan and am trying to stick to it, but then I feel bad because I know how much my Dad appreciates, and needs the help. I get ready and go to work. I get home at 11:00 or midnight, already far past what I had scheduled as my bedtime. So I figure that a schedule now broken isn't going to get fixed, and hop onto the internet to finish my homework, or chat with a friend. I finally make it to bed about 1:00, or sometimes 2:00 in the morning. That's fine, whatever. I'll push through the next day. Alarm goes off at 5:30. Time to run. Time to wrestle. I get up feeling great and have a great start to the day. By about 11:00 I'm thinking I'll be able to make it through the day without a nap. Noon rolls around and confirms it. 1:00 comes and I get a little sleepy, but believe I can shake it off. 2:00 comes and I'm out like a light, thus missing everything I had planned for 2:00. 3:30 comes and it's time to wrestle again. 6:00 comes and it's time for homework, but it happens to be a Thursday, and I have a tournament in the morning, so I watch film and chat with friends, trying to relax, rationalizing that I can do my homework on the bus to the tourney. Midnight sneaks up on me, and I realize that I've been up for far too long, and need to sleep. 5:30 rolls around, and I've got to be to the school in half an hour, and I know I've not gotten enough sleep. No big deal, I'll sleep on the bus. But I have homework to do on the bus. That's too bad. Wrestling is more important today. I have a great weekend, place high in a tournament, sleep in on Sunday, and entirely forget the homework due on Monday. Then on Monday I feel like a failure, and my schedule falls into a pit of bottled up frustration and rationalization.
This cycle happens over and over in one form or another, and it's actually super refreshing to type out. I know what this beast is. I can handle it. I just need patience, and to keep a clear head with a solution-based mindset. That I can do. Take steps, Dallin. Leaps are rarely sustainable.
I'm afraid of being forgotten. This isn't something anyone else can fix - I have to deal with it on my own. No amount of instant replies or number of messages will fix this problem. Sometimes I just feel forgettable. Most of it is created in my own head via false understandings of social cues, but regardless I still feel it. There are some people, however, who I really do think could forget me. Maybe not intellectually, because I've got a pretty rememberable presence and way of speaking, but spiritually. I want people to remember me by the way I made them feel, not the things they thought about me. Thoughts and perceptions often are very trivial, easily changeable and forgettable. Feelings are undeniable. Especially feelings of inspiration or love. Those are the kinds of feelings I wish to leave. It's a curiosity to me what will happen to my relationships when I leave on my mission. I imagine a lot of them will fade. Maybe some that are important to me. I don't know.
Sometimes I have a false sense of entitlement, and I'm trying really hard to be rid of it. It's stupid and limits my perspective.
I'm also more insecure about my stature and height than I had previously thought. It's fascinating, really. The most interesting part is that I won't fix that insecurity by going to the gym. It just doesn't work that way. I'll fix it best by peace, meditation, and prayer. That's the only lasting solution.
I think that's all I'm going to write today. If you made it this far, congratulations. You just got a tour of a part of my head I'm just beginning to understand myself. Interesting, isn't it? Do you share my fears? Do you understand them? I think, to some extent, you probably do, because you're human. I'm human. That's our uniting factor. That's why I can love you, and you can love me, and we can accept and grow stronger because of our faults. I'm trying really hard to overcome fear, and really be vulnerable with myself and you. It's scary, but the power it brings is immense. If just two of us, just you and I can learn to be happily vulnerable, and really accept and love each other, maybe we can teach a third. And a fourth. Maybe they can teach a fifth. It is often assumed that vulnerability is a state of sorrow and crying and so forth, but I'm here to tell you that such a thought is false! Vulnerability in it's pure form is the most exhilarating, joyful, pleasant emotion I've ever felt. Why?
Because I can be real in vulnerability. I can be honest. I can be myself in all the glory God created me to be.
So can you.
