I constantly feel uneasy. Restless. Unsettled. And I haven't been able to figure it out. But I think I have an idea.
I love big things. I love leading a great work or being a part of something great, or anything with a grand vision. Constantly I am enveloping myself in something that makes me feel that way. I pursue greatness almost like a drug. It's something inside of me. Always I am doing something to improve myself or help other people. If I'm not improving my mind with learning or my body with exercise, I'm probably serving somebody, and if I'm not serving somebody, I'm probably at work, and if I'm not at work, I'm probably talking to somebody trying to help them with something, and if I'm not doing that I'm looking for one of those things to do. I get so focused that I can't think of anything else. I want to help people. I want to change the world. It's not even a conscious focus. It's very subconscious. I don't like doing unproductive things as a result. I don't usually like small talk. I don't like television. I don't like video games. I hardly like school, (Although I am working really hard to learn to enjoy it.) Sometimes it drives me nuts. I want to just have a normal conversation sometimes. But I'm not very good at it. So I go away from a conversation where I've only talked small feeling angry because I didn't help them, or learn something myself.
A dear friend told me the other day that I should chill. Stop trying so hard.
She's probably right.
I just have such a great work to do, you know? And if everything I'm doing doesn't help somebody, than I'm wasting time, and I don't have time for that. But at the same time I don't want to burn out like a piece of paper, really bright, and really hot, but really fast. I don't want to extinguish myself, but I don't know how to slow down. I feel like I have a switch and I'm either really moving and getting things done or I'm not doing anything at all.
I will overcome this. I will learn when to be intense and when to be calm, and how to be both at once.
It's just hard to flow like the wind when you want to burn like fire.
You feel?
Great post! I think I can relate to it more than anything. I've also had to find that common ground where I don't come across as intense. But do you know what I found?
ReplyDeleteSome times you help people the most when you do the smallest of things.
Anyway, carry on!
Amen. Then end.
ReplyDelete