Thursday, February 28, 2019
Textual Conversation
One of the things that I really don't like about texting is that there is seldom an actual end to the conversation. Instead of ending like an in-person conversation where two people say goodbye and walk away from each other, the textual conversation may end because one person drops their phone in the sink just as well as it may end with that same person being angry at the other, or maybe they just got bored and stopped replying. You never know because there is not really a beginning or an end. Shouldn't conversation be better than that?
Wednesday, February 20, 2019
I'm Trying to Dream Again
Odd things have happened to me since I've last written on this blog. I'm definitely a very different person than I was in 2016, and when I got back from serving as a missionary I didn't want to come back here to this blog because I wanted to be a new man - a different man than I was before. Like an old page in a beloved diary, I thought that this place was out of space to write anything more on.
Now I've come back, however, because there's something about the old posts that makes my insides stir with excitement and my mind begin to wonder and marvel at the world again like it used to. Really what I'm trying to say is that the things I have written here make me want to dream again because they are the dreams of my youth and I feel like I've forgotten how to dream as I've grown.
Have you ever thought of what it would be like to lay in a field of dandelions in full bloom? I can see it in my mind if I try. The picture that I see is of a landscape with rolling hills covered in yellow blossoms that smell sweet when you lay down in them and leave little green indents in the yellow carpet as you walk through. If you lay down, it's almost as if the carpet envelops you, hiding you, sheltering you from the eyes of those who would not understand your dreaming. This is what it's like to dream.
I've come back to this blog because I want to remind myself what it is to dream up a field of dandelions and fall in love with a woman with my heart. I feel like I've put away my ability to do both of those things, and I think that this was a fair and just thing to do as a missionary. But I am not a missionary anymore. Sometime I'll have to let myself fall more in love than my typical cycle of getting to know somebody just well enough to prove to myself that I should move along before I risk getting hurt.
The pain, I think, comes from commitment to action which is made impossible by the actions of somebody else and that's terrifying because I can't control it. What's worse is that there is no formula for love which means that I can't make a girl fall in love with me; she has to do that on her own. There are things outside of me which no amount of thought or worry can control, yet I can influence those things and I do every time I act.
There's another matter which has weighed upon my mind recently. It's a matter of eloquence and romance. I'm terrified of saying things that aren't true to a woman. I don't think I've told any woman since I left on my mission that I love her, except those who are members of my family and maybe two or three others who are dear friends of mine and have been for a long time. Not even in a friendly way have I said it. I don't think I've given hugs to more than a few women since I've been at BYU, and most of those are also old friends or acquaintances and that's odd for me because before my mission I hugged people like a minute hand moves. Now I don't. I just don't want to lie about how I feel. The thought of someone falling in love with me because they misinterpreted my communications to them is a thought that I don't like very much. I'm far colder in my interactions with women than I was before. Is that a good thing? I don't know.
What I do know is that I don't get excited about my relationships like I used to and when I say excited what I mean is that I don't dream because that's what excitement really is. Nobody is more excited than the wide-eyed dreamer. To him the heavens open and the Earth is beautiful. That's what I'm going for here. I want to be like that again. I know it won't be the same - there are things about me that should not go back to the way they were - but dreams and wide-eyed wonder are the shining attributes of children and lovers, and someday I'll be both of those. I'll be wise like an old man, too.
As for right now, it just feels good to write. I'm really thankful for having a blog to write on.
Have a nice day.
-Dallin
Now I've come back, however, because there's something about the old posts that makes my insides stir with excitement and my mind begin to wonder and marvel at the world again like it used to. Really what I'm trying to say is that the things I have written here make me want to dream again because they are the dreams of my youth and I feel like I've forgotten how to dream as I've grown.
Have you ever thought of what it would be like to lay in a field of dandelions in full bloom? I can see it in my mind if I try. The picture that I see is of a landscape with rolling hills covered in yellow blossoms that smell sweet when you lay down in them and leave little green indents in the yellow carpet as you walk through. If you lay down, it's almost as if the carpet envelops you, hiding you, sheltering you from the eyes of those who would not understand your dreaming. This is what it's like to dream.
I've come back to this blog because I want to remind myself what it is to dream up a field of dandelions and fall in love with a woman with my heart. I feel like I've put away my ability to do both of those things, and I think that this was a fair and just thing to do as a missionary. But I am not a missionary anymore. Sometime I'll have to let myself fall more in love than my typical cycle of getting to know somebody just well enough to prove to myself that I should move along before I risk getting hurt.
The pain, I think, comes from commitment to action which is made impossible by the actions of somebody else and that's terrifying because I can't control it. What's worse is that there is no formula for love which means that I can't make a girl fall in love with me; she has to do that on her own. There are things outside of me which no amount of thought or worry can control, yet I can influence those things and I do every time I act.
There's another matter which has weighed upon my mind recently. It's a matter of eloquence and romance. I'm terrified of saying things that aren't true to a woman. I don't think I've told any woman since I left on my mission that I love her, except those who are members of my family and maybe two or three others who are dear friends of mine and have been for a long time. Not even in a friendly way have I said it. I don't think I've given hugs to more than a few women since I've been at BYU, and most of those are also old friends or acquaintances and that's odd for me because before my mission I hugged people like a minute hand moves. Now I don't. I just don't want to lie about how I feel. The thought of someone falling in love with me because they misinterpreted my communications to them is a thought that I don't like very much. I'm far colder in my interactions with women than I was before. Is that a good thing? I don't know.
What I do know is that I don't get excited about my relationships like I used to and when I say excited what I mean is that I don't dream because that's what excitement really is. Nobody is more excited than the wide-eyed dreamer. To him the heavens open and the Earth is beautiful. That's what I'm going for here. I want to be like that again. I know it won't be the same - there are things about me that should not go back to the way they were - but dreams and wide-eyed wonder are the shining attributes of children and lovers, and someday I'll be both of those. I'll be wise like an old man, too.
As for right now, it just feels good to write. I'm really thankful for having a blog to write on.
Have a nice day.
-Dallin
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