Humanity

For a while, I've been working on the campaign team for a couple of my buddies who are running for student body president and secretary. They're great and I love them. I really believe that they are people who will do amazing things at WA.

Today I feel tired. I feel sad and lonely and disappointed with myself. I've become so wrapped up in winning these campaigns that I've stopped seeing other people as people. Only another person to sway or an enemy to be dealt with.

And to be clear, this post is about me. I, myself. Dallin Ward. It's not about anyone else in the campaign because I can't speak their feelings or experience. This is solely and completely mine. I accept this as mine.

I didn't realize how wrapped up I was until I chatted a guy in class to ask him about voting for my candidate. A guy who is my friend; someone who I've worked with and I love. I didn't ask him how he was or even regard him as a human. Everything I did was in efforts to get him to vote the way I wanted him to, and then damage control when it appeared he wasn't going to. At the end, I even made the remark, "By the way, nice comments in class today, bro." But I didn't mean any of it, and I think he felt that. It was an awkward situation for me, and it looked like an awkward situation for him. 

But GAHADFOIASF AF;AGAEGA SREGFI GUBAVDN SADOGI NASDGONA;OIF OSIF ;OWIHF;AOIUEIHT;OF8QIEYHT;OIGWHSNE;OILD HFN; OASDHNGL VKHASN; DFOHVA OLSDHGVN; OAIEHSFN; OAUEHR;OGIHS;OUHKF AOIHGN ;LAK A ;;ASDSD ;KSDA  LNL

GAH.

VULNERABILITY AND HUMANNESS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANY OPINION, AND I LET MY OPINION CHANGE THE WAY I TREATED ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.

This is not okay with me. 

**Sigh** I'm tired. I'm done trying to convince at any cost. The ends do not justify the means. 

Simon Sinek says that he's such an effective speaker because, 

"I only speak what I believe, and I only says things that I know to be true."
I want to be like that. I'm done trying to beat other people. I'm done trying to convince myself that it's okay. I love people. That's what I do. This forceful, angry side of me isn't who I am. I want no part of it. If I am to succeed in this life, I want to succeed because I did what I knew to be right and did not give up my integrity to achieve any goal. My integrity is what gives me strength. 

So, today, I am going to do and say things I believe, and that's it. I'm also going to see if I can finish my checklist. It would be the first time I've finished a whole checklist in a very long time. I want to believe that I can do this. I can be the man that God wants me to be. I can. Heavenly Father, please help me. I want to be a better man. 

There is such pride and foolishness in my heart. I am such a flawed human being. I don't feel happy with myself. I act in hypocrisy and deceit more often than even I understand. I don't feel confident and pleased with myself. I feel proud and stupid and glum.
Oh Lord, please help me. I just want to be a better man.