Textual Conversation

One of the things that I really don't like about texting is that there is seldom an actual end to the conversation. Instead of ending like an in-person conversation where two people say goodbye and walk away from each other, the textual conversation may end because one person drops their phone in the sink just as well as it may end with that same person being angry at the other, or maybe they just got bored and stopped replying. You never know because there is not really a beginning or an end. Shouldn't conversation be better than that?

I'm Trying to Dream Again

Odd things have happened to me since I've last written on this blog. I'm definitely a very different person than I was in 2016, and when I got back from serving as a missionary I didn't want to come back here to this blog because I wanted to be a new man - a different man than I was before. Like an old page in a beloved diary, I thought that this place was out of space to write anything more on.
Now I've come back, however, because there's something about the old posts that makes my insides stir with excitement and my mind begin to wonder and marvel at the world again like it used to. Really what I'm trying to say is that the things I have written here make me want to dream again because they are the dreams of my youth and I feel like I've forgotten how to dream as I've grown.
Have you ever thought of what it would be like to lay in a field of dandelions in full bloom? I can see it in my mind if I try. The picture that I see is of a landscape with rolling hills covered in yellow blossoms that smell sweet when you lay down in them and leave little green indents in the yellow carpet as you walk through. If you lay down, it's almost as if the carpet envelops you, hiding you, sheltering you from the eyes of those who would not understand your dreaming. This is what it's like to dream.
I've come back to this blog because I want to remind myself what it is to dream up a field of dandelions and fall in love with a woman with my heart. I feel like I've put away my ability to do both of those things, and I think that this was a fair and just thing to do as a missionary. But I am not a missionary anymore. Sometime I'll have to let myself fall more in love than my typical cycle of getting to know somebody just well enough to prove to myself that I should move along before I risk getting hurt.
The pain, I think, comes from commitment to action which is made impossible by the actions of somebody else and that's terrifying because I can't control it. What's worse is that there is no formula for love which means that I can't make a girl fall in love with me; she has to do that on her own. There are things outside of me which no amount of thought or worry can control, yet I can influence those things and I do every time I act.
There's another matter which has weighed upon my mind recently. It's a matter of eloquence and romance. I'm terrified of saying things that aren't true to a woman. I don't think I've told any woman since I left on my mission that I love her, except those who are members of my family and maybe two or three others who are dear friends of mine and have been for a long time. Not even in a friendly way have I said it. I don't think I've given hugs to more than a few women since I've been at BYU, and most of those are also old friends or acquaintances and that's odd for me because before my mission I hugged people like a minute hand moves. Now I don't. I just don't want to lie about how I feel. The thought of someone falling in love with me because they misinterpreted my communications to them is a thought that I don't like very much. I'm far colder in my interactions with women than I was before. Is that a good thing? I don't know.
What I do know is that I don't get excited about my relationships like I used to and when I say excited what I mean is that I don't dream because that's what excitement really is. Nobody is more excited than the wide-eyed dreamer. To him the heavens open and the Earth is beautiful. That's what I'm going for here. I want to be like that again. I know it won't be the same - there are things about me that should not go back to the way they were - but dreams and wide-eyed wonder are the shining attributes of children and lovers, and someday I'll be both of those. I'll be wise like an old man, too.
As for right now, it just feels good to write. I'm really thankful for having a blog to write on.
Have a nice day.
-Dallin

The Poem of the Unknown Prophet

Hello Dallin's blog world!
I'm Dallin's Aunt Erika, and before he left on his mission, he added me as an admin on his blog so that if he had any thoughts that he wanted to share while he's away, I could post them here for him. So ... this is Elder Ward's latest poem. ENJOY!

The Poem of the Unknown Prophet

I am the man who spoke the truth
In that place, that moment, that day.
And I am the man whose words changed your mind
When your feed had ran the wrong way.
My speech is not perfect, It's simple and slow,
And sometimes in my words I..
Stumble.
It's.. Hard. To speak   for me.
So I study and I try - I work really hard.
I want to have speech with mejor
My thoughts are so clear and my heart knows the words.
Sometimes they just don't quite...
Get out the door?
It's hard.. For me.. to speak.
But that doesn't matter and I'll tell you why.
My message is not of this world.
I speak of the Savior - on His wings I fly
The scroll of His scripture I've daily unfurled.
I comfort the lonely, the sick I do heal
In His name, by His power, I KNOW He is real.

For me.. It's hard... To speak.
But when I speak, God guides my words.

I do not.. Remember.. What I said.
In that day, that moment, that place.
But I spoke what He told me as best as I could,
And I... I am thankful.. for His Grace.

Goodbye Vibes

So this is goodbye. Hmm. Okay. 

Hello, Goodbye. You're a bit of a solemn feeling sometimes. Also an exciting one, for you tell me two things:
First, you tell me that something that I love is coming to a close. This is the sad one. This is the one that I cry about and feel sorry because of. This is an ending to something that I will look back at and remember as something good in my life, and something that God put there for me because He loves me.
Second, you tell me that there is something new awaiting me in my life. This is a thrilling, exhilarating, and a bit frightening aspect of you. This is the part that comes as my eyes begin to adjust to the new scenery and my feet begin to feel the new lands beneath. This is new life.

Saying goodbye is a lot like breathing. As an inhale must come after an exhale, so must new things come after the old. Today I am leaving behind friends and family who I love. I'm leaving behind my ability to speak fluently to the people around me. I'm leaving everything I'm familiar with, and I'm going with my God on a new adventure. We're going to go bring His joy to people in lands far away. :)  It's a wonderful thing, really. A breath of new life.

Don't be sorry that I'm going. I'm going to do the work of the Lord, and when it is time, I will come home. Until then, farewell, my friends. Thank you for being a part of my life. I love you so much.
May the Lord bless your feet to walk straight and your heart to find joy.
Smile, my friends. :)

Until we meet again,
I love you.

:)
-Dallin

Awkward and Imperfect

Today I'm realizing something that I think is really important. I do really awkward things, and I feel awkward a lot. Weird.
This is a new development for me. Not the awkwardness, but the realization of it. I've been told bunches of times that I'm an awkward person, but I never had realized how unokay I've been with this. I realize how angry I've become at the thought of it.
Me. Awkward? Never.
Somewhere I learned to believe that to act awkwardly is to be unloved.
Somewhere I learned to believe that to feel awkwardly is to be unloved.
Somewhere I learned to believe that I am not worth loving when seen as awkward.
So I've tried to hide it.

Another development which I've observed recently is the habit of becoming angry when I'm not perfect, or when other people bring up my imperfections. This is a habit that I think is particularly damaging. Those people who I have observed with this trait are not very much fun to be around, and they seem to spend most of their time in deep self-analysis trying to make sure that everything they do is perfect. The problem I see is that I've yet to observe one of those people who actually got there that way. They spend most of their time being bitter and miserable about the fact that they're not perfect.
Am I becoming this kind of person?
I've certainly spent a lot of time feeling angry and tense lately. Is this why?

Christ said that all those who are struggling and feel weighed down should come to Him, and He will give them rest. I like the sound of that. Carrying all of this perfection around with me all the time is really a chore, and I think it's unnecessary. While God did say that no unclean thing can enter into His kingdom, He also created a Savior for mankind because He knew that we wouldn't make it there unspotted, and He wants us to make it back to Him. He really wants us to come home.

As much as I hate to say it, I am going to sin today.
I'm going to sin tomorrow too.
And the next day.

I don't like those thoughts. Not at all. I don't like being imperfect. In fact, I really hate it quite a lot. I just want to be a perfect man so that I can do all the perfect things and help all of the people in the perfect way. I really do want to help people. I just feel like I am so incapable because of my imperfections.

Somewhere else I learned to believe that if I'm not perfect, I'm not worthy of love. What a lie.
Lucifer, you scoundrel. Get out of my life. I don't want you here, and I'm SO TIRED OF YOUR LIES. I'M SO TIRED OF YOU TELLING ME SUCH BLATANTLY FALSE THINGS. GO. AWAY.

I'm so tired of believing those things. :-/

I could tell the truth about this here. I could write another feel good post about how the Savior loves me and I could do a massive transformation and turn-around in thought like I've done in a hundred other posts. It could seem triumphant and like I've finally overcome some deep dark challenge in my soul, and it could come off as a really impressive post. I'm not sure that it would do me any good though, because I need to do more than feel good. I need to actually change. More than knowing that He loves me, I need to trust Him that He can actually do what He says He can do. I need to trust Him that He actually can redeem me, and that I am loved and worth loving any way I go.

I feel like I'm climbing and Christ is my belayer. He's looking up at me and yelling, "KEEP GOING, YOU'RE DOING GREAT!" And I'm looking back down at Him and saying, "HI JESUS! I KNOW THAT YOU'RE BELAYING ME, BUT I DON'T ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN CATCH ME! I LOVE YOU!"

I wonder how Jesus handled awkward situations. Did He have them? Maybe a better question is, what is awkwardness?
For me, awkwardness has been translated into a fear of being unloved. I think this is why I studder in my speech and am hesitant in my action. I think it's because I'm afraid that if I mess up I will not be loved. Is that really a true belief? No. Of course not. To be awkward is to be awkward and to be unloved is to be unloved. They are not the same. I want to learn to know the difference.

Jesus, believing in You is really hard for me sometimes. I really struggle to trust You. Please help me to do better. I want to do better. I want to let you carry the burden of perfectionism for me, because I cannot do it alone. I do not want to feel inadequate anymore. I want to feel of your grace and love for me. I know it is there, and I'm trying to believe. Please help me.

Love,
Dallin

A Journey: An Original Poem

I'd rather be on a boat that sails
On a windswept ocean with sailors' tales.
Or a place that is cool like the dawn of the sun
Where the world reborn awakes as one.
In jungles in deserts on mountains on wings
I wish I could do just one of these things.
My life as it sits is really quite glum
I wake up still tired and retire quite numb.
My waist is still growing as my pocketbook shrinks
Good news, the market has a sale on cold drinks!
I think I'll go get one and then I'll feel well.
Oh yes, the cream soda! I'll buy all they will sell.
And then I'll come home, and feeling rather amused,
I'll reread the books I've already perused.
Oh this will be grand, I can tell it is so!
Now to the market I quickly will go.

I'm home from the market, and uncertain what to feel.
A con man with a cane robbed my bubbly white meal.

While at the market in my dear isle three,
An old man nearby started talking with me.
He noticed my unkempt and frazzled delight
At the soda full stocked that would last me all night.
"Why so much soda?" He asked with a beam.
A sneaky approach to his devilish scheme.
I said, "it's for me, and I like it a bunch!"
He smirked and shot back, "I had a bit of a hunch."
In that moment my waistband, it grew like a weed!
The outlandish pronouncement of my size he'd decreed!
"HOW DARE YOU?!?" I REBUFFED,
My hair was all bristly and my cheeks were all puffed.
I was angry, it was sure, and about to attack
But he sat there so still and he softly looked back.
"Why are you here on this Earth?" he replied,
Looking gentle and calm with his cane by his side.
Now completely unbalanced I looked at him baffled,
My answer lay dead on the hangman's thought scaffold.
"Why am I here?" I thought to myself
Wishing I knew, and that I were an elf.
For the elves are so wise.. let's lay that thought to rest.
The Lord of the Rings is undoubted the best.
Now back to the story, I knew not the rebut
So I stood there considering the size of MY butt.
And how he STOOD THERE IN PUBLIC
HE REPROVED MY LARGE SIZE
I wanted nothing so much as a shot at his eyes.
But he saw this in me and with a polite little nod
Pushed away his little cart and didn't think it was odd.
And I stood there and watched him walk away with such grace
I hope no one saw the shame on my face.
The soda replaced, I shuffled out of the store.
No joy in my heart, I was struck to the core.

Looking back at this memory through the lens of much time
I see this day like a blessing, and not like a crime.
For this was the day that I saw there was more
Than the next thrilling novel, and the cheap soda store.
But not just more world that I had not yet known.
My novels had pictures, and the wonders they'd shown.
But I somehow had never believed I could do
All the things that I read in the books with the crew.
With the question of why I was here, my life changed.
I realized my thoughts were often deranged.
I CAN go to Paris and I CAN sail a ship.
So I made some life changes and started planning my trip.
I quit buying soda, and the novels went too
All the money was saved and the fund slowly grew.
Still it wasn't enough, so I found some more work
It payed really poorly, there wasn't much of a perk.
But my fund slowly grew and I was feeling alive
Instead of at ten, I woke up at five!
And I went to bed early for I wanted good sleep
And about my small trials I seldom did weep.
I sold my TV and I bought a new bike,
Turns out exercise is actually something I like!
A while later I made a friend who kindly asked me
If I'd like to come with him, and serve kids in Haiti.
That trip changed my life, and I learned how to give
I decided that's how I wanted to live.

Many trips later, I write from a boat
On the windswept ocean near an island remote.
I ponder the man and his question long ago
"Why are you here on this Earth?" Do I know?
And I think that I finally do understand -
This life came out more than I ever had planned.
I've seen countries and peoples and helped them along.
I danced with the children and they taught me their song.
In the jungles I helped give birth to a child
It made the jungles look tame - that night was wild.
I've loved and been loved and my heart feels so bright.
I found God somewhere in there, and He gave me His light.
Tonight I believe that the answer is clear
I know my purpose - I know why I'm here.
I'm here to love, and to give and to be.
Thanks God, I know now how much You love me.

I love You too.

Love Remains - An Original Poem

I stand apart. 

Pondering my soul, 

Considering the pieces, 

And examining them. 

I begin removing 

All the things 

Unlike my God, 

And I listen. 

A voice speaks 

In quiet opposition; 

At first subtle 

And then fierce. 

It tells me 

I am nothing, 

And the Devil 

Sits and laughs. 

Walking with God 

I am unafraid; 

And so I 

Look to Him. 

God smiles softly 

Unafraid of Lucifer. 

He guides me, 

Teaching of love. 

We prune me; 

It hurts deeply. 

I trust Him. 

Only love remains