Oh Love

Wow. Today wonderful things have happened. This week and this month and this year wonderful things have happened. I have been tossed upon the sea of uncertainty, thrilled by the view of new heights, calmed by the stillness of Christ. I have fallen in love, felt rejected in love, felt accepted in love, and come to understand more about what love really is and the role it plays in living life as Christ did. I've danced and sang and shouted and cried and flipped and smiled and frowned.

I've lived. 

Guys, I'm going on a mission. I'M GOING ON A MISSION TO CHIHUAHUA, MEXICO. :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
I know that is old news, and that is okay with me. For really the first time, I feel genuinely excited to go. I've felt numb for the past while, and now I feel awesome. I feel like a superhero! THIS IS AWESOME. :D What a wonderful thing this is. For everyone I've told before today that I was excited about going, I apologize. I kind of lied to you. I had no clue what to feel. Sorry about that. xD
Oh joy! I feel so happy tonight. Scary happy. The kind of happiness which fear tells me to be afraid of because it could go away and that could hurt. Fear is correct. :) It could, and probably will go away. That's okay. Right now I feel it, and I want to enjoy it while it's here. I don't need you, fear.

AHH MEXICO. AWWWWYEAH. MEXICO HERE I COME. IMMA BE A SUPERHERO. :D

And the Lord is providing ways for me to make the money to go, and my family has a BEAUTIFUL new home, and my Grandparents are some of the most marvelous people I've ever met, and I have a body and hands and eyes and ears, and the internet is amazing, and I got to help lay 15000 sq feet of sod today so now I'll be buff, and the sky and the stars and the Earth and HAPPINESS. UNBRIDLED, UNASHAMED, UNMISTAKEN JOY. :D

Okay. Fewer caps now. Joy is so wonderful. :)

Do you want to know about something that I love? I love people. I love my friends and my family. I really, really would have a hard time expressing this to you in words. I just love them. I see them and I want to dance and sing and laugh and smile. I feel like such a child tonight. Look at these people! I love them! :D
How blessed I am to be alive.

Oh love. You're so much more than I ever had thought before. You are simple, and yet you cover the whole depth and breadth of human experience. Love, you're awesome. :D
Thank you, Heavenly Father, for showing me more about love. I love you, and I bear witness of Your name and Your gospel. Thank you for placing it in my life. :)

Rejoice!

Lean In

Pain is such a funny thing. It is so easy to become wrapped up in it and even to lose focus on a greater goal because of pain.
Even Christ, the greatest of all, when given His greatest challenge requested a respite from the pain. The thing that Christ did right is that He didn't lose track of where He was going - He still had a why. His fundamental why. It was deep, abiding, and solid. Even when He was suffering for the sins, pains, and afflictions of all mankind there was a stillness inside of Him.
Recently I've read a lot of books on leadership, especially leadership within my own being. Here's a few things I've learned:

1) You have to have a firm foundation if you want to be a happy person.

The writers I read from didn't have the same foundations on the outside, but at the core they were very similar. They were steady, immovable, and unalterable. Not even the authors could change the foundations - their only choice was to stand on them or not. It was basically a belief and recognition that there is something greater than them in the universe, and the faith to move forward into extreme uncertainty as a result. They still may have worried, but their foundations were greater than anything they could come across, even the loss of their own lives and they understood this.

2) You have to bring other people with you if you want to be a happy person.

A firm foundation is great, and in situations where there truly is nobody else on the entire planet who you could possibly bring with you, it will sustain you all on your own. However, such situations hardly ever exist, and humans are social creatures. Not only are we social, we are imperfect. We NEED each other to overcome challenges. You know the twelve step program, yeah? It is said that if you make it through all of the first eleven steps, but fail to make it through the twelfth, you will go back to drinking every time. Why? I can't say for certain, but here's what it seems to me.

It's great to be addiction-free, and it's super freeing, but if you don't have a purpose and someone to share your experience with, your achievement will crumble and fall. Humans have a fundamental need to share with and lift and build other people. "I lift thee and thee lift me, and we will rise together." <-- that kind of a deal. In some ways, that's what writing here is for me. Writing is something I can do to share my experience in a way that can help other people. And I notice that when I'm struggling and I feel the urge to write, but don't, it slows my progress. I have a need to give something to the people around me. I have a need to use my pain and my joy to help other people understand theirs. It's freeing to be a human, and binding to be anything else. Allow yourself to be human, and bring other people with you along the way.

3) You have to learn to lean in to pain, discomfort, sorrow, and even joy.

Emotion is uncomfortable, and there are very few people in the world who just are naturally wholehearted in the sense that they are just plain unafraid to be who they are - messy emotions and all. This is where it gets rough. This is where one of my favorite quotes on my tack-board comes into play. "If your life is not hard, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG." If you're not stretching your boundaries and seeing what you can actually achieve, you're not living as wholehearted of a life as you could be. Because doing hard things is a necessity to wholeheartedness, pain, discomfort, sorrow, and joy will all be results. And you will makes mistakes, I promise. Shift back to the firm foundation for a moment here, let's talk about that. No matter what you do, where you go, or how you've lived, you are enough. You are worthy, you are important, you are loved. Never let that move from your mind. This is a critical part of your firm foundation. Your actions are your actions, and you are you. They are separate and distinct, and Brene Brown talks about them beautifully in Daring Greatly. Go get the book, it's worth a read. It is important when doing hard things to remember to center yourself. Ask yourself,
"Why am I here?" "What is my purpose?" "How can I work right now toward the best outcome?" 

then take time and actually answer the questions. Center the questions around your foundation. Bring yourself to center, then move forward. There is clarity and peace in remembering your foundation. Make this a habit.

This week I'm going into a situation that I see as being very uncomfortable for me in a couple of ways. Those are ways I am not going to discuss here for now, or maybe ever, but it has potential to be something that I feel pain, discomfort, sorrow, and joy all in different ways. That's the thing about it, I just don't know. It's incredibly uncertain, and my natural reaction is to shut down hard core. I don't want to do that this time. I want this to be one of the moments that I look back on and see as a turning point in my life. I want to lean in to pain. I want to experience sorrow. I want to smile at discomfort and I want to embrace joy. After all, I'm a human, and this is part of who I am. 

Christ is the foundation, the rock that I stand on. He is immovable, he is steady, he is kind. I can rely on Him. 1 Corinthians 13 talks about charity, and Christ is the epitome of charity, so let's sub his name into this chapter:

1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not Christ, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.

 2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not Christ, I am nothing.

 3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not Christ, it profiteth me nothing.

 4 Christ suffereth long, and is kind; Christ envieth not; Christ vaunteth not himself, is not puffed up,

 5 Doth not behave himself unseemly, seeketh not his own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

 6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

 7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

 8 Christ never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.

 9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.

 10 But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.

 11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

 12 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

 13 And now abideth faith, hope, Christ, these three; but the greatest of these is Christ.

^^This is my rock. This is my foundation, and though all other things pass away, He will still be there. He cannot be moved, He will not be moved, and I can trust utterly and completely in His steadiness.
Because of Him, I can be unafraid to do hard things.
Because of Him, I can experience all emotion fully and without hesitation.
Because of Him, I can love completely, wholy, and unashamedly, and I can be free.

I can be free!

Praise be to Him forever.

'Come, Follow Me' An Original Poem

Where is the fire inside of me?
It used to be, it used to be..
Where is the purpose, and how did it flee?
It used to be, it used to be...
How have I fallen, and why can't I see?
It used to be, it used to be.

Now I am lonely, afraid and put down.
My friends and my family will not see me drown.
For drowning is silent, and still as the song
Of a heart no longer beating.

Oh God, where are you now that I'm here on the edge?
The edge of my sanity, the edge of my hope.
I'm tired, Dear Lord, and have no more strength.
No balm for my soul, and no way to cope.
There is pain beyond that which You can understand;
I've come so far, and fallen so deep.
Please let me go now, I'll burden no more.
Please, Father, let me sleep.


Dear child, sleep well, and dream while you sleep;
Think no longer of dwelling in chains.
For I am your God, and your soul I will keep.
My grace is sufficient to heal all your pains.
Worry not, you can become whole.
I know that your strength is gone, so use Mine,
It's free, so ask, let that be your goal.
Oh child, hold on, this is by design.

Many a heart will no longer beat,
For they drowned to the words of that song.
Hold on, we can do this, there will be a way.
And you will yet live to be strong.

I am your Lord, please do not flee,
Come follow Me, come follow Me.
I am your comfort, your guide I will be,
Come follow Me, come follow Me.
Please, heed my words, you still can be free.
Come follow Me, come follow Me.

Humanity

For a while, I've been working on the campaign team for a couple of my buddies who are running for student body president and secretary. They're great and I love them. I really believe that they are people who will do amazing things at WA.

Today I feel tired. I feel sad and lonely and disappointed with myself. I've become so wrapped up in winning these campaigns that I've stopped seeing other people as people. Only another person to sway or an enemy to be dealt with.

And to be clear, this post is about me. I, myself. Dallin Ward. It's not about anyone else in the campaign because I can't speak their feelings or experience. This is solely and completely mine. I accept this as mine.

I didn't realize how wrapped up I was until I chatted a guy in class to ask him about voting for my candidate. A guy who is my friend; someone who I've worked with and I love. I didn't ask him how he was or even regard him as a human. Everything I did was in efforts to get him to vote the way I wanted him to, and then damage control when it appeared he wasn't going to. At the end, I even made the remark, "By the way, nice comments in class today, bro." But I didn't mean any of it, and I think he felt that. It was an awkward situation for me, and it looked like an awkward situation for him. 

But GAHADFOIASF AF;AGAEGA SREGFI GUBAVDN SADOGI NASDGONA;OIF OSIF ;OWIHF;AOIUEIHT;OF8QIEYHT;OIGWHSNE;OILD HFN; OASDHNGL VKHASN; DFOHVA OLSDHGVN; OAIEHSFN; OAUEHR;OGIHS;OUHKF AOIHGN ;LAK A ;;ASDSD ;KSDA  LNL

GAH.

VULNERABILITY AND HUMANNESS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANY OPINION, AND I LET MY OPINION CHANGE THE WAY I TREATED ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.

This is not okay with me. 

**Sigh** I'm tired. I'm done trying to convince at any cost. The ends do not justify the means. 

Simon Sinek says that he's such an effective speaker because, 

"I only speak what I believe, and I only says things that I know to be true."
I want to be like that. I'm done trying to beat other people. I'm done trying to convince myself that it's okay. I love people. That's what I do. This forceful, angry side of me isn't who I am. I want no part of it. If I am to succeed in this life, I want to succeed because I did what I knew to be right and did not give up my integrity to achieve any goal. My integrity is what gives me strength. 

So, today, I am going to do and say things I believe, and that's it. I'm also going to see if I can finish my checklist. It would be the first time I've finished a whole checklist in a very long time. I want to believe that I can do this. I can be the man that God wants me to be. I can. Heavenly Father, please help me. I want to be a better man. 

There is such pride and foolishness in my heart. I am such a flawed human being. I don't feel happy with myself. I act in hypocrisy and deceit more often than even I understand. I don't feel confident and pleased with myself. I feel proud and stupid and glum.
Oh Lord, please help me. I just want to be a better man.

Public School and Living a Meaningful Life

I have such a desire to express angry feelings about the public school system. I want to rant and rave and yell about it. But I'm not going to do that. Anger just makes me weary. I do have things that I struggle with about it though.
At public school, I don't feel like I'm a human being. I feel like just another number. They really do give us numbers, in fact. Since the 1st grade I've had a number. We are told to memorize them, and identify ourselves by them at lunch time and in the library.

My name is Dallin Ward, and my number is 16054.

I am a member of the public school system.

Another future worker in the labor force of America.

I am not expected to understand, only to memorize.

I am expected to test well.

Tardiness and absence are never excused;

The school has got to get its money from somewhere.

They think that the way to teach children is to:

Sit them in desks for 8 hours.

Keep them quiet.

Teach them all the same lesson, all the same way.

Test them regularly with standardized tests.

Put students who just don't learn their way into, "Special Ed."

Give them even more work to do after 8 straight hours of schooling.

Keep them indoors.

Limit their recess time.

Creativity is seldom praised;

Work is based on performance only.

Effort means very little.

Students with hard lives outside of school -

Aren't taught how to overcome those things. 

Tough luck, huh kid?

Where is the part about love? Where is the part about vulnerability and openness and humanity?

Where did those things go?

"Yeah well, about the number thing, as the schools get larger, it's necessary for knowing who is who and billing purposes in the office and thing like that, and there's also.."

Yeah, I know, I get it. I understand why the numbers are a thing and why they are helpful. They really do make things more efficient. Let me phrase it this way:

To the parents of publicly schooled children, 

Do you really want your child to spend their most impressionable and formative years in a place where they are locked in a room for most of the day, and where they are taught by people who are too busy to know them as more than just another student among the masses? Of course this isn't always the case, but oftentimes it really is. Is that what you want them to know? Where is the part about living a happy and meaningful life? Where is the part about feeling fulfilled and loved and connected? Who will be there to tell them that they are important and worthwhile?

What did you do when you came home to your family last night? Did you turn on the TV? How about spend a couple hours on your phone? What were your children doing? Do they know that you love them? Do you actively do things to tell them that they matter to you? If you don't, shame on you. Yeah, I'm calling it. You are actively being a poor parent because you are too afraid to reach out to your very own children. I don't care how tired you are. They need your love. And if it's all you can do to give them a hug or read them a story, do it. Just do something. 

Are you working too much to spend any time with your family? Stop it. Cut your expenses, and work less. If your television costs you money to run, sell it. Is it really that important? If your smartphone is costing you too much money to take time off work, downgrade to a dumbphone. If you are going out to eat at the expense of needed time and money for your children, stop it. Make your meals at home. For their sake, teach your children how to cook! If your computer is distracting you from your family, get rid of it. Cut your internet if you have to. If you have debt that weighs you down, pay it off. Your children need you. 

Where else are they going to learn how to live a meaningful life?

"But my life isn't meaningful. How can I teach them something I don't know?" 

Well, you have to learn. Start with these books:

As A Man Thinketh

Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

The Power of Full Engagement

The Alchemist

The 8th Habit: From Effectiveness to Greatness

The Anatomy of Peace

How to Win Friends and Influence People

The Gifts of Imperfection

A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: How I Learned to Live a Better Story

Organizing Genius: The Secrets of Creative Collaboration

Read them one by one, and take notes. Don't rush it, but be constant. Don't stop. Keep moving forward! You can do this. It will take courage and you will really really hurt at times. There will be painful realizations, but you will overcome with consistent effort. 

You will live a meaningful life, and you can teach your children how to as well. They need you. Where else are they going to learn lessons like this? 

If you're more of a blog kind of person, here's a few blogs to follow that will help you live more meaningfully.

Mindful Fathering + Instant Insights

Zen Habits

The Stephen Palmer Blog

Mnmlist

The James Ure Blog

The Art of Manliness

Discover Share Inspire

Re:Focus
The Dave Ramsey Blog

To the children of the parents: don't think that you're a victim. You're not. If you want more meaning in your life, you need same thing as your parents. Educate yourself. If you want a good education, you're going to have to look to more than your public school. You will not be taught the right things there to live a happy life. Spend more time with your family. Open your heart, and allow yourself to be loved. It's going to be painful, I promise. Do it anyway. Your parents need you.

That's it for now. 

Love,

Dallin

Words From the Heart

Upon the death of his father, a wise man once wrote:

And upon these I write the things of my soul, and many of the scriptures which are engraven upon the plates of brass. For my soul delighteth in the scriptures, and my heart pondereth them, and writeth them for the learning and the profit of my children.
Behold, my soul delighteth in the things of the Lord; and my heart pondereth continually upon the things which I have seen and heard.
Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.
I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.
And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.
My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.
He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh.He hath confounded mine enemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me.
Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night-time.
And by day have I waxed bold in mighty prayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me.
And upon the wings of his Spirit hath my body beencarried away upon exceedingly high mountains. And mine eyes have beheld great things, yea, even too great for man; therefore I was bidden that I should not write them.
O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?
And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?
Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.
Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.
O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?
May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may walk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road!
O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine enemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way—but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy.
O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.
Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.