Familiar, but Unknown Longings.

Today I was at work, moving irrigation pipes. Just an everyday thing. But something changed the whole experience. As I pulled off the road into the field, some people drove by. Several vehicles in a row, it was obvious that they were in a group. As I watched these people go by, and waved, I tried to see if I knew any of them. I didn't, but as one of the vehicles passed, I had this feeling come over me. Like a person I knew and loved more than almost any other had just passed. And I just wanted to run to them and give them a hug and ask them how they were doing. But, alas, I couldn't. They were gone in a moment, and besides that, it would have been rather odd of me to go give a person that I know nothing about a hug. But still. This was odd. I felt like a piece of me drove away with them. It's like not knowing a thing about a person, but understanding them completely without speaking. I have had this same feeling with other people as well. This feeling that I need to talk to them, that I know them. It is very rare though. The last time I had this feeling I was at the Family Forum in Salt Lake City. This forum is a place where a person goes to learn about what the speakers there have to say. It was a little bit over a year ago. There were two people there who I felt this connection with, this longing to talk with. I felt comfortable with them, like I would with an old friend, almost right from the get go. And I was able to talk with them. Now, they are some of my dearest friends.
So I wonder, did I know them in the spirit world before this life? Were they my favorite people to be around, and is this unknown longing my spirit yearning to connect with theirs?
I have no clue. But I wish I knew.
I am curious though. Am I the only one that feels this longing every now and then? Do you feel this longing? This desire deep down to talk to someone who you don't know, and yet, you feel like you already do. If you're reading this, I implore of you to comment below. Tell me if you've felt this before. It's a wonderful feeling.

Deciding to be Proud

As I've said in the past, losing state hurt. Bad.
Ever since the day I lost state, every time someone has congratulated me on taking 2nd place, I have downplayed my achievements, and shrugged their compliments off. This is a common thing that people do when they don't want to face the truth. The fact that they did something great. The reason being is that it is easier to downplay and talk like it was nothing than to say, "Yeah, I did that. And I'm proud of it." Downplaying makes dealing with the pain and the criticism easier. It makes it seem like their goal was much lower than what it really was, therefore decreasing the value of the achievement and also decreasing the pain of failure by shutting out their emotions.
Even though this is easier, it's not better.
This is something that I'm just starting to learn. Instead of saying, "No. You're wrong. I didn't do great, I wrestled probably the worst match of my life" I should be saying, "Thank you." But saying a simple thank you is so much harder than I ever imagined. When I say thank you, I feel like I've betrayed all of my goals and my dreams that were lost on February 23 of this year at state. I feel like I'm saying that I am proud of the result, and that I did my best when I say thank you. And it doesn't feel right.
Today, I learned that this kind of thinking is wrong.
That thinking is correct in one area. I don't have to be proud of the result. But what I do have to be proud of is the accomplishments that I did attain. Like being the first freshman from Malad High School to make it into the state finals.
So, thank you to everyone who has congratulated me. I'm sorry that I brushed you off before.
From now on, I'm going to be proud of my accomplishments at state, and in life.

My failures can only fuel me for success now.
Because I have learned from them.
And I'm even better off than I was before.

Come at me, pain.
I'm ready for you.

The Perfect Society

Something that I was thinking about today.
What is the perfect society? Many people have tried to create one throughout the history of the world. Marx tried to create the perfect society by spreading the idea of communism so that everybody would be equal. Hitler tried by creating the Aryan race, so that everybody would be the same, or equal.
So far, neither of these ideas have worked. They sound good though, right? Take Marx's idea of communism for example.
Everybody contributes to society what they can, and in return they receive what they need to survive. There would be no poverty. No beggars on the street. Everybody would have a home, everybody would have enough food.
So, why does a society that sounds so good fail? It is because people are naturally selfish. People do not just want to give what they earned to other people. This is reasonable. People have a right to keep what they earn. But what about the idea of the Aryan race?
In the ideal Aryan race everyone may not necessarily have equal possessions, but they will all have basically the same physical features. This race of people is physically superior to other groups of people. There would be no physical deformities. There would be no disease. Everybody would be equal in a physical sense.
The problem with this idea is that it is almost impossible to have a society with all the same physical traits and capabilities. Just like animals are different sizes and colors, so are people. This can't be changed.
So why, if being equal has never worked for a society, do people insist that the perfect society is an equal society?
I don't know exactly how to answer that question. Although it does seem to me that those who push for equal things are lazy people who want other people to pay for their living. This includes most people because people are naturally lazy.
After pondering over this for a while, I came to a conclusion. We need to stop looking for the perfect society and realize that God gave us one to start with. He gave us disabled people to teach patience and empathy. He gave us the ability to age to humble us as we became older. He gave us great athletes and entrepreneurs to show us what we have the potential to be. He gave us freedom so that we could make what we wish of ourselves great or small it's our choice. He gave us poor and homeless people to teach us about charity and kindness. And finally, he gave us normal people to show us that we don't have to be a great athlete or high up in a large corporation. We are allowed to just be ourselves. To work if we please, and to be lazy if we don't particularly care if we become anything great. Look what mankind has done with this perfect society that God has given them. We now have planes that are being tested at 5 times the speed of sound. We have buildings taller than the tallest trees on Earth. Vaccinations capable of saving entire populations of people from death by a plague. We have houses that are heated and cooled with almost no effort from the owners of the home. We have these things that we call computers and televisions that broadcast ideas and stories through a screen that sometimes looks so real that a person may feel as if they could just jump into it.
On the flipside, when people have tried to push against this perfect society that God has set up for the human race, there are dire consequences. Consequences such as the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. The holocaust in Europe and elsewhere in the world. And any other war or conflict that has ever existed is because someone decided that God's idea wasn't for them and tried something else. Let me tell it to you straight folks who may think otherwise. You are not smarter than God. He's got the right idea, and if the world would follow it, the world would be a much better place.
We've already got the blueprints for a perfect society. Why don't we simply follow them for a change?
Now, this is not supposed to be a forceful post. Neither is it supposed to be sad or angry. Simply something to think about. :)

In Memory of a Lost Family Member

36 hours ago my dog was happy as could be. She was roaming free out here in the country, rather than being trapped in town where she spent most of her life. Now she's dead. You must understand that I am not writing this because I am bitter, because I'm not. I am writing this because I'm sad. I really don't know how else to properly express my feelings than to write them.

My family got Hazel after a couple years of not having a dog. Our first dog had been shot when I was about 8 for chasing cattle. When I was about 11 we got Hazel. She was a cute little puppy. Hehe. Looked like a rottweiler with floppy ears. We lived in town with her for about 4 years, and she was miserable the whole time. She was always behind a fence, or on a chain, and it made her kind of mean. Not really mean, but if you didn't know her, you had better not approach her. We had a lot of fun in town though. Made a lot of memories with her there. Just like a family would with any dog. We went on walks and runs and she loved to pull us on our rollerblades. We played soccer with her, jumped on the trampoline, and even just sat and petted her quietly when we were sad. She was the one that we could talk to any time and she would just listen. Not give petty advice, not try to tell us that things were ok when they really weren't. She played in the streams in the mountains with us, and slept outside our tent when we went camping. Then, about 6 months ago we moved out to the country and she was basically free to roam, but she never went far. Out here in the country, we rode bikes with her, and watched the day to day progress of the chicks as they grew. We played in the snow and the wind. She was just like another child in our family. Except she was special. She had a self-assigned job. Protector of all things that she considered her territory. She protected our cat when it had kittens, (again.) She followed my 2 year old sister everywhere she went outside to make sure that my sister was always safe. Hehe. She even trapped our neighbors in their cars when they came over if she didn't like their scent. My family loved Hazel, and Hazel loved us back.

Yesterday, Hazel did something that my brothers and I thought she would never do. She managed to get into a cage containing some adolescent chickens, and killed 6 of them. Once a dog has killed a chicken, and gotten a taste for their blood, they can't stop killing them. It's like a drug. A dog that kills chickens cannot be kept. 

Yesterday, we had to shoot Hazel. We all cried. I think even my Dad cried a little bit. It was really hard. We dug her a grave, and buried her. This was the result.

(That's my brother Enoch's handwriting. She was his best friend.)

Now that she's gone, it feels as if something is missing from this home. I feel on edge. She was the protector. I'm sure she still is, but not in the same way. I miss walking up the front steps and seeing her laying above where the kittens are, protecting them while their mother is getting something to eat. I miss hearing her bark when people pull into our driveway. I miss sitting on the back steps and petting her. If you really want to get technical about how much I miss her, know that I'm crying as I write this.

Hazel, I miss you. I missed you quite a bit today in fact. The bike ride without you was very lonely. 

I love you. See you in Heaven.

My Life is One of Ups and Downs

Sometimes I wonder how I can be so happy one moment and more depressed than I ever have been the next. It has never made sense to me. I mean, I know. I'm a hormonal teenager. I'm going to have mood swings. But even before. When I was that scrawny little kid down the street that was too smart for his own good. I had major mood swings. As major as a child's mood swings can get anyway. Today was one of those says. Today the Boston Marathon was bombed. so far there are 3 dead and scores wounded. One of the dead is a small child. When I heard about this, I felt like a small piece of me died. These people are my American brothers and sisters. I would proudly stand in for them if they could live another day. Alas, I could not. This made me really sad. It depressed me enough that I couldn't concentrate on my homework without a movie or music playing to get this event off of my mind. Then I went to a wrestling banquet put on by my wrestling team to present all of the awards. While there I got the outstanding freshman award. Seriously, this made my day. I was so happy. When I got home, I started to see all of this Boston Marathon bombing stuff again. And it made me super sad again. I might just have to write a separate post on that needless waste of human life. These ups and downs happen every day. Not as big as right now though. I guess that I kind of get used to it. I lost right when a win was needed most this season several times in wrestling. Those ups and downs were huge. Many times I have ups and downs when I am thinking. I will think of a person that makes me really happy. As I'm thinking about that person, often times I will remember something that we did together, or something that they said. And it will make me think about something else. Like those in the world who are starving. Or the terminally ill. Or the amount of evil in the world. Or even about the lack of understanding that our world seems to have about true happiness. Maybe even that dove that I shot the other day at the feed store. I feel bad about that. I think about the wonderful things I did as a child. The time spent with family. The happy things I've done. Then I think about the point many years ago when I was ready to take my own life. Maybe I just think too much. I was happy the day that my brother Spencer went to the hospital for what I just thought was growing pains. I promptly became sad when I learned that it wasn't just growing pains, but diabetes, and that he was on his way to primary children's hospital. Then again, I was sad the day that my Grandma died. The day that my Great Aunt June died as well. But my family was there to make me happy at those times. Another time, I was sad and wallowing in self pity at the terrible person that I make myself out to be, after I got mad at my brother and threw a basketball at his head while playing at the church. Thankfully, a dear friend of mine was kind enough to find me out in the hall and teach me some piano duets to cheer me up. It worked. I still remember those duets. Many people say that all the pain and sorrow balances out with the joy. I have to disagree. I've decided that the joy in life is way greater than the pain and sorrow if you let it be. However, if you don't let the joy overcome the sorrow, it won't. You will be as happy as you determine to be. I figure that if I determine to be happy no matter what the problem, I'll do a lot more good than if I stayed sad. Granted, there are times when it's appropriate to be sad, but I'm over dramatic sometimes.
So today, if only today, I'm going to be happy. :) You should be happy too! :D

Who Am I?

There have been several things lately that have made me question, who am I? Deep down. Not the mask you see on the surface. The mask that I have wanted to become real for so long. I have always strived to become better. To become a person that other people respect and admire. A person that will inspire others to be better. A person that people would look to for advise when they need it. Honestly, I kind of took life like a competition to see who could be the best. At everything. Although those ambitions are worthy ambitions, I think that in trying to mold myself into who I want to be, I have lost who I am. It seems like helping other people figure out who they are is easier than trying to figure this question out for myself. I just wonder, how could something that I knew so well as a small child have slipped my mind? It doesn't make sense to me.
The difficult thing is that I'm not even completely sure that the person that I act like now isn't who I am deep down. I'm not sure that who I act like now is who I am or if who I am is really something else. If you can understand that question, you can understand what I'm trying to figure out.
This is kind of a pointless post, but this question is a big one. I may as well ask you the same question.
Is who you act like now really who you are or is who you really are something else?

I Believe There are Angels Among Us

The other day I was reading The Bible in the book of Hebrews. Chapter 13, verse 2 says, "Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares." and I thought, "Well, that would be cool, to entertain an angel. But it is different now then it is back then. People don't come to your door and ask for food or shelter." But, was I really correct in that thinking? I was in Salt Lake City over the weekend again. I realized something while I was there. (Why do I always realize things in big cities?) This scripture applied to more than just people coming to your home. I forgot to bring money to buy the homeless people that I saw a meal. I felt really bad about that. As I was walking to the car to leave, I passed a homeless black man. He was holding a sign asking for food. He was so respectful, and looked like a sincerely nice guy. That understates it. As I walked past, he stepped back and and nodded in a gesture of respect. I did the same. But there was something in his eyes. Something indescribable. He was so... Oh, I don't know. Brilliant? Unique? Humble? I don't have words to describe him properly. I wanted to do something for him so bad. But it was time to leave. I pondered later though about this experience. Was this man an angel? I'll never know. But I'd like to believe that he was. Now, I'm not saying that all homeless people are angels. It made me wonder though. How many times have I passed by an angel unawares? Maybe it's common. Maybe it's not. I don't know. What I'm trying to say is this.
How many angels have we walked by? How many of them did we ignore? How often have they blessed us without our knowing? We may never know the answers to those questions. But maybe we should start looking a little bit harder.